One in four children exposed to some form of family violence, study finds

One in four children exposed to some form of family violence, study finds

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about? A Child is Waiting,Take care...be aware,Nancy Lee

Babies and toddlers should learn from play, not screens

Babies and toddlers should learn from play, not screens

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about? A Child is Waiting,Take care...be aware,Nancy Lee

Alison Gopnik: What do babies think? | Video on TED.com

Alison Gopnik: What do babies think? | Video on TED.com

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about? A Child is Waiting,Take care...be aware,Nancy Lee

The Opposite of Child Abuse is More Than the Absence of Abuse and Neglect

The child is not honored if we always expect him to grow up, because a child is not grown up.~Thomas Moore~


Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?
Recognizing child abuse is becoming easier for the average person to identify as ever increasing numbers of organizations and individuals dedicate their efforts to raising awareness about what commissions and omissions constitute child abuse and neglect. However, there is more to providing children with positive, nurturing environments than simply eliminating abuse and neglect from their lives. Although, admittedly, protecting children by eliminating abuse and neglect from the lives of children remains an important priority for many of us. Recently a dear friend shared with me her beautiful thoughts on what children need and deserve as basic rights. Here, with her permission, I share them with you...

Children
First and foremost, a child must know that he is safe and secure. This
sounds so simple, but it is anything but simple. In order for a child to be
free to explore his territory and/or abilities, he must know that his
guardians are exactly that, guarding him. Clear, precise, and consistent
boundaries give a child a sense of security. He must know what is and is not
allowed. Knowing he has someone to firmly guide and protect him relieves him
of fear and a premature sense that he should know those kinds of things
himself. His mental age must always be considered and understood. Words
used should be relative to his level of understanding. Over-explaining
causes confusion and frustration. Simple, short, and clear communication is
quickly processed by a young child. More thorough explanations will come
when the child is able to communicate on that same level. He will question
why he should or shouldn't do something.

A part of preparing the child for living in her future world is to give her
a realistic understanding of her position in the family and in society.
Allowing her to be the center of attention for too much time, or giving her
the sense that everything centers on her and what she wants to do creates a
false sense of self-importance and empowerment. The child needs to know that
she is an integral part of the family and that there are other members who
have equal importance. It is unfair to the child to allow her to think that
everyone will focus on her and that others do not have valuable status. It
is important for parents to take care of their own needs, do their work, and
go on with their own lives so that they are setting an example to the child
as to how to live her life in the future. Not only that, she learns to
respect the lives of others. There must be a balance to all of this, of
course. The child should not be ignored and left to fend for herself. On the
other hand, it is important for her to know how to entertain herself and
allow the other members of the family to do the same.

Parents must set some boundaries for themselves, also. It's important to
know that children will take all of the attention that anyone will give to
them. It is physically impossible to give the child all of the attention
they want and still live a normal life. Not only that, as I have stated
above, it is unfair to the child. When the parents go on with their lives
much as they did before they had a child, while giving the child an
appropriate amount of attention, meeting their needs and treating them as
valuable little people, the child assumes a realistic position within the
family, neither as the center nor head of it. The child learns the function
of all the roles of each family member. Thus, they become a functional
family rather than the dysfunctional family that has gotten so much
attention in the last few years.

Children need to see that there is a special relationship between the mother
and father that is different from that which involves them. This can be done
by setting clear boundaries around that relationship and not including the
child in a way that might give the child the impression that they are a part
of that particular interaction. Sometimes it must be husband and wife, only.
Making this differentiation is extremely important for the child's future
relationships. This should be done in a natural, subtle manner without
making the child feel unimportant or rejected. Remember that the child is
recording what he sees and experiences for future use. He learns what he
sees far more clearly and permanently than what he is told. Words mean much
less than actions.

Discipline, coming from the word disciple, further explains this concept.
Children are disciples of their parents. It is as simple as that. The
parents teach the children how to act by what they themselves do. A mother
who allows the father to abuse her is telling the child that abuse is
acceptable and that she, too, can be abused. The father is teaching the
child that it is acceptable to treat a woman in this manner. Telling the
child otherwise will have little effect. On a more positive note, parents
treating each other with kindness and respect are teaching the child to do
the same. To discipline a child is to show her how to behave rather than
tell her. Correcting a child's behavior is showing her how to do what is
appropriate, not focusing on the wrong doing. Telling a child to not do
something leaves her focused on that same action without knowing what the
appropriate action is. Smacking or spanking a child for something she has
done is more confusing to the child than any other action. Not only has she
not been shown the appropriate action to be done, the person she loves and
trusts with her life has just told her that she is not safe with that
person. The child is already frustrated and confused, now she is in fear of
her protector. Nothing is solved by striking a child in any manner.
Threatening to strike a child is bullying, sending the message that the
parent is bigger than the child and therefore able to hurt her. Added to the
hurt the child realizes that she is no longer safe and secure with those she
has trusted, their love can quickly be replaced with inflicted pain.

Using violence, spanking a child, is a sign that the parent has chosen not
to try to deal with the situation, but to take the easy way out for herself.
However, the parent has lost in the long run. The relationship that has been
so diligently and lovingly developed has been spoiled. Many people have
been taught that the Bible states that a parent should not "spare the rod"
and they think this literally means an actual rod. What has not been
explained is that the word rod is meant as a "standard", a discipline, a way
of behaving. Yes, parents must provide solid standards, principals and
values by which the child can adhere, boundaries and examples. But, at no
time is anyone directed to strike a child. Should the child need a firm
hand, that hand should be used to help the child change his behavior, not
strike him. A child should always trust that when a hand of his parent
reaches towards him, it is coming to give him love and assistance. Fear
should never come between the parent and child. Firmly removing a child from
the offending behavior, removing the object from his possession, lovingly
restraining him from the action, allows him to understand that the parent is
in control and can be trusted to stop him if and when he goes beyond the set
boundaries. It is the action that the child responds to, not just the words.
He is depending on his parents to keep him within the standards they have
set for him.

Allowing the child too much time to correct his actions is teaching him that
he can delay responding to the parent's request or command. He will take as
long as the parent allows. Correcting once and then enforcing it with action
- helping to make the right move - teaches the child that one correction is
enough. Otherwise, the child is put in an unfair position of assuming that
he has authority that he does not yet have. The right to discuss the
directions given by the parent will come well after the child can talk and
reason in a rational way. This happens in growth increments throughout his
childhood. Expecting him to have reasoning abilities before his brain has
reached that stage is upsetting for him and can trigger what seems to be a
temper tantrum but is actually his way of expressing his frustration. The
child may be saying "I have lost control of my body and actions. Please help
me". This is aggravated further by giving him a swat or spanking. Holding
the child and talking to him in a calm assertive manner, reassures him that
he is safe and will be kept within the proper boundaries of behavior by his
guardian.

It is important for the adult to remain in the role of parent and never
think that the small child is directing his frustration directly at the
adult. In other words, don't take it personally. Doing so will misdirect the
parent's thinking onto herself instead of the needs of the child. Separating
herself from the child's behavior allows her to remain calm and help the
child through his current drama. Keeping in mind that the child will
eventually emulate the behavior of both parents helps to keep the parents'
actions appropriate.

For a child to grow up with a healthy perspective of what it is to be a
functional adult, it is necessary that he have a solid relationship with
both parents, especially if they are both in the home. (When either parent
is raising the child alone, a whole different scenario evolves.) If one
parent dominates, the child will absorb that by osmosis! He will grow up
with an unbalanced respect for both parents, thus the same attitude toward
his spouse or mate. If the father chooses to allow the mother to do the
majority of the parenting, the child will assume the woman is the stronger
of the two. If the mother leaves the so-called disciplinary actions to the
father, then the child will fear the father and rule the mother. For him to
experience a loving relationship with both parents and have equal respect
for both roles, he needs to know that he can depend on both of them to keep
him safe, provide for his needs, and prevent him from going beyond the
boundaries they have set for him. This is not to say that they must spend
equal time with the child or that their responsibilities are the same. Every
family will have different situations.

A family in which both parents have jobs outside the home will have
different duties than a family who has a stay-at-home mother or father. Just
as the parent who stays at home is not expected to go out and work a
full-time job, the parent who goes out to work is not expected to spend
equal time with the child as the parent who stays at home. In order to
provide a functional relationship for the child to emulate, both adults must
recognize that their jobs are of equal importance and show respect for each
other. The amount of time that each parent spends with the child should be
agreed upon by both parents without either having unspoken expectations. The
child needs to feel a balance in his relationship with each parent and to
know that both parents will be consistent in providing the security he needs
within the same set of boundaries. If one parent only plays with the child
and assumes no other responsibilities while the other takes on all the
responsibilities, rarely having time to play, that does not provide balance.
A child needs to know that he can turn to either parent at any time in his
life and receive similar support and guidance....[Author: SS 2009]


A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Congress Pressed to Act to Curb Child-Abuse Deaths - ABC News

Congress Pressed to Act to Curb Child-Abuse Deaths - ABC News

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Congress Pressed to Act to Curb Child-Abuse Deaths - ABC News

Congress Pressed to Act to Curb Child-Abuse Deaths - ABC News

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

NAPCAN: Prevent Child Abuse and Neglect

Intercourse at 8 and 9...not mine! you say. Really?

Those people who say that

kids don't have sex at that young of age

should think again.

Brenda Lohman

Can't help wondering...

what you're wondering about when you think of children 8 and 9 years old having intercourse?

Today Science Daily reports, “Low-income Kids Report First Sexual Intercourse At 12 Years Of Age In New National Study.” The co-author of the study, Brenda Lohman, admits to being shocked and says, "Definitely the age is the most shocking thing about this study."

Reminds me of the childhood ditty- “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby…..”? Makes me wonder if maybe the modern version goes…. “First comes sex, then comes baby with a baby carriage, then along comes another to the unmarried mother… “ Forget those old fashioned values like love and marriage. They got thrown out along with the baby’s bath water.

Unlike Lohman, I’m not shocked over much these days when it comes to children and the lives they live. But for me there is another shocking aspect of kiddie sex, besides the very young ages of the children in this study, that is not addressed in this article. Call it something like changing parental attitudes...or let's call it like it is...another form of child abuse and neglect.

Once upon a time, and even more so today, some parents gave their children access to alcohol at home because, they said, “Kids are going to drink somewhere anyway, and we’d rather it be in our home where we can know they are safe.” Today some parents espouse the same reason for providing their young children with contraceptive measures and privacy to have their sexual experiences at home.” Hello?!

Will someone please tell these parents that “Safe Sex” does not mean putting the girl on the pill, and encouraging their youthful liaisons at home instead of in some mall bathroom. One 14 year old girl’s great-grandmother recently called me in a panic because the family had decided to put the child on the pill so that she would not get pregnant as her 16 year old cousin recently did. The great-grandmother was amazingly calm about the possibility the girl might be having sex, but near hysteria because no one would listen to her concerns about the risk of STD’s. She wanted me to talk to the girl...a young friend of mine for nearly five years now. I did.

The girl already has an active sex life- has already had pregnancy false alarms. Her family- mother, father, aunts, uncles and grandparents decided because she was so generally immature that she might forget to take the pill the mother should ask the doctor to give her “the shot.” The doctor said no, too young, and prescribed the pill. Then the parents decided the next best thing to do to protect their child would be to allow sleep-overs so they would know where she is and with whom she is doing what. Alcohol included? Other drugs? Who knows. One is tempted to ask... so who cares?

Unusual family? No. A situation common only among the lower socio-economic levels? No. A growing epidemic among the young struggling with youthful hormones, early sexualization, easy access to every kind of sexualized entertainment and social media, and an all too obvious breakdown of family morals, values and basic concerns for the health and welfare of the young? My guess is yes.

Let’s get real. Let’s stop kidding ourselves. Let’s face what is before it isn’t only 20-30% of children under 16 having intercourse…and making babies…and spreading STD’s…and looking to us, the society that ignored them, to provide for them all… for happily ever after.

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

A Child Abuse Legend- A Journey of Healing

I turn to you who have known pain and fear

And failure and despair,

And in your eyes I read companionship

And though your cloak be threadbare,

Half of it is mine.

You are my friend.

Lila Cabot Perry

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about as you look at this little lost dog who took a long journey far from home and wanted nothing more than to find his way?

Healing from child abuse is a journey. Along with the freedom to choose healing, we choose a journey that like any other will be filled with byways, hills and valleys. At times the going is easy and we celebrate our successes with joy. At other times, the going is hard and we stumble, even collapse, under the weight of it. Then we may cry out in torment to whatever gods may be for us: Why me? Why struggle? Why go on?

But at every step of the way we need to remember that any journey is a passage. From there to here, we do not make it alone. With every step along the way we are changed…and we change the world. Sometime we know where we have made a positive difference sometimes we
never know just how some little choice we make may make all the difference for another.

Yesterday I saw a little dog walking along the road…alone, lost and confused. It was later in the day, I was tired. A large part of me wanted to ignore her and her plight. But I made the harder choice and rescued her. No collar, no clue...I’d never seen her in the neighborhood. She was definitely a stranger in a strange land.

Which way to turn, to go to help her find her way home?

First things first, I thought as I picked her up and carried her to my house…give her water, food, and rest. She is so weary.

I understand weary...understand feeling lost, alone, hopeless. It is how I feel many times. I’ve been weary it seems since early childhood. A time filled with ongoing physical, emotional, sexual abuse and chronic neglect. Barely aware of death by age seven, I already sought death as my only escape from hell on earth. From my limited perspective on ways to kill myself, I plotted, schemed, planned and tried many ways but always some fear or something else, interfered. Swimming as far out into the ocean only to have the sea throw me back onto the shore, running to throw myself in front of a train but slipping on the rocks with my outstretched hands inches from the sparks that flew from the train, jumping into a canal known to kill children each year, running into traffic. My last attempt came when I was 15.

That night, I slashed my wrist twice with a razor blade as cold and steely as my determination to not fail again. Then, as blood shot everywhere, I lay down with my bible, at ease, prepared to die and sure that my God would welcome me home.

Anger flooded through me when I awoke. And searing pain. And quiet desperation. The mess was incredible…I had to get to my job as a car hop. No time to clean. Who would notice anyway? The wounds were bad… what to do? I ran to a friend’s house, her mother was a nurse. She cleaned and pulled the wounds together with tape to work as stitches, wrapped my wrist in gauze, found a wide Indian beaded bracelet to cover the bandage… gave me love and encouragement and sent me off to work.

As I walked along, head down, raging in anger at being alive, devastated that God didn’t let me escape to come home, instead of the weight of my life, I suddenly felt the warmth of the sun on my shoulders. I looked up to see a field filled with white daisies and thousands of white butterflies flitting among them. Their dew drenched yellow centers glistened like gold. Rainbows were everywhere through the tears that flowed as I heard, “My child, it is not yours to choose when to come home. That is for me to say. But you are not alone- I am with you always. Now promise you will continue on and not try such things again.” And I did. And I did not.

There is no fairy tale ending. The story that was my life went on. Fifty years later the scars on my wrist remain to remind me of that night.

My brother, sneaking in my room in search of cigarettes, panicked at the bloody mess and told my parents. When my father pulled into the parking lot, my heart stopped. I walked to his car. He grabbed the wounded wrist and twisted it, yanked off the bracelet to expose the bloody bandage, then slapped me across the face. “You bitch…what the hell kind of stupid shit is this…just wait ‘til you get home. I’ll fix your ass for embarrassing us."

So when the little dog was rested I made a leash and off we went…blindly going we knew not where but knowing doing something is better than doing nothing. The walk was pleasant and we met many nice people along the way. But no one knew her. When she could go on no more, I carried her back and we rested. Then we drove around, stopping to ask everyone…do you know her, she’s lost and wants to go home. Then finally, once again, walking around, enjoying the setting sun, and the cool summer evening. So many people! So many smiles! Where have you come from little one, and where are you going?

Finally it was too late to continue. Her eyes beseeched me but she settled down to watch the door. Tomorrow, Love, tomorrow we will find your home…I promise.

Well the dog story does have a happy ending…
Nearly midnight I awoke to a pounding on my door. A family desperately seeking to find her had given up and returned home. The mother called a friend to talk about their loss and futile search.
“OMG! You won’t believe this,” the friend said, “I was visiting a friend earlier, and she had a phone call from another friend, and while they were talking, a woman came by, walking a little white dog, saying she was lost! Maybe it’s your dog.”

“How could that be? It’s so far away from here? But we will try to find her anyway.”
And so they did.

And so you will find your way, and there will be help you never dreamed of, if you choose healing and just keep going…and someday fifty years hence, you may even look at your scars and say…after all is said and done, Life is Good. Thank You God!

And please now let me say, although the words may sound trite and over used…as you choose healing, and go through the valleys, along the byways, over the seemingly endless hills...Enjoy your Journey!

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Bullies Made Not Born? Child Abuse a Cause? A Result?

Evil becomes the incapacity

That is forced on one by his lack of training.
Bryan Short, 1997

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?




In my neighborhood new babies are celebrated, as they probably are in yours, and in so many other locations, with much ado and great fanfare. There is much anticipation and celebration before the birth. Friends and neighbors can’t do enough. Mother is feted with parties. Fathers strut and preen as proud peacocks do. Jubilation is everywhere in the air.

After the birth, beaming parents parade bright-eyed, trusting, innocent, eager-to-learn newborns around for all to see the precious additions to the community. The babies are all duly oohed, ahhed and awed over as the beautiful miracles they are conceived to be.

All too soon some of the babies are being referred to as demanding, spoiled, manipulating, brats-usually with colorful references to the other biological parent as the cause, whether said influence is in residence or not. Basic genetics at work? Babies born bad and soon to be meaner than junk yard dogs? So it would seem if one listens and believes.

By toddlerhood it looks like the bullies are in control of everything but them selves…brutally smacking and tormenting anything that doesn’t move out of the way fast enough…including smaller babies and bigger, cowering siblings, harried caretakers, and stunned strangers.

Watching this play out year after year, I wonder where each sweet, innocent, prized and precious baby went. Where did this little terrorizing tyrant come from? The answer is usually obvious to anyone who watches…and it has nothing to do with changelings and ghoulish goblins who “pushed their way in and pulled baby out, leaving another made of ice.” (Maurice Sendak)

Almost all relatives, and those living in the neighborhood, offer advice when the bullying characteristics appear…”you’d better beat the devil out of that one while you can or you’ll be sorry later!” And many will do their perceived neighborly duty. They will help by yelling and swatting the child at every opportunity. And there will be opportunities- many- as the bully-baby roams with little supervision and rampages at will.

Not yet verbal, he becomes an easy target for blame by anyone seeking to shift responsibility or attention… which increases the smacks, swats, and beatings…which increases the bullying behaviors…

The child learns…what he is taught…behind closed doors and in the open.

In time, the child learns new behaviors…learns to bully without witnesses-becomes adept at lying and manipulation…learns to bluster, browbeat, buffalo, bulldoze, coerce, dominate, lean on, lord over, menace, oppress, persecute, terrorize, threaten, torment, torture, traumatize and tyrannize.

And no one involved, who should have been watching, is ever willing to “…go outside over there to rescue her baby.” (Maurice Sendak)

Until…the child is dragged or pushed to a doctor, then drugged based on a caregiver’s description of the born-bad child and professional observation of a child obviously disruptive and lacking self-control.

The child, not yet grown, will teach as he has learned. Eventually, the child comes of age and will reproduce in his or her own image. Of that you can be sure.

But if the child is lucky, if you are lucky, if we all are lucky, perhaps there was one, who “never knowing, hugged the changeling and ... murmured: ‘How I love you’.”



And that one person...perhaps its you?... knowing love, and giving it, can make all the difference for the child born "good" who never would have been otherwise. Of that you also can rest assured.


Sendak, Maurice. Outside Over There. Harper & Row. 1981.

FYI:

Books:

Please Stop Lauging at Me...One Womans' Inspirational Story
by Jodee Blanco
Please Stop Laughing at Us...One Survivor's Extraordinary Quest to Prevent School Bullying by Jodee Blanco

Articles:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/06/090630173815.htm
Less Empathy Toward Outsiders: Brain Differences Reinforce Preferences For Those In Same Social Group
“An observer feels more empathy for someone in pain when that person is in the same social group…”
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/07/080711080957.htm
Children Are Naturally Prone To Be Empathic And Moral
“The programming for empathy is something that is "hard-wired" into the brains of normal children…”
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/11/081107071816.htm
Bullies May Enjoy Seeing Others In Pain
“Unusually aggressive youth may actually enjoy inflicting pain on others…”


A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee