Baby it's cold outside...so why are you in shorts and tee-shirt?

Cannot the heart in the midst of crowds

Feel frightfully alone?

Charles Lamb

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?

I'm wondering about common neglect of those too young to take care of even their most basic needs. I'm wondering about where we draw the line and call any such neglect child abuse? Outdoors this morning, it was raining and 45 degrees. Inside the store was cold, too, for some reason. The toddler girl, hunched in the basket seat, visibly shivered in her shorts and tee-shirt. She hugged herself and cried piteously. Her little arms were mottled blue as though she’d been cold a while. Nearby, Daddy read a package, and ignored her.

“Ah, baby is cold, Daddy,” I said, while smiling at the little girl. He didn’t even look at her, just said “Nah, she’s tired. That’s all.”
“Ah, cold and tired baby… not a happy way to be is it sweetie? Well hopefully Daddy will hurry and get you dressed warm and let you sleep soon.”
She looked at me with big tear filled eyes. When I reached the end of the aisle and looked back, Dad was still reading labels. The little girl still looked at me.

I wanted to wrap her in my jacket, hold her close to warm her little body, but knew that would not help the situation and might only cause her trouble for crying and attracting attention to her plight. I could only hope he would finish his shopping soon, put her safely in her car seat, turn the heater on, and once home, dress her appropriately. Hope. So little to offer. So little to do. So sad to know how many millions are faring no better.

Was he a mean, uncaring, blatantly overtly chronically neglectful Daddy? Not necessarily. Possibly, and hopefully, he was just a situationally self-centered neglectfully unaware Daddy. But in either case, an obviously suffering child was being ignored by the one person who could do something for her. Her basic physical and emotional needs were clearly not being met. The fact that she was not howling her distress and demanding his attention is not a good sign. She showed no expectation of help as is frequently the case with neglected children. They learn early that no one listens, no one cares.
The following is from American Humane...one of my favorite child protection organizations.
http://www.americanhumane.org/protecting-children/programs/chronic-neglect/
“Chronic Neglect
Chronic neglect of children is one of the most persistent and intractable challenges facing the nation’s child welfare system. The term “chronic neglect” refers to an enduring pattern in which a child’s basic physical, developmental and/or socio-emotional needs are repeatedly unmet by the child’s parent or caregiver. Research indicates that chronic neglect is manifested in different ways (e.g., physical, emotional, medical, educational) at different times; that is, children experience various omissions of their basic needs over an extended period of time. Research and day-to-day child welfare practice suggest that traditional short-term or incident-based services are not effective interventions for these families. Moreover, there is limited focus on prevention for the children and caregivers impacted by chronic neglect. Yet children who are repeatedly deprived of fundamental needs can experience serious consequences, including delays in neurobiological development, physical and mental illness, cognitive and educational deficiencies, and socio-emotional and behavioral challenges.”

http://www.americanhumane.org/assets/docs/protecting-children/PC-chronic-families-chronic-neglect.pdf
http://www.americanhumane.org/assets/docs/protecting-children/PC-chronic-neglect-2008.pdf

In the story at this link, neglect is obvious...and yet there are those who will make excuses for it happening, too.

http://www.fox61.com/pages/landing/?Plainfield-Police-Find-Toddler-Outside-I=1&blockID=232173&feedID=341

Perhaps making excuses for any of it needs to stop and more training and accountability needs to be expected of those who have children?
A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Ripping the Nest Apart for Abused Children

Children and their parents

are nested in a broader family group:

those people to whom they are connected

through kinship and other relationships
American Humane: FGDM

Can't help wondering...
what you're wondering about today?

I'm thinking about families, remembering aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, siblings. Most are gone now, but the sense of belonging, of being a part of something remains as comforting as ever.

Imagine ripping these children from their great-grandmother in order to protect them from an abusive or neglectful parent. Her loss would be devestating. Their loss incalculable. With her would go extended family members, family history, culture, mentors of skills and talents, safe harbors for all kinds of life storms.

I wonder what I would be without the grandmother who adored me and made no secret of it, the extended family members who gave me the joys and experiences of books and learning, scouting, who introduced me to the comfort of religion, the pride in "our" pew in the church, taught me of the local landmarks that created connections of my family to place through generations that came before me, gave me a sense of a history that included me and would pass on through me to next generations.

What of those who taught me manners not learned at home, values and pride in craftsmanship, who provided regular escapes from a horrific home life? What if my brothers, my reasons for hanging on were ripped from my life? What of the pets, friends, neighborhood places, schools and teachers that served as lifelines during rough times? Sure, I might have suffered less neglect and abuse by being removed from my mom and dad...maybe...but there is no doubt that I would have suffered greatly from the loss of all the other positives that come from having a connection to time and place and people.

For some reason when good people set out to do good things and don't consider all the consequences that may occur as a result of their decisions, they can cause more damage than had they done nothing. The road to hell... and we all know the rest of that! The decision to hasten the time from removing children from their homes until parental rights are terminated in order to stop the horrors of children lost in systems and place the children in permanent situations sooner sounds like one of those good intentions!

My grandson was "lucky" when the state took him from my daughter, for she was a Heroin addict, with all that includes for a young female, and his life was in jeopardy. But was he so lucky when the foster parents, eager to adopt him, and case-worker believing it best, pushed hard for that closure as soon as they could legally do so? I have no answer of course. Once the adoption took place, my daughter wasn't the only one locked out of his life when the records were "closed."

So when as a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate for Abused and Neglected Children) I participated in a Family Group Decision Making program I was thrilled to see the children included, along with extended family members and even close friends, in an attempt to create the best possible solutions for the children and their single Mom. How different from other meetings of professionals making decisions based on their biases, values, mood of the moment, mixed with incomplete information about the people whose lives they would change forever! The stake holders at Family Group Decision Making meetings have a lot more at stake, to say the least.

If you are interested in knowing more here is a bit....

Family Group Decision Making in Child Welfare: Purpose, Values and Processes
The values associated with FGDM include:
• Children have a right to maintain their kinship and cultural connections throughout their lives;
• Children and their parents belong to a wider family system that both nurtures them and is responsible for them;
• The family group, rather than the agency, is the context for child welfare and child protection resolutions;
• All families are entitled to the respect of the state, and the state needs to make an extra effort to convey respect
to those who are poor, socially excluded, marginalized, or lacking power or access to resources and services;
• The state has a responsibility to recognize, support and build the family group’s capacity to protect and care for
their young relatives;
• Family groups know their own histories, and they use that information to construct thorough plans;
• Active family group participation and leadership is essential for good outcomes for children, but power
imbalances between family groups and child protection agency personnel must first be addressed; and
• The state has a responsibility to defend family groups from unnecessary intrusion and to promote their growth
and strength.

And here are some related links:

How To Solve A Family Problem the Democratic Way

Family Group Decision Making

Families Gaining Their Seat at the Table

Engaging Families in Child Welfare Practice

Family Group Decision Making in Child Welfare Purpose, Values and Processes

Seen but Not Heard? Children and Young People’s Participation
in Family Group Decision Making:Concepts and Practice Issues
http://www.americanhumane.org/site/DocServer/PCNixonarticle.pdf?docID=5721

Tools for Permanency: Tool #2: Family Group Decision Making
http://www.hunter.cuny.edu/socwork/nrcfcpp/downloads/tools/fgdm-tool.pdf

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

So just what is child discipline? What is abuse?

State Court to Decide on Legal Limits of Spanking:

Where punishment drifts into abuse is the issue

in the case of a father who hit his son 36 times.

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about as Minnesota court stuggles to decide if hitting your son 36 times is abuse, and Massachusets goes to war over proposed new legislation that will make them the first state in the Union to totally outlaw corporal punishment for children? The battle may have begun in Massachusets but has now spread around the country. I suspect that before long it will reach global proportions. Even though many enlightened countries have actually already outlawed it, people continue to debate the issue. Since the best debates are usually based on at least a few facts and some knowledge, here is an example of both, from American Humane:



Child Discipline

What is discipline?
As part of their natural development, children sometimes challenge or test parental and adult expectations and authority. Sometimes, children simply choose to misbehave in order to gain something (e.g., attention, an object, power, peer approval). This is a significant part of the growth process of children, yet it should not be without consequence. Discipline is how children learn right from wrong, acceptable from unacceptable.

Parental or adult discipline of children should be designed to help children engage better with others and to modify or control their behavior. Providing appropriate discipline to children is one of the most essential responsibilities of a parent. And providing consistent and positive discipline helps children grow into responsible adults.

According to the Committee for Children (2004), the purpose of discipline is “to encourage moral, physical, and intellectual development and a sense of responsibility in children. Ultimately, older children will do the right thing, not because they fear external reprisal, but because they have internalized a standard initially presented by parents and other caretakers. In learning to rely on their own resources rather than their parents, children gain self-confidence and a positive self-image.”

What about the use of physical discipline?American Humane, as a policy, opposes the use of physical discipline on children at home, in the community, or in school. In two national surveys, Murray A. Straus, co-director of the Family Research Laboratory at the University of New Hampshire, found that 90% of parents of three- and four-year-olds had struck their children and that 22% of parents of children under one year of age had also hit their children. The second study in 1997 found that 44% of mothers reported spanking their children during the previous week, and reported spanking their children approximately twice a week (Straus, Sugarman, & Giles-Sims, 1997).

How does physical discipline affect children?
Children in the 1997 study whose parents used corporal punishment to reduce anti-social behavior actually experienced the opposite from their children in the long run – an increased probability of aggression and other antisocial behavior. Disciplining children by spanking does not facilitate learning. Instead, it may halt the unwanted behavior only while the child is in the adult’s presence, or it may scare a child into submission. While it may teach a child what not to do, it fails to teach a child what is expected of him or her and what is an alternate behavior.
Additionally, physical discipline is most often used when the parent is frustrated or without other resource. Spanking in these circumstances may lead to an unintentional injury or more serious abuse. The following illustrate more of what physical discipline does:

• Increases anxiety and fear
• Hinders the development of empathy and compassion for others
• Makes children angry in response
• Heightens aggression toward others
• Decreases compliance and increases resistance
• Harms relationship with parent or caregiver
• Potentially causes unintended and severe physical injury
• Decreases self-esteem
• Increases the probability for an array of undesirable social and psychological behaviors
• Teaches that violence is an acceptable way to handle conflict.

How can I discipline positively?
American Humane encourages parents and other caregivers to use techniques that constitute a positive and appropriate discipline of children, such as:

• Discipline with love
• Listen and communicate
• Focus on the behavior, not the child
• Respond immediately
• Relate the discipline to the offending behavior in duration and severity
• Be realistic
• Remain calm
• Be fair
• Do not harm or injure
• Set boundaries
• Make it a learning opportunity
• Be consistent
• Be creative

© 2004. This American Humane Fact Sheet may be reproduced and distributed with appropriate citation given to American Humane.

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Can Child Abuse be Prevented? What Individuals and Communities Can Do

The prevention of child maltreatment

can often be achieved

through the simple, singular acts of

concerned individuals

and the support of caring communities.
American Humane

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about when you witness violence against children?

Do you do anything? Or just wish you had?

Do you feel like it's "family business" so you should mind your own business?

Do you wish you could do something, anything, but you don't want to do or say the wrong thing for fear of making the situation worse?





American Humane offers the following tips:

• If you decide to respond to public mistreatment of a child, try to be helpful and supportive, not judgemental and critical.


• You can do so in a number of ways: looking at the adult in a neutral
  way might be just enough to make them realize
  they are getting out of control;


• striking up a conversation with the adult may divert their
  attention from the child;


• or complimenting the child (e.g., he/she has the prettiest eyes/hair) may divert the parent’s anger.


• Individuals can also take the time to get involved
  in their neighborhood or in their place of worship.


• They can introduce themselves to neighbors and
  parents so that they can become a source of
  support to them when needed.


• Spend time coaching, tutoring, mentoring, or
  just playing with a child.


• Help a family exhibiting signs of stress before
  problems escalate into abuse and neglect, for
  example, make a meal or invite the family over.


• Offer to baby-sit the children of a single,
  working parent.


• Encourage and show patience to difficult
  children. Include them in activities with your
  children.


• Volunteer at a child-serving agency.

Have you found other actions you will share that help make a difference for a child...without resorting to calling the authorities...prematurely?

Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee