Survival of the Fittest is About Preservation- Child Abuse is Not

I have called this principal,

By which each slight variation,

If useful, is preserved,

By the term Natural Selection.

Charles Darwin

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?



I'm wondering about abused and neglected children I've known. How are they? Did they make it to a safe place in life? What has become of them? About some, I know. About others I will probably never know. This much I know...sometimes I was there, like a shadow, protecting them for a little while in their journey.

And they still come like never ending streams flowing to the sea…and remind me of the pictures of the baby turtles fighting their way to the sea against all odds…no help…just each one for him or her self...alone among the masses. Most will not make it. Nature doesn’t seem to care. If enough are born, then enough will survive and carry on. Nature, it seems, asks no more.

This morning one comes through the cold rain, not yet awake, shivering, dressed inappropriately no doubt in clothes she slept in. The calendar says summer and so Sissy (9 going on 3) has dressed her self in summer clothes. She’s carrying a chicken patty that she eats like a starving person. I caution her to slow down so she doesn’t choke. Among other things she struggles with seizures. Soon her younger sister appears. Also cold, and she, too, is hungry. Since 11 of her abscessed teeth were recently surgically removed Boots (age 8) can’t eat much...certainly not frozen chicken patties. I cook her favorite…scrambled eggs…and give them both 100% juice.

They chatter about how cute the new baby down the block is. I met her several days ago…mottled with cold. She’s the first of this never-to-be wedded teen mother. Her neighbor, not yet 21 has 4 now. Thank you God! I thought when I learn she had her tubes tied with the latest one.

A young friend spent some time with me yesterday. Now nearly grown…at an age when I dread hearing from her, the words “I have something to tell you,” but not yet old enough to know the consequences of her choices says, “Guess what? My Mom wants to have another baby.”
I cringe and swallow. “OMG” I say…then ask “Why, Kats? Since she doesn’t take care of the rest of you?”

“Oh, she says she just loves babies soooooooo much…and can’t stand thinking about not having one around.” The youngest comes to mind…nearly 4, about to start Head Start, still nursing… few words to speak, but dark haunted eyes tell it all. Kats seems almost used to the nightly violence in their home, the visits by the police. Still, she tells me how she cries…not for herself, she reminds me, but for the little ones who can’t stop crying in their fear.

After school intervened over concerns about the possibility of suicide, Kats (14, abused, neglected and victim of sexual molestation by family members) received some therapy, but she no longer goes. ”Because,” she tells me, “Dad complained about the cost of gas, and Mom said it’s too much trouble to take me since she has to drag the ‘baby’ along.” “And you Kats,” I ask? “How are you doing, babe?”

“I’m fine,” Kats says, “You know I’m always fine.”

Now, with so little left to give, I give them all I can, these precious children that seek out those of us who do what we can, like the tiny abandoned turtles seek the sea. We, who can, offer some little bit of sanctuary from the violence, the weather, the fear that is their constant companion. We, who can, provide food from our own food-pantry-stocked pantries against the rules that say we cannot share. We scrounge clothes from free clothing pantries for who can afford thrift stores anymore now that those who had enough no longer do so and shop there? With increased business the prices have been raised beyond what we can pay. We give the children encouragement that sometimes seems like hollow lies even as we offer it. “Hang on babe-things will get better.” Really? Well, they need hope at least, don’t they?

Oh… and did I mention Love? We give them love along with everything else, and when there is nothing else? We give them Love.

Not much else we can do really when their needs are so great, but we help as we can. It isn’t the “Help” that comes from broken systems with assorted initials…CPS, DYS, DYFS, et al. It doesn’t matter what they are called from place to place around the world, they are underfunded, understaffed, swamped by paperwork, and, sadly, more and more moneys meant for the children are ripped off the top by privatization that takes much for the pockets of investors and gives little to those for whom it is intended... if it ever really is.

The children struggling to survive and grow are luckier than the baby turtles struggling to reach the sea, I suppose. Although even many of those defenseless young manage to reach the sea burdened by physical deformities and go on living with who knows what perspective on life? Who knows what becomes of them once out of sight? Who knows what becomes of these little children so out of sight?

And the ones who survive? In the US every day four or five or uncounted more abused and neglected children don’t survive. Of the millions abused each year, the ones who survive bring record crime, fill the profit-making prisons, and cost billions in direct and indirect costs.
Oh…and like the lost little turtles, they, too, the lost little children eventually go on to reproduce as Nature intends.

When Sissy and Boots leave I spend the rest of my time on the computer trying to wake up the people who do not see the way so many children live in this country where so many have so much more than anyone needs, but block every attempt to do more for these children who need so much just to survive lives that most cannot… or will not… even imagine.

Too much of the time lately, I wonder, why bother? There are so many and so little of me. What can one person do? But then they come through cold rains in summer, through icy winds in winter… and I remember.

So as I am writing, Sissy and Boots return to share with me some things given to them by the system yesterday at a Children’s Fair… colorful brochures about children’s health and safety… and such…given to the parents who can’t read, cheap lead laced trinkets given without regard to the health of the little children receiving them who will most certainly have them in their mouths, chewing and eating bits and pieces.

One slick and colorful brochure is about internet safety. I think about Pacer when she was 9, telling me how horrified she was to go on her Dad’s computer, typing in her sister’s name and seeing a “movie of lots of naked men doing nasty things to one girl.” These children live the stuff others write about.

A friend says… of don’t be so hard…they mean well…everyone is doing the best they know how. And I agree- most of them are, do care, do make as much difference as they can in whatever way they are able. I’ve known the teachers with food hidden in the bottom drawer, buying school supplies out of there salaries. I’ve known the social workers who cry for the children they see the system return to parents who may make the headlines in another week. I’ve seen the pain in the eyes of the police officers who have to walk away because he says, she says and if the children say anything, it’s a lie told in fear or to protect the only family they have.
So am I too hard to hope for more? Or maybe just too tired not to? Like the little turtle who struggles on, I cannot give up as long as the children don’t.

“Will we go for a walk today,” the children want to know. “Of course,” I say. What else can I do?
And you?

......................................................................................................................
And they came again. I see that Sissy has been crying hard. I ask. Daddy punched me in the stomach. Boots gives her the look...the one that says "SH... don't tell!" I check her stomach...no sign of injury. Hopefully, there is none unseen. Why not call the police? They may or may not bother to come to their house...too many times already. And CPS? Opens and closes files on them like a revolving door. Not nearly enough funding to cover the need. These children are on their own.

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Celebrating Child Abuse Survivors: Veterans of Wars on the Home Front

Heroes take journeys,
Confront dragons,
And discover

The treasure of their true selves.
~Carol Lynn Pearson~

Can't help wondering...

what you're wondering about?
I'm wondering about heroes-
who they are and what we choose to honor about them.
In this month of Memorial Day when we stop to honor those who so proudly serve this country at home and abroad, those whose lives are cut short in battles, those permanently wounded in fights, forever scarred by the horrors of war, I am reminded of other victims of another kind that share similar experiences, but for whom we have no holidays during which to acknowledge and honor them.

These veterans, too, fight for survival against incredible odds. Those who survive, too, bear the scars of those battles for a lifetime. As with the soldiers at war, these veterans, too, pass through stages of grief, stages of recovery and stages of adjustment to living with the outcomes of their experiences. As with the soldiers we honor each May, they will never again be whatever they were or might have been had they not endured their battles.

I speak of the victims of child abuse, the survivors of child abuse, the veterans of child abuse. I speak of those unsung heroes who even while being victimized themselves often fought fearlessly for the health and safety of those around them. Many survive physical, emotional, and psychological wounds that none who have not walked in their shoes will ever understand. And I speak of the wounded warriors who carry on forevermore, selflessly giving of whatever remains that will be of benefit to others.

Like the veterans of foreign wars, veterans of home front wars may suffer from “anxiety, conduct disorder…aggression, depression, increased risk for suicide, high-risk sexual behavior, interpersonal problems, poor physical health, posttraumatic stress disorder, risky health behaviors, substance abuse, and …violence.” They may struggle with medical, economic, legal, consequences. Prevention, identification and intervention of escalating problems resulting from their experiences may be inadequate or unavailable.

As with the veterans of foreign wars, many of these veterans of home front wars suffer their visceral pains in silence, unable to speak of shameful acts committed against them, or shameful acts they committed as a result of events we can barely imagine and prefer to ignore. Help may be unavailable, or shame may prevent some from seeking it. The safety, stability and nurturance so necessary for healing may be lacking in their lives.

As a result of their painful experiences many child abuse survivors, like returning wounded warriors of foreign wars, will be at risk of perpetrating violence on others. Given a “complex interplay between individual, relationship, community, and societal factors”at least one third of them will do so without outside intervention and protection against becoming perpetrators of violence they abhor to the depths and breadth of their wounded souls.

As we recognize the changed behaviors of the veterans of foreign wars resulting from their battle injuries, and honor them by providing necessary treatment and supports, while not condoning, but holding them responsible for their action, so it is time we become aware of this other side of child abuse and honor those survivors in much the same ways.

By doing so we do two very important things. First we stop blaming the victims of child abuse for the results of the damage inflicted upon them. Second, because violence begets violence, and child abuse begets more of the same, we increase the odds of less child abuse in the future. And that, I believe, is a goal we can all agree is one worth fighting for.

So, this May, while taking time to honor those military casualties and veterans of foreign wars, let’s take a moment to remember those who died in home front wars and to honor those who survived. Let’s, too, salute and celebrate those battle-scarred veterans of all wars who continue on in their own personal battles against the ravages of violence they never asked for and certainly didn’t deserve – worthy victims, combatants, survivors, heroes, wounded warriors, conquerors and exemplars all.
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Today is the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Be sure to check Thriver's list of other great blogs submitted: http://survivorscanthrive.blogspot.com/2009/05/remembering-veteran-survivors.html

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A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Be a Voice for Taylor and Other Children Abused by the System

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about? I'm wondering what it takes to have someone listen... really listen... and stop playing games where only children pay the price?


For more about Taylor's story:
http://taylorspetition.blogspot.com/

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Wudda, cudda, shudda, pulled-from-odd-places stuff - or Facts and Accurate Information about Child Maltreatment?

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?

I'm wondering how much progress we can reasonably expect to see in reduction of child abuse when there is so much ignorance about it by so many who really need to know the truth? I.E. those primary caregivers statistically most likely to inflict abuse on the children in their care.

In spite of so many dedicated and concerned people attempting to share information- facts, informed opinions, and shared experiences through every available medium in sincere efforts to make a positive difference for children- there is still an abundance of shudda, wudda, cudda made-up off-the-cuff and pulled-from-u-no-where stuff about child abuse in such abundant supply that it is not surprising how many myths, misconceptions, misunderstandings, deceptions and outright lies surface about child abuse. Sadly they are the loudest and most voracious...their vitriolic noise often drowns out more reasonable voices in attempts to open discussions about child abuse in open forums.

So... today, for a change, I am pasting a lot of words from another source to make accessing them easier. The CDC definitions offered here seem specific, clear, concise and understandable to anyone. Unlike the federal and state definitions they don't allow a lot of room for playing verbal games.

The following is from : http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/dvp/CM_Surveillance.pdf For readability I put headings in bold but all else is as in the CDC document which can be downloaded at the URL.

For the purposes of this document the following are irrelevant to determining whether child maltreatment has occurred:
• Caregiver’s intent to harm the child.
• Caregiver’s legal liability for the maltreatment.
• Caregiver’s economic means.
• Caregiver’s religious or cultural norms.
For the purposes of this document and based on the general child maltreatment literature, a child is defined as anyone younger than 18 years of age—regardless of state

Physical Abuse
Physical abuse is defined as the intentional use of physical force against a child that results in, or has the potential to result in, physical injury.
Physical abuse includes physical acts ranging from those which do not leave a physical mark on the child to physical acts which cause permanent disability, disfigurement, or death (Barnett, Manly, and Cicchetti 1993). Physical abuse can result from discipline or physical punishment (ACF 2002).
Physical acts can include hitting, kicking, punching, beating, stabbing, biting, pushing, shoving, throwing, pulling, dragging, dropping, shaking, strangling/choking, smothering, burning, scalding, and poisoning.

Exceptions
Physical injuries to the anal or genital area or surrounding areas (e.g., anal or genital bruising or tearing; internal injuries resulting from penetration by a penis, hand, finger, or other object) that occur during attempted or completed sexual abuse, or other physical injuries that result from attempted or completed sexual abuse (e.g., bruises due to restraint, hitting, pushing) are considered sexual abuse and do not constitute physical abuse.

Sexual Abuse
Any completed or attempted (non-completed) sexual act, sexual contact with, or exploitation (i.e., noncontact sexual interaction) of a child by a caregiver.

Sexual Act
Sexual acts include contact involving penetration, however slight, between the mouth, penis, vulva, or anus of the child and another individual. Sexual acts also include penetration, however slight, of the anal or genital opening by a hand, finger, or other object (Basile and Saltzman 2002).
Genital on genital contact includes:
• Penis to vulva
• Penis to anus
• Penis to penis
Mouth on genital contact includes:
• Mouth to penis
• Mouth to anus
• Mouth to vulvalaw stating otherwise. Users of this document may choose a lower or higher age threshold based on the legal definition of minor in their jurisdiction.
Sexual acts can be performed by the caregiver on the child or by the child on the caregiver. A caregiver can also force or coerce a child to commit a sexual act on another individual (child or adult).

Abusive Sexual Contact
Abusive sexual contact includes intentional touching, either directly or through the clothing, of the following:
• Genitalia (penis or vulva)
• Anus
• Groin
• Breast
• Inner thigh
• Buttocks
Abusive sexual contact does not involve penetration of any of the above.
Abusive sexual contact can be performed by the caregiver on the child or by the child on the caregiver. Abusive sexual contact can also occur between the child and another individual (adult or child) through force or coercion by a caregiver. Abusive sexual contact does not include touching required for the normal care or attention to the child’s daily needs.

Noncontact Sexual Abuse
Noncontact sexual abuse does not include physical contact of a sexual nature between the caregiver and the child.
Noncontact sexual abuse can include the following:
1. Acts which expose a child to sexual activity (e.g., pornography; voyeurism of the child by an
adult; intentional exposure of a child to exhibitionism);
2. Filming10 of a child in a sexual manner (e.g., depiction, either photographic or cinematic, of a child in a sexual act);
3. Sexual harassment of a child (e.g., quid pro quo; creating a hostile environment because of comments or attention of a sexual nature by a caregiver to a child);
4. Prostitution of a child (e.g., employing, using, persuading, inducing, enticing, encouraging, allowing, or permitting a child to engage in or assist any other person to engage in,
prostitution11, or sexual trafficking. Sexual trafficking is defined as the act of transporting children across international borders through deception for forced sexual activity such as
prostitution or sexual slavery (Miller and Jayasundara 2001).

Psychological Abuse
Intentional caregiver behavior (i.e., act of commission) that conveys to a child that he/she is worthless, flawed, unloved, unwanted, endangered, or valued only in meeting another’s needs12. Psychological abuse can be continual (e.g., chronic and pervasive) or episodic (e.g., triggered by a specific context or situation: caregiver substance use/abuse) (Kairys and Johnson 2002).
Psychologically abusive behaviors may include blaming, belittling, degrading, intimidating, terrorizing, isolating, restraining, confining, corrupting, exploiting, spurning, or otherwise behaving in a manner that is harmful, potentially harmful, or insensitive to the child’s developmental needs, or can potentially damage the child psychologically or emotionally (Barnett, Manly, and Cicchetti 1991; McGee and
Wolfe 1991a, b).
Terrorizing
Terrorizing includes caregiver behavior that is life-threatening; makes a child feel unsafe (e.g., situations that are likely to physically hurt, kill, or abandon the child) (Myers et al. 2002); sets unrealistic expectations of the child with threat of loss, harm, or danger if expectations are not met; and threatens or perpetrates violence against a child or a child’s loved ones or objects (including toys, pets, or other possessions) (Kairys and Johnson 2002). For example, placing a child in unpredictable or chaotic circumstances would be considered terrorizing as would be placing a child in a situation reasonably considered dangerous by either the child or another adult.
Isolating
Psychological isolation occurs when a caregiver forbids, prevents, or minimizes a child’s contact with others.

DEFINITIONS OF ACTS OF OMISSION
(CHILD NEGLECT)
Failure to Provide (Barnett, Manly, and Cicchetti 1993)
Failure by a caregiver to meet a child’s basic physical, emotional, medical/dental, or educational needs—or combination thereof. Failure to provide includes the following:

Physical Neglect
Caregiver fails to provide adequate nutrition, hygiene, or shelter; or, caregiver fails to provide clothing that is adequately clean, appropriate size, or adequate for the weather. Several examples follow (Barnett, Manly, and Cicchetti 1993):
• Nutrition: A 9-year-old child makes dinner several times per week because the caregiver(s) are sleeping, away, or otherwise unavailable; a child misses or is denied meals on numerous occasions over time; a child is diagnosed as being severely malnourished.
• Hygiene: Child is dirty, smells bad, or has unwashed hair. Child’s living situation is unsanitary; dirty dishes and spoiled food are left on the kitchen table and counter.
• Shelter: Living arrangements for the child and family are unstable for two weeks or more; the residence is infested with roaches or vermin; residence in unheated or inadequately heated because caregivers have failed to ensure heat available.
• Clothing: The child always wears clothing that is too small; the child is not given a warm coat and gloves when the weather is cold.

Emotional Neglect
Caregiver ignores the child, or denies emotional responsiveness or adequate access to mental health care (e.g., caregiver does not respond to infant cries or older child’s attempt to interact) (Barnett, Manly, and Cicchetti 1993).

Medical/Dental Neglect
Caregiver fails to provide adequate access to medical, vision, or dental care for the child. Examples include the following:
• Caregiver does not administer prescribed medications;
• Caregiver refuses to take the child for needed medical attention or seek timely medical attention (Barnett, Manly, and Cicchetti 1993).

Educational Neglect
Caregiver fails to provide access to adequate education. Examples include:
• Caregiver allows child to miss 25 or more school days in one academic year without excuse;
• Caregiver does not enroll the child in school; caregiver encourages a child (under 16 years of age) to drop out of school (Barnett, Manly, and Cicchetti 1993). 18

Failure to Supervise
Failure by the caregiver to ensure a child’s safety within and outside the home given the child’s emotional and developmental needs (Barnett, Manly, and Cicchetti 1993).

Inadequate Supervision
Failure by the caregiver to ensure that the child engages in safe activities and uses appropriate safety devices; to ensure that the child is not exposed to unnecessary hazards; or to ensure appropriate supervision by an adequate substitute caregiver (Barnett, Manly, and Cicchetti 1993).

Inadequate supervision (sometimescalled “supervisional neglect ”) includes occasions when a caregiver knowingly fails to protect a child from maltreatment perpetrated by a substitute caregiver. Under such conditions, the primary caregiver’s behavior would be considered neglectful only if the maltreatment was recognized and allowed to occur. Regardless of the primary caregiver’s knowledge of the maltreatment, the substitute caregiver’s behavior would be considered maltreatment.

Exposure to Violent Environments
Caregiver intentionally13 fails to take available measures to protect the child from pervasive violence within the home, neighborhood, or community (Kairys and Johnson 2002). For example, a caregiver who sells illicit drugs out of the child’s home exposes the child to a violent environment; or, a school bus driver (temporary caregiver) who allows a student to be routinely victimized by another student while riding the bus without taking steps to intervene (e.g., notifying school administrators) also exposes a child to a violent environment.

Exposure of a child to violence between caregivers in the home may also qualify as exposure to a violent environment, particularly if the caregivers do not take available measures to protect the child from exposure. But, in instances where the caregiver is being victimized by a partner, and alternatives to protect the child are not available, or the caregiver is unaware of alternatives, the caregiver is not maltreating the child.
13
CO-OCCURRENCE OF MULTIPLE
TYPES OF ABUSE AND NEGLECT14
Multiple forms of maltreatment often coexist, as described in these examples:
• Police find a 20-month-old child with bruises on extremities, cigarette burns to the forehead and upper chest, and signs of dehydration. The child was at home with the male caregiver who was high on opium. In this instance, physical abuse, failure to provide (adequate nutrition), failure to protect
(caregiver is under the influence of drugs and unable to care for the child), and psychological abuse have occurred.
• Paramedics find a two-and-a-half-year-old child. The undressed child was walking outside in the winter and had belt-patterned bruises on the legs and trunk. The child also had ethyl alcohol in his blood system. In this example, physical abuse, failure to provide (adequate clothing), and failure to protect (unaccompanied child) have occurred.
• Upon reading a school report card, the caregiver/parent slaps the child’s face, withholds food, and berates the child’s ability until “better marks” are produced. In this scenario, physical abuse, failure to provide, and psychological abuse have occurred.

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Baby it's cold outside...so why are you in shorts and tee-shirt?

Cannot the heart in the midst of crowds

Feel frightfully alone?

Charles Lamb

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?

I'm wondering about common neglect of those too young to take care of even their most basic needs. I'm wondering about where we draw the line and call any such neglect child abuse? Outdoors this morning, it was raining and 45 degrees. Inside the store was cold, too, for some reason. The toddler girl, hunched in the basket seat, visibly shivered in her shorts and tee-shirt. She hugged herself and cried piteously. Her little arms were mottled blue as though she’d been cold a while. Nearby, Daddy read a package, and ignored her.

“Ah, baby is cold, Daddy,” I said, while smiling at the little girl. He didn’t even look at her, just said “Nah, she’s tired. That’s all.”
“Ah, cold and tired baby… not a happy way to be is it sweetie? Well hopefully Daddy will hurry and get you dressed warm and let you sleep soon.”
She looked at me with big tear filled eyes. When I reached the end of the aisle and looked back, Dad was still reading labels. The little girl still looked at me.

I wanted to wrap her in my jacket, hold her close to warm her little body, but knew that would not help the situation and might only cause her trouble for crying and attracting attention to her plight. I could only hope he would finish his shopping soon, put her safely in her car seat, turn the heater on, and once home, dress her appropriately. Hope. So little to offer. So little to do. So sad to know how many millions are faring no better.

Was he a mean, uncaring, blatantly overtly chronically neglectful Daddy? Not necessarily. Possibly, and hopefully, he was just a situationally self-centered neglectfully unaware Daddy. But in either case, an obviously suffering child was being ignored by the one person who could do something for her. Her basic physical and emotional needs were clearly not being met. The fact that she was not howling her distress and demanding his attention is not a good sign. She showed no expectation of help as is frequently the case with neglected children. They learn early that no one listens, no one cares.
The following is from American Humane...one of my favorite child protection organizations.
http://www.americanhumane.org/protecting-children/programs/chronic-neglect/
“Chronic Neglect
Chronic neglect of children is one of the most persistent and intractable challenges facing the nation’s child welfare system. The term “chronic neglect” refers to an enduring pattern in which a child’s basic physical, developmental and/or socio-emotional needs are repeatedly unmet by the child’s parent or caregiver. Research indicates that chronic neglect is manifested in different ways (e.g., physical, emotional, medical, educational) at different times; that is, children experience various omissions of their basic needs over an extended period of time. Research and day-to-day child welfare practice suggest that traditional short-term or incident-based services are not effective interventions for these families. Moreover, there is limited focus on prevention for the children and caregivers impacted by chronic neglect. Yet children who are repeatedly deprived of fundamental needs can experience serious consequences, including delays in neurobiological development, physical and mental illness, cognitive and educational deficiencies, and socio-emotional and behavioral challenges.”

http://www.americanhumane.org/assets/docs/protecting-children/PC-chronic-families-chronic-neglect.pdf
http://www.americanhumane.org/assets/docs/protecting-children/PC-chronic-neglect-2008.pdf

In the story at this link, neglect is obvious...and yet there are those who will make excuses for it happening, too.

http://www.fox61.com/pages/landing/?Plainfield-Police-Find-Toddler-Outside-I=1&blockID=232173&feedID=341

Perhaps making excuses for any of it needs to stop and more training and accountability needs to be expected of those who have children?
A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Street Children: Not Made in USA Only

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?



Allen Clelland-Goddard from Trinidad and Tobaggo looks like an angel, sings like one too...but his message is anything besides sweet and childlike.

Street children worldwide grow in numbers daily. The current economic crisis is bound to escalate an already horrible global crisis for children everywhere.

Just because they have always been a part of civilization is no excuse to continue to ignore their plight. Look around where you live...how many do you see?

Now the real question is: How many are there in your town that you don't see?

And the next question is: What will you do to make a difference for them?

If not you...then who...if not now, then when?

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Run and Rally to Stop Child Sexual Abuse: Change is Possible

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?



People can change...people do change.

We don't have to continue to abuse or facilitate the abuse of our children by our choices and denials.

But the first step towards change is acknowledging the problem exists and is serious almost beyond belief.

When the person most likely to be sexually abused is a 4 year old child in his or her home, it is way past time to wake up and stop the abuse.

Listen to the alarm. The wake-up call could be in your own home.

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

I Call That Love...or is it Child Abuse?

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?

During this month of Child Abuse Prevention Awareness I wonder even more than usual about child abuse.

Today, I'm wondering about Love and Child Abuse...

They call it love… and they mean it.

They call it love when the child is sick and they take him to the emergency room, and then go with him to Wal-Mart to shop while the prescription is being filled.

They call it love when the medication sits untaken because the child doesn’t like to take medicine and they don’t want to make him take it.

They call it love when they add sugar to the baby food to make it taste better.

They call it love when they let the child stay up at night until she wants to go to bed or falls asleep in front of the TV.

They call it love when they wash the child’s mouth with soap for having a trash mouth, using words the child learned from them and their friends.

They call it love when they slap a child in the face for saying no, no matter what the circumstances…because a child needs to learn to respect his parents.

They call it love when they spank a toddler to teach her to not touch hot things…sharp things…dangerous things…for her own good.

They call it love when they use a belt on a child to teach him not to lie to them because lying is bad ….and heaven help the child who says, well how come it’s not bad when you lie. Then they call it love when they knock the child to the ground to teach her not to use a fresh mouth with them.

They call it love when they burn a child with a lit cigarette or match to teach him not to touch hot things.

They call it love when they bite a child to teach her that it is wrong to bite. They call it love when they punish a child by sending him to bed without supper…. for begging for food from the neighbors and embarrassing them.

They call it love when they teach her no manners because it is such a drag to keep nagging and who cares anyway because nobody likes anyone who goes around putting on airs.

They call it love when they let children spend days and nights in the same clothes… because they are favorites.

They call it love when the child eats nothing but chicken nuggets for months because that is what he likes.

They call it love when they don’t make a child do homework because they hated school, too.

They call it love when they blame the teacher for not teaching, the neighbor for not understanding, the relative for just being jealous of their kids special qualities and making a fuss about little things…cause kids will be kids, boys will be boys…

They call it love when there are no rules, no expectations, nor requirements….because they hated it when adults were always bossing them around when they were kids so they sure as hell aren’t going to do it to their kids.

They call it love when they don’t make a kid brush his teeth because he doesn’t want to, don’t take him to a dentist because he doesn’t want to go, and they call it interference when a school nurse reports that the child has a mouth full of abscessed teeth.But they call it love when they go to have the 11 teeth surgically removed even though it's silly to have baby teeth removed.

They call it love when they take the children to the bars while they drink because only bad parents leave their children home alone while they go out drinking… or they call it love when they leave the children home alone while they go drinking because bars are no place for children to be.

And so forth and so on… and always they call it love.

I call it child abuse.

But I believe them when they call it love because those are the only things they’ve ever known.

And so I do all that I can to raise awareness in the hopes that one day one of them will say OMG what am I doing and how can I make a change…so that their children’s lives can end up being a little better…so that their grandchildren can have some greater chance of knowing that love can be something more than what they knew and called love because they never knew any better.
I call that love.

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Waiting for Rainbows: On the Sexual Assault of Children

Birds Fly Over the Rainbow...

Why - Oh Why - Can't I?

Do you ever wonder or worry about the possible risk to you or your loved ones of being a victim of sexual assault? I suspect if you do, you think more of the risk to a college student than to a pre-school student.
And yet, at this moment, the most likely person to be sexually assaulted is a four year old child in his or her own home.
For most of us, it hurts to think about rape and 4 year olds in the same time and place. We'd rather think of just about anything else. But it's time we do think about it...talk about it...find something we can do about it. Not doing so hurts them more than they are already being hurt. That's a fact. There are other facts that need to be brought into the open about the sexual assault of children before the day can come when children will be safe in the place they should be safest...in their own homes.
Over 67% of all reported sexual assaults are committed against juveniles...children under 18.
One of every 7 reported cases involves a child under 6.
The risk of being the victim of forced sodomy peaks at age 4.
The risk of being sexually assaulted with an object peaks at age 3 & 4.
The risk of forcible fondling, the other high volume sex assault offense along with forcible rape, first peaked at age 4.
Other related statistics contribute to the bigger picture of sexual assaults.
1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men will be a victim of sexual assault in their lifetime.
Approximately 73% of rape victims know their assailants.
60% of sexual assaults are not reported to the police.
Reporting has increased by 1/3 since 1993.
60% of sexual assaults are not reported to the police.
Reporting has increased by 1/3 since 1993.
But I admit the following fact is one of the most disturbing to me, because it tells us what we don't want to acknowledge.
Only 6% of rapists will ever spend a day in jail.
Sexual Assaults are crimes. They destroy people's lives and yet, apparently, as a culture, we do not consider the crime worth acknowledging...worth punishing...or worth doing much of anything about. We don't protect the children, we don't punish the perpetrators, and we don't do whatever necessary to break the cycle that continues generation after generation. But this message isn't about sending perpetrators to jail... there is no correction or solution to this problem in that option. No, this post isn't about the perpetrators at all. This is about, and for, the children who are victims and the survivors still struggling to escape their silent storms. They deserve to find a rainbow waiting somewhere...a promise for a better tomorrow.
But when?
This isn't new information to me, yet I am as guilty as others about preferring to ignore this crime being committed against children, even as I devote decades to learning about it and other forms of child abuse.
But why?
Do we think it is okayfor children to be sexually assaulted? Do we think if we don't acknowledge this epidemic in our culture it will somehow disappear? Not a week goes by that there isn't a story on the local news about another child being sexually assaulted... last week here, one was a 3 month old baby, and the other a 2 year old toddler girl. Is this area somehow worse than others? Or is this happening in every town across America, on the local news along with the usual lineup of fires and auto accidents and crooked politicians... just another routine bit of news to ignore? Just something that happens in those other families, those other houses, those other lives? None of our business? It is as though there is a flashing red "WARNING! Bystander intervention is actively discouraged" sign everywhere we turn. There is no purpose in pointing fingers and casting blame at systems that fail our children. They are but a reflection of what we as a culture expect of them.
"Ours is a culture that allows sexual assault to flourish," said David Lee, of CALCASA, on a recent broadcast.
Ours is a culture that apparently prefers to "ignore, encourage, deny, condone...and minimize responsibility of people to do anything about it" added John Foubert, of One in Four, on the same show.
Ours as a culture apparently prefers to expect the victims to remain behind closed doors, keeping our shame in their dark places, silently singing of an unlikely escape over a rainbow, while we walk on singing songs of happy little blue birds in the sunshine.
Andrew Vachss relates that "A friend asked me if child abuse was increasing. I said the question he should ask is, "Who cares?" because obviously few do.
But some do...and that's a beginning.
Fortunately more and more have had enough, more and more are speaking out, more and more are determined to create a change.
But who among us wants to tell the children... keep on singing...we'll get there someday...hopefully before you find a way through death or drugs to fly away over that rainbow.
Do you?
An Andrew Vachhs article from 2004, is still worth reading. In it, he asks,
"What are you going to do about child abuse?"
Indeed... what are we going to do about child abuse?
I wonder...
And as I wonder, the young child in the back of my mind remembers. She still sings "why-oh why-can't I," louder, faster and harder, as she did then, hiding in a wood, swinging faster, harder and higher, hoping that going faster, harder, higher while desperately clinging to that knotted rope, somehow, some way, some day, some how she would find the way to fly over the rainbow and escape the sexual abuse of her life.

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

FYI...
Sexual Assault & Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-494-8100

A Few Reference Links:
http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/saycrle.pdf
http://wwwhauntedhouse-rainbow.blogspot.com/?zx=9c583c76ae9ae99
http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/parade_082204.html
http://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/sexual-assault-offenders
http://www.rainn.org/statistics
http://www.brown.edu/Student_Services/Health_Services/Health_Education/sexual_assault/saar.htm
http://www.linkedin.com/pub/2/422/29b
http://www.mencanstoprape.org/info-url2699/info-url_show.htm?doc_id=319058
http://www.mystrength.org/

Kids and Peanut Butter: A Sticky Mess in the Making

...Children accounting for half of the salmonella illnesses...a worldwide recall that now includes pails of peanut butter shipped to schools, military bases and nursing homes...safety issues raised by the outbreak are drawing comparisons to those in China's tainted milk scandal...


Can't help wondering...
what you're wondering about?


Of course I'm wondering about child abuse and neglect.

What single product is more universally connected to children than peanut butter?

And now, because peanut butter paste is a cheap filler... a "low-cost yet tasty additive"... it is used in products from cookies & candies to vegetable & fruit products. So who can eat and still escape consuming it? Not our pets, and certainly not our children.

Sadly, the people who made the decision to ship 32 truck loads to the USDA for use in the Free Lunch Program for poor children certainly knew what they were doing... and chose to subject the children to harm. As long as wink-wink laws and inspections persist without a public outcry and demands for the protection of children from the greed of the market that puts their lives below the bottom line of profits, I call that societal child abuse and neglect.


A friend, who considers me too hard on people anyway, chided me for my concern over this issue. "After all," he said, "there are only 8 deaths and a few hundred illnesses out of more than 300 million who are eating the products every day. So what's the big deal?" [actually 19,000+ illnesses in 43 states]

And a few minutes ago a local newscaster said reassuringly, "as far as food diseases go salmonella is not the worst ... unless you die from it of course.."

Guess that makes it a little problem? Much ado about nothing? No big deal? To me, what should be of most concern, and makes it a really BIG problem, is not how many are known dead or ill from eating peanut butter products as terrible as that is (and how do we really know how many children home with "viruses" may actually be suffering from eating it?) but rather, to me, the public outcry should be about the way the companies and laws conspire against the health and safety of people through default.

Think you aren’t affected by the biggest US food recall ever? If you or loved ones, including your pets, eat cakes, cookies, candy, ice cream, snack bars, pet foods, crackers, snack mixes, fruits and vegetables, dressings and seasonings, prepackaged meals…pet foods… and oh yes… PEANUTS or PEANUT BUTTER… you might want to check out the updated list of 1844 recalled products. And remember recalls are voluntary… don’t assume presence on store shelf means safety.

• Check stores...and your food supplies for these products:
  http://www.accessdata.fda.gov/scripts/peanutbutterrecall/index.cfm
• Or download the list to share with others:
  http://www.accessdata.fda.gov/scripts/peanutbutterrecall/PeanutButterProducts2009.xls
• Or contact Congress to demand action on real food safety laws:
  http://www.visi.com/juan/congress/
• AND please sign my petition to Congress:
  http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/Make-Our-Food-Safe-To-Eat

Here are a few reminders from the health department:

• The public should NOT consume products on the recall list.
• The recall list can be found online at: http://www.fda.gov/ or by calling 1-888-463-6332.
• If the public find recalled items on the shelves at local stores, please notify the store manager immediately.
• Any individual who has consumed a recalled product and has the symptoms of salmonella should contact a health care provider immediately.
• Symptoms of salmonella include: headache, diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, abdominal cramps, and fever.
• Salmonella can invade the bloodstream and cause life-threatening infections for people with weakened immune systems or other underlying health conditions. Symptoms for those individuals can be more severe
  

And this story is not over yet...just now on tv news... notice of a second plant... this one in Texas...closed for the same problem.

A Child is Waiting.

Take care...be aware.

Nancy