ChildPerson From The South

One in four children exposed to some form of family violence, study finds

2011-10-19T14:04:00.000-04:00

One in four children exposed to some form of family violence, study finds

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about? A Child is Waiting,Take care...be aware,Nancy Lee

Babies and toddlers should learn from play, not screens

2011-10-19T11:37:00.000-04:00

Babies and toddlers should learn from play, not screens

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about? A Child is Waiting,Take care...be aware,Nancy Lee

Alison Gopnik: What do babies think? | Video on TED.com

2011-10-12T10:53:00.000-04:00

Alison Gopnik: What do babies think? | Video on TED.com

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about? A Child is Waiting,Take care...be aware,Nancy Lee

The Opposite of Child Abuse is More Than the Absence of Abuse and Neglect

2009-12-17T08:58:00.010-05:00

The child is not honored if we always expect him to grow up, because a child is not grown up.~Thomas Moore~

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?
Recognizing child abuse is becoming easier for the average person to identify as ever increasing numbers of organizations and individuals dedicate their efforts to raising awareness about what commissions and omissions constitute child abuse and neglect. However, there is more to providing children with positive, nurturing environments than simply eliminating abuse and neglect from their lives. Although, admittedly, protecting children by eliminating abuse and neglect from the lives of children remains an important priority for many of us. Recently a dear friend shared with me her beautiful thoughts on what children need and deserve as basic rights. Here, with her permission, I share them with you...

Children
First and foremost, a child must know that he is safe and secure. This
sounds so simple, but it is anything but simple. In order for a child to be
free to explore his territory and/or abilities, he must know that his
guardians are exactly that, guarding him. Clear, precise, and consistent
boundaries give a child a sense of security. He must know what is and is not
allowed. Knowing he has someone to firmly guide and protect him relieves him
of fear and a premature sense that he should know those kinds of things
himself. His mental age must always be considered and understood. Words
used should be relative to his level of understanding. Over-explaining
causes confusion and frustration. Simple, short, and clear communication is
quickly processed by a young child. More thorough explanations will come
when the child is able to communicate on that same level. He will question
why he should or shouldn't do something.

A part of preparing the child for living in her future world is to give her
a realistic understanding of her position in the family and in society.
Allowing her to be the center of attention for too much time, or giving her
the sense that everything centers on her and what she wants to do creates a
false sense of self-importance and empowerment. The child needs to know that
she is an integral part of the family and that there are other members who
have equal importance. It is unfair to the child to allow her to think that
everyone will focus on her and that others do not have valuable status. It
is important for parents to take care of their own needs, do their work, and
go on with their own lives so that they are setting an example to the child
as to how to live her life in the future. Not only that, she learns to
respect the lives of others. There must be a balance to all of this, of
course. The child should not be ignored and left to fend for herself. On the
other hand, it is important for her to know how to entertain herself and
allow the other members of the family to do the same.

Parents must set some boundaries for themselves, also. It's important to
know that children will take all of the attention that anyone will give to
them. It is physically impossible to give the child all of the attention
they want and still live a normal life. Not only that, as I have stated
above, it is unfair to the child. When the parents go on with their lives
much as they did before they had a child, while giving the child an
appropriate amount of attention, meeting their needs and treating them as
valuable little people, the child assumes a realistic position within the
family, neither as the center nor head of it. The child learns the function
of all the roles of each family member. Thus, they become a functional
family rather than the dysfunctional family that has gotten so much
attention in the last few years.

Children need to see that there is a special relationship between the mother
and father that is different from that which involves them. This can be done
by setting clear boundaries around that relationship and not including the
child in a way that might give the child the impression that they are a part
of that particular interaction. Sometimes it must be husband and wife, only.
Making this differentiation is extremely important for the child's future
relationships. This should be done in a natural, subtle manner without
making the child feel unimportant or rejected. Remember that the child is
recording what he sees and experiences for future use. He learns what he
sees far more clearly and permanently than what he is told. Words mean much
less than actions.

Discipline, coming from the word disciple, further explains this concept.
Children are disciples of their parents. It is as simple as that. The
parents teach the children how to act by what they themselves do. A mother
who allows the father to abuse her is telling the child that abuse is
acceptable and that she, too, can be abused. The father is teaching the
child that it is acceptable to treat a woman in this manner. Telling the
child otherwise will have little effect. On a more positive note, parents
treating each other with kindness and respect are teaching the child to do
the same. To discipline a child is to show her how to behave rather than
tell her. Correcting a child's behavior is showing her how to do what is
appropriate, not focusing on the wrong doing. Telling a child to not do
something leaves her focused on that same action without knowing what the
appropriate action is. Smacking or spanking a child for something she has
done is more confusing to the child than any other action. Not only has she
not been shown the appropriate action to be done, the person she loves and
trusts with her life has just told her that she is not safe with that
person. The child is already frustrated and confused, now she is in fear of
her protector. Nothing is solved by striking a child in any manner.
Threatening to strike a child is bullying, sending the message that the
parent is bigger than the child and therefore able to hurt her. Added to the
hurt the child realizes that she is no longer safe and secure with those she
has trusted, their love can quickly be replaced with inflicted pain.

Using violence, spanking a child, is a sign that the parent has chosen not
to try to deal with the situation, but to take the easy way out for herself.
However, the parent has lost in the long run. The relationship that has been
so diligently and lovingly developed has been spoiled. Many people have
been taught that the Bible states that a parent should not "spare the rod"
and they think this literally means an actual rod. What has not been
explained is that the word rod is meant as a "standard", a discipline, a way
of behaving. Yes, parents must provide solid standards, principals and
values by which the child can adhere, boundaries and examples. But, at no
time is anyone directed to strike a child. Should the child need a firm
hand, that hand should be used to help the child change his behavior, not
strike him. A child should always trust that when a hand of his parent
reaches towards him, it is coming to give him love and assistance. Fear
should never come between the parent and child. Firmly removing a child from
the offending behavior, removing the object from his possession, lovingly
restraining him from the action, allows him to understand that the parent is
in control and can be trusted to stop him if and when he goes beyond the set
boundaries. It is the action that the child responds to, not just the words.
He is depending on his parents to keep him within the standards they have
set for him.

Allowing the child too much time to correct his actions is teaching him that
he can delay responding to the parent's request or command. He will take as
long as the parent allows. Correcting once and then enforcing it with action
- helping to make the right move - teaches the child that one correction is
enough. Otherwise, the child is put in an unfair position of assuming that
he has authority that he does not yet have. The right to discuss the
directions given by the parent will come well after the child can talk and
reason in a rational way. This happens in growth increments throughout his
childhood. Expecting him to have reasoning abilities before his brain has
reached that stage is upsetting for him and can trigger what seems to be a
temper tantrum but is actually his way of expressing his frustration. The
child may be saying "I have lost control of my body and actions. Please help
me". This is aggravated further by giving him a swat or spanking. Holding
the child and talking to him in a calm assertive manner, reassures him that
he is safe and will be kept within the proper boundaries of behavior by his
guardian.

It is important for the adult to remain in the role of parent and never
think that the small child is directing his frustration directly at the
adult. In other words, don't take it personally. Doing so will misdirect the
parent's thinking onto herself instead of the needs of the child. Separating
herself from the child's behavior allows her to remain calm and help the
child through his current drama. Keeping in mind that the child will
eventually emulate the behavior of both parents helps to keep the parents'
actions appropriate.

For a child to grow up with a healthy perspective of what it is to be a
functional adult, it is necessary that he have a solid relationship with
both parents, especially if they are both in the home. (When either parent
is raising the child alone, a whole different scenario evolves.) If one
parent dominates, the child will absorb that by osmosis! He will grow up
with an unbalanced respect for both parents, thus the same attitude toward
his spouse or mate. If the father chooses to allow the mother to do the
majority of the parenting, the child will assume the woman is the stronger
of the two. If the mother leaves the so-called disciplinary actions to the
father, then the child will fear the father and rule the mother. For him to
experience a loving relationship with both parents and have equal respect
for both roles, he needs to know that he can depend on both of them to keep
him safe, provide for his needs, and prevent him from going beyond the
boundaries they have set for him. This is not to say that they must spend
equal time with the child or that their responsibilities are the same. Every
family will have different situations.

A family in which both parents have jobs outside the home will have
different duties than a family who has a stay-at-home mother or father. Just
as the parent who stays at home is not expected to go out and work a
full-time job, the parent who goes out to work is not expected to spend
equal time with the child as the parent who stays at home. In order to
provide a functional relationship for the child to emulate, both adults must
recognize that their jobs are of equal importance and show respect for each
other. The amount of time that each parent spends with the child should be
agreed upon by both parents without either having unspoken expectations. The
child needs to feel a balance in his relationship with each parent and to
know that both parents will be consistent in providing the security he needs
within the same set of boundaries. If one parent only plays with the child
and assumes no other responsibilities while the other takes on all the
responsibilities, rarely having time to play, that does not provide balance.
A child needs to know that he can turn to either parent at any time in his
life and receive similar support and guidance....[Author: SS 2009]

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Congress Pressed to Act to Curb Child-Abuse Deaths - ABC News

2009-12-11T14:29:00.000-05:00

Congress Pressed to Act to Curb Child-Abuse Deaths - ABC News

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Congress Pressed to Act to Curb Child-Abuse Deaths - ABC News

2009-12-11T14:28:00.000-05:00

Congress Pressed to Act to Curb Child-Abuse Deaths - ABC News

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

NAPCAN: Prevent Child Abuse and Neglect

2009-10-12T16:14:00.001-04:00

Intercourse at 8 and 9...not mine! you say. Really?

2009-08-20T13:57:00.010-04:00

Those people who say that

kids don't have sex at that young of age

should think again.

Brenda Lohman

Can't help wondering...

what you're wondering about when you think of children 8 and 9 years old having intercourse?

Today Science Daily reports, “Low-income Kids Report First Sexual Intercourse At 12 Years Of Age In New National Study.” The co-author of the study, Brenda Lohman, admits to being shocked and says, "Definitely the age is the most shocking thing about this study."

Reminds me of the childhood ditty- “First comes love, then comes marriage, then comes baby…..”? Makes me wonder if maybe the modern version goes…. “First comes sex, then comes baby with a baby carriage, then along comes another to the unmarried mother… “ Forget those old fashioned values like love and marriage. They got thrown out along with the baby’s bath water.

Unlike Lohman, I’m not shocked over much these days when it comes to children and the lives they live. But for me there is another shocking aspect of kiddie sex, besides the very young ages of the children in this study, that is not addressed in this article. Call it something like changing parental attitudes...or let's call it like it is...another form of child abuse and neglect.

Once upon a time, and even more so today, some parents gave their children access to alcohol at home because, they said, “Kids are going to drink somewhere anyway, and we’d rather it be in our home where we can know they are safe.” Today some parents espouse the same reason for providing their young children with contraceptive measures and privacy to have their sexual experiences at home.” Hello?!

Will someone please tell these parents that “Safe Sex” does not mean putting the girl on the pill, and encouraging their youthful liaisons at home instead of in some mall bathroom. One 14 year old girl’s great-grandmother recently called me in a panic because the family had decided to put the child on the pill so that she would not get pregnant as her 16 year old cousin recently did. The great-grandmother was amazingly calm about the possibility the girl might be having sex, but near hysteria because no one would listen to her concerns about the risk of STD’s. She wanted me to talk to the girl...a young friend of mine for nearly five years now. I did.

The girl already has an active sex life- has already had pregnancy false alarms. Her family- mother, father, aunts, uncles and grandparents decided because she was so generally immature that she might forget to take the pill the mother should ask the doctor to give her “the shot.” The doctor said no, too young, and prescribed the pill. Then the parents decided the next best thing to do to protect their child would be to allow sleep-overs so they would know where she is and with whom she is doing what. Alcohol included? Other drugs? Who knows. One is tempted to ask... so who cares?

Unusual family? No. A situation common only among the lower socio-economic levels? No. A growing epidemic among the young struggling with youthful hormones, early sexualization, easy access to every kind of sexualized entertainment and social media, and an all too obvious breakdown of family morals, values and basic concerns for the health and welfare of the young? My guess is yes.

Let’s get real. Let’s stop kidding ourselves. Let’s face what is before it isn’t only 20-30% of children under 16 having intercourse…and making babies…and spreading STD’s…and looking to us, the society that ignored them, to provide for them all… for happily ever after.

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

A Child Abuse Legend- A Journey of Healing

2009-07-15T09:57:00.014-04:00

I turn to you who have known pain and fear

And failure and despair,

And in your eyes I read companionship

And though your cloak be threadbare,

Half of it is mine.

You are my friend.

Lila Cabot Perry

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about as you look at this little lost dog who took a long journey far from home and wanted nothing more than to find his way?

Healing from child abuse is a journey. Along with the freedom to choose healing, we choose a journey that like any other will be filled with byways, hills and valleys. At times the going is easy and we celebrate our successes with joy. At other times, the going is hard and we stumble, even collapse, under the weight of it. Then we may cry out in torment to whatever gods may be for us: Why me? Why struggle? Why go on?

But at every step of the way we need to remember that any journey is a passage. From there to here, we do not make it alone. With every step along the way we are changed…and we change the world. Sometime we know where we have made a positive difference sometimes we
never know just how some little choice we make may make all the difference for another.

Yesterday I saw a little dog walking along the road…alone, lost and confused. It was later in the day, I was tired. A large part of me wanted to ignore her and her plight. But I made the harder choice and rescued her. No collar, no clue...I’d never seen her in the neighborhood. She was definitely a stranger in a strange land.

Which way to turn, to go to help her find her way home?

First things first, I thought as I picked her up and carried her to my house…give her water, food, and rest. She is so weary.

I understand weary...understand feeling lost, alone, hopeless. It is how I feel many times. I’ve been weary it seems since early childhood. A time filled with ongoing physical, emotional, sexual abuse and chronic neglect. Barely aware of death by age seven, I already sought death as my only escape from hell on earth. From my limited perspective on ways to kill myself, I plotted, schemed, planned and tried many ways but always some fear or something else, interfered. Swimming as far out into the ocean only to have the sea throw me back onto the shore, running to throw myself in front of a train but slipping on the rocks with my outstretched hands inches from the sparks that flew from the train, jumping into a canal known to kill children each year, running into traffic. My last attempt came when I was 15.

That night, I slashed my wrist twice with a razor blade as cold and steely as my determination to not fail again. Then, as blood shot everywhere, I lay down with my bible, at ease, prepared to die and sure that my God would welcome me home.

Anger flooded through me when I awoke. And searing pain. And quiet desperation. The mess was incredible…I had to get to my job as a car hop. No time to clean. Who would notice anyway? The wounds were bad… what to do? I ran to a friend’s house, her mother was a nurse. She cleaned and pulled the wounds together with tape to work as stitches, wrapped my wrist in gauze, found a wide Indian beaded bracelet to cover the bandage… gave me love and encouragement and sent me off to work.

As I walked along, head down, raging in anger at being alive, devastated that God didn’t let me escape to come home, instead of the weight of my life, I suddenly felt the warmth of the sun on my shoulders. I looked up to see a field filled with white daisies and thousands of white butterflies flitting among them. Their dew drenched yellow centers glistened like gold. Rainbows were everywhere through the tears that flowed as I heard, “My child, it is not yours to choose when to come home. That is for me to say. But you are not alone- I am with you always. Now promise you will continue on and not try such things again.” And I did. And I did not.

There is no fairy tale ending. The story that was my life went on. Fifty years later the scars on my wrist remain to remind me of that night.

My brother, sneaking in my room in search of cigarettes, panicked at the bloody mess and told my parents. When my father pulled into the parking lot, my heart stopped. I walked to his car. He grabbed the wounded wrist and twisted it, yanked off the bracelet to expose the bloody bandage, then slapped me across the face. “You bitch…what the hell kind of stupid shit is this…just wait ‘til you get home. I’ll fix your ass for embarrassing us."

So when the little dog was rested I made a leash and off we went…blindly going we knew not where but knowing doing something is better than doing nothing. The walk was pleasant and we met many nice people along the way. But no one knew her. When she could go on no more, I carried her back and we rested. Then we drove around, stopping to ask everyone…do you know her, she’s lost and wants to go home. Then finally, once again, walking around, enjoying the setting sun, and the cool summer evening. So many people! So many smiles! Where have you come from little one, and where are you going?

Finally it was too late to continue. Her eyes beseeched me but she settled down to watch the door. Tomorrow, Love, tomorrow we will find your home…I promise.

Well the dog story does have a happy ending…
Nearly midnight I awoke to a pounding on my door. A family desperately seeking to find her had given up and returned home. The mother called a friend to talk about their loss and futile search.
“OMG! You won’t believe this,” the friend said, “I was visiting a friend earlier, and she had a phone call from another friend, and while they were talking, a woman came by, walking a little white dog, saying she was lost! Maybe it’s your dog.”

“How could that be? It’s so far away from here? But we will try to find her anyway.”
And so they did.

And so you will find your way, and there will be help you never dreamed of, if you choose healing and just keep going…and someday fifty years hence, you may even look at your scars and say…after all is said and done, Life is Good. Thank You God!

And please now let me say, although the words may sound trite and over used…as you choose healing, and go through the valleys, along the byways, over the seemingly endless hills...Enjoy your Journey!

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Bullies Made Not Born? Child Abuse a Cause? A Result?

2009-07-01T13:13:00.011-04:00

Evil becomes the incapacity

That is forced on one by his lack of training.
Bryan Short, 1997

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?

In my neighborhood new babies are celebrated, as they probably are in yours, and in so many other locations, with much ado and great fanfare. There is much anticipation and celebration before the birth. Friends and neighbors can’t do enough. Mother is feted with parties. Fathers strut and preen as proud peacocks do. Jubilation is everywhere in the air.

After the birth, beaming parents parade bright-eyed, trusting, innocent, eager-to-learn newborns around for all to see the precious additions to the community. The babies are all duly oohed, ahhed and awed over as the beautiful miracles they are conceived to be.

All too soon some of the babies are being referred to as demanding, spoiled, manipulating, brats-usually with colorful references to the other biological parent as the cause, whether said influence is in residence or not. Basic genetics at work? Babies born bad and soon to be meaner than junk yard dogs? So it would seem if one listens and believes.

By toddlerhood it looks like the bullies are in control of everything but them selves…brutally smacking and tormenting anything that doesn’t move out of the way fast enough…including smaller babies and bigger, cowering siblings, harried caretakers, and stunned strangers.

Watching this play out year after year, I wonder where each sweet, innocent, prized and precious baby went. Where did this little terrorizing tyrant come from? The answer is usually obvious to anyone who watches…and it has nothing to do with changelings and ghoulish goblins who “pushed their way in and pulled baby out, leaving another made of ice.” (Maurice Sendak)

Almost all relatives, and those living in the neighborhood, offer advice when the bullying characteristics appear…”you’d better beat the devil out of that one while you can or you’ll be sorry later!” And many will do their perceived neighborly duty. They will help by yelling and swatting the child at every opportunity. And there will be opportunities- many- as the bully-baby roams with little supervision and rampages at will.

Not yet verbal, he becomes an easy target for blame by anyone seeking to shift responsibility or attention… which increases the smacks, swats, and beatings…which increases the bullying behaviors…

The child learns…what he is taught…behind closed doors and in the open.

In time, the child learns new behaviors…learns to bully without witnesses-becomes adept at lying and manipulation…learns to bluster, browbeat, buffalo, bulldoze, coerce, dominate, lean on, lord over, menace, oppress, persecute, terrorize, threaten, torment, torture, traumatize and tyrannize.

And no one involved, who should have been watching, is ever willing to “…go outside over there to rescue her baby.” (Maurice Sendak)

Until…the child is dragged or pushed to a doctor, then drugged based on a caregiver’s description of the born-bad child and professional observation of a child obviously disruptive and lacking self-control.

The child, not yet grown, will teach as he has learned. Eventually, the child comes of age and will reproduce in his or her own image. Of that you can be sure.

But if the child is lucky, if you are lucky, if we all are lucky, perhaps there was one, who “never knowing, hugged the changeling and ... murmured: ‘How I love you’.”

And that one person...perhaps its you?... knowing love, and giving it, can make all the difference for the child born "good" who never would have been otherwise. Of that you also can rest assured.

Sendak, Maurice. Outside Over There. Harper & Row. 1981.

FYI:

Books:

Please Stop Lauging at Me...One Womans' Inspirational Story
by Jodee Blanco
Please Stop Laughing at Us...One Survivor's Extraordinary Quest to Prevent School Bullying by Jodee Blanco

Articles:
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2009/06/090630173815.htm
Less Empathy Toward Outsiders: Brain Differences Reinforce Preferences For Those In Same Social Group
“An observer feels more empathy for someone in pain when that person is in the same social group…”
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/07/080711080957.htm
Children Are Naturally Prone To Be Empathic And Moral
“The programming for empathy is something that is "hard-wired" into the brains of normal children…”
http://www.sciencedaily.com/releases/2008/11/081107071816.htm
Bullies May Enjoy Seeing Others In Pain
“Unusually aggressive youth may actually enjoy inflicting pain on others…”

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Just Can't Sugar-Coat Child Abuse

2009-06-25T01:50:00.011-04:00

There is a moment of difficulty and danger at which

Flattery and falsehood can no longer deceive,

And simplicitiy itself can no longer be misled.

Anon

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?

I'm wondering about sugar-coated worlds and the inequities of life.
The Duck and his siblings stopped by the neighbor's today. “Hey, how are you!” he yelled across the driveway that separated us, when he saw me sitting on the porch.
Big, friendly grin as usual. Everybody likes the Duck. You really can’t help it. He’s just that kind of guy…mostly.

“I didn’t waste no time on that fat-f-ing bitch this month. She can get somebody else to kiss her fat-f-ing ass, keep her fat-f-ing food. Who needs it anyway-stale rotten shit nobody else wants anyway-g-damned f-ing rip-off anyway.”

Contrary to what the language might suggest The Duck is the smartest in his family. He often says, with obvious beaming pride, “My Mom always said she didn’t raise no stupid a-holes.” And although eventually they lost the court case on the condemnation of the family home, after it was found to house 42 dogs chained to the walls and ceilings, adults, children and animals all living without water or electricity, amid deep layers of feces and urine everywhere, it was The Duck who appeared before the judge to refuse a public defender, completed all the necessary paperwork, presented their case to the court, spoke briefly on camera …and did it all without a verbal meltdown.

His brother, Grub, usually along as silent, sulking driver of the car The Duck managed to procure from the system in order to get to the job he quit after getting the car, mumbles, as I approach the car with bags of bakery goods from my morning stint at the pantry,
“All mother-f-ing crooks down there.”

The Duck snarls, “Shut up stupid a-hole. She works there but you don’t have to talk to her that way,” then flashes another charming grin my way.

That sets off the Grub even more. “You can’t tell me there’s any g-damned reason why one person gets as much food as a family of five. Bastards just gotta screw anybody any way they can. Should be fair-everybody gets something or nobody gets nothing-ain’t nothing ever f-ing fair around here.”

I make a mistake, a really big mistake and try to reason, attempt to explain, “Listen, you know we’re volunteers doing the best we can to get food to people who need it. There’s no way we can break the food down and distribute it on an individual basis…”

The rant turns instantly to full-volume rage as Grub sets out to educate me and set my mother f-ing stupid head straight. “It’s f-ing easy. Any stupid a-hole can rip open a package of hotdogs; put one in the bag for the family of one, and five in the bag for the family of five.”

As Grub’s tirade went on longer than that, his language more colorful than that,
I stared at the dirt encrusted, nail bitten hands choking the steering wheel glad they couldn’t reach me, and focused on listening. Not much else I could do.

When he took a break, without thinking, I yelled right back at him. “Knock it off Grub…I’m not here to listen to you scream at me. Take it somewhere else.”

Then I turned to slowly walk away, breathing deeply, listening for any sound to indicate the car door might open behind me. Not much else I could do.

Nothing but silence followed as I forced myself to walk slowly, softly-without any big stick, but momentarily wishing I had one- to my place. A long walk across a short distance.

“Thank You God,” I said, humbly and with even more gratitude than usual, as I slipped inside, quietly closed and locked the door behind me. Not much else I could do.

Everyone for towns around knows the family. “Sweetest kids you’d ever want to meet, they were. Nice manners, too” they’ll all tell you. “The Mom quiet as a mouse she was. The Dad always drunk and yelling but hell you can’t blame the kids for that. Kept to themselves mostly. But the kids… the kids just as sweet as could be. And that one…he was always smiling, always so helpful, always looking after the other kids. Still is, I hear.”

And that’s so true. The Duck is always smiling, always helpful, always the nicest guy you’d ever want to meet. Except, of course, when he isn’t. Which is usually when he’s drunk but sometimes just when he’s had enough and doesn’t care to put on the show anymore.

And there’s the kids. The newest batch of them… sweetest kids you’ll ever meet. Which, of course, is why they were here. The neighbor, knowing they hadn’t come to the pantry this morning, knowing the kids would be thrilled to get the sweet treats, called them to come get the bakery goods along with other goods we scrounged together for them.

It really was crazy at the pantry this morning. We had enough ooey-gooey finger-licking baked goods and boxes of giant frosted sugar bakery cookies to bury the town in, or at least give it a sugar high for a week. Wondered why? Maybe it’s the recession? People not buying like they did, but supermarkets not adjusting to the new reality so having inordinate amounts of baked goods to waste or donate?

Whatever the reason, makes no difference- it was crazy this morning…no other word for it. Everyone received two full bags of the donuts-four boxes of the giant cookies-and a cake or other large bakery item…every household that is…no matter whether one member or five. No doubt Grub would have wanted us to divide them more equitably-make sure every one got his or her fair share, instead of making some call around town looking for those who didn’t get any to come take them off their hands.

Crazy-all crazy- as ignoring abused and neglected kids and not knowing the shadow cast over them lasts a lifetime, is crazy. Crazy –all crazy- as crazy as acting like those little ones so often smelling of urine and feces, with dirt encrusted nail-bitten, finger chewed hands, dried mucus smeared across smiling up-turned trusting faces, lots of dull matted hair but little shining hope will somehow grow up and see a world as ever fair? A world where everyone gets his or her fair share? And no one ever has no other choice than just to grin and do whatever it takes to bear the pain.

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

For Some, Every Day is Father's Day: Love Among the Ruins of Child Abuse

2009-06-21T08:39:00.006-04:00

What silences we keep year after year

With those who are most near to us

And dear...

...Who knows the thoughts of a child?

Nora Perry

I'm wondering...what you are wondering about those who celebrate fathers and love.

In my neighborhood there are two little girls excited to celebrate Father’s Day. They chatter happily about the cards and gifts and special day they will have for him. No matter that their father screams, beats, neglects and curses them even as he threatens to kill anyone who tries to take them away from him. No matter that they crouch and cringe in fear when they aren’t running down the street yelling with joy, “Daddy’s home…Daddy’s home.”

No matter...for when he reaches for them their little faces crack like thin ice…fear splashes like cold water upon the warm flush of their hopeful faces as they struggle to read the signs with which they are so familiar. Will there be tussling bear hugs, sloppy kisses and affectionate tickles…or will his strong arm yank one close, big hand gripping hair as the other slaps the tiny upturned face. They know what goes on behind closed doors. He knows. Mother knows. Neighbors, teachers, doctors know.

The closed CPS records indicate “conflicted emotions” visible in children’s behaviors when father present, but no evidence of substantiated abuse exists. No matter…he is their father and they love him as only children can love a father.

Every day is father’s day in a home with an abusive father. Even now, 30 years after my own abusive father died, every day remains father’s day for not a day passes that something does not remind me of him. I’ve done the work, learned to forgive, to accept, to heal and to move on, but there is no forgetting. The shadows of abuse last a lifetime. The love and the hate that mingled in my child mind, as it mingles now in theirs, mingles still and always will, in the shadows at the back of my mind.

Ask me to reminisce about my father and I will tell you about a poor man who married his high school sweetheart, who proudly served his country in the Army Air Corp when I was born in 1943, who worked two menial jobs all his life, who cried as he waited to die for fear he’d lose the shack we called home, built with nails we helped pound straight enough to reuse on boards salvaged from a burned out torn down hotel, who taught us to ride bikes he built from rusty scraps, catch crabs to eat with nothing but a oft mended pole net and chicken wing on a knotted string, safely body surf in the ocean because there was no money to buy the canvas floats the other kids in town used. I will tell you of the fun of cooking hot dogs and melting marshmallows on a stick over the fire kettle in which we roasted aluminum foil wrapped potatoes buried in the coals as we burned the trash that didn’t go into the garbage pit. I will recall summers of laughing and running with him, catching fireflies in empty mayonnaise jars on summer nights too hot to sleep, pitching horseshoes around the railroad stake, playing badminton over the clothes line. In winter there were snowball fights, giant snowmen, and being pulled across town on a rickety sled held together with fraying rope to buy groceries at the little store that extended credit before credit cards became a way of life. There were hard times. There were good times. And I remember them all.

I remember the cursing, the screaming, and the ugly swollen red face as he swung the webbed Army belt he beat us with; the blunt force of the steel toed boots when he knocked us to the ground then kicked us around, the sharp sting of his hand across my face for any reason or none. I remember the hunger of the times with no food in the house for us but beer and pizza for them and their drunken friends after the bars closed. In the mornings my brothers and I picked cigarette butts ground in those pizza crusts so we could eat them on our way to school. There were times after walking home at lunchtime to find them still asleep and nothing to eat, we later returned after school even more hungry to find and fight over cold pork chop and steak bones left over from the meal they had eaten before they both left for work I remember too the cold…the god awful cold of the unheated shack in NJ winters, ice cold showers because we had no hot water heater, putting feet into frozen shoes in the morning.
All these things and more I remember that I wish I could forget. The sexual molestation of me and my friends by him and his friends. The horror of the time when a neighbor girl was raped and beaten so badly that although her body healed her mind never did, and the worst horror for me of thinking it was probably done by my father.

And always there was the mixture of love and hate, never to be resolved.

Even after wanting him to be the loving grandfather to my children, but having to grab him and threaten to kill him if he ever again laid a hand on my girls, even after I was married, after my mother died, and he grabbed me and forced me down on the bed, shoving his tongue in my mouth before I found the strength to fight him off as I’d never been able as a child…

...even then I got up, brushed myself off, and went on loving him. Went on loving him so that when word came that he had incurable cancer, I left my family to come and take care of him for the ten weeks of that dying.

And even then...and even then... I cried when he finally died.

And even now...and even now... every day I remember him, and sometimes still I cry.

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Voices Speak Out for Iranians Yearning to be Free: Same Voices for Victims of Child Abuse Remain Silent

2009-06-20T02:23:00.007-04:00

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?
Today I watched with mixed emotions as members of congress stood, one after another, in a true spirit of bipartisan representation, to speak out for the people of Iran. The prose was eloquent on behalf of the human rights of people there “yearning to be free from oppression and violence.” The rhetoric was emotional and forceful as they insisted they stand for all Americans who stand for any who “yearn for a voice and a better future.”

“The world is watching-the world is inspired” cried one with the fervor of the devout. “Even though this is an internal matter we should not be silent-we should send the message that we are with the people,” insisted another. Americans, people of “character, compassion and commitment,” always “condemn violence and suppression.” We stand for “universal values.” We must not be silent in the presence of ruthless, oppressive, dangerous dictators and their puppets who “stand by silent and confused” in the face of their shameful actions. On and on their voices droned, until the allotted time for speeches was entirely exhausted.

My sadness increased as their impassioned speeches continued because even though I was glad for them to speak on behalf of the Iranian people, I remembered another day recently when I watched in abject horror as a resolution was brought forward and no one but the two representatives of the parties spoke at all. Even they spoke briefly, and then, because there were no other speakers, they returned the rest of the allotted 20 minutes.

That day there were not any eloquent speeches about human rights, nothing about watching worlds being inspired to speak out to protect millions of victims of violence, oppression and suppression, no condemnation of the millions of internal matters - the ruthless in-home dictators and silent confused puppets standing silent and confused in the face of epidemic levels of abuse and neglect of children in the United States of America.

No, on that day when the House Resolution to declare April, National Child Abuse Prevention Awareness month, only two of the 400+ members of the House of Representatives spoke at all. Where were they then, those representatives who could have raised their impassioned voices to Heaven with soaring rhetoric and utter determination on behalf of the 4-5 children tortured and killed daily in their own homes, the hundreds of thousands permanently disabled each year by abuse and neglect, the millions of victims reported and many more millions not reported?

When indeed will they end their silence and send the message that children are humans with certain inalienable rights, too? When will they stand for the children yearning for a voice and a better future? When will we be watching and inspired enough to really do something about child abuse?
..................................................................................................................................................................
http://www.mikepence.house.gov/index.php?option=com_content&task=view&id=3524&Itemid=71
Pence Introduces Iran Resolution

http://www.mikepence.house.gov/images/stories/hres549.pdf
House Resolution
Expressing support for all Iranian citizens who struggle for
freedom, human rights, civil liberties, and the protection
of the rule of law.

http://www.thomas.gov/cgi-bin/query/D?c111:2:./temp/~c111fH6z6C::
HR337 National Child Abuse Prevention Month

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Survival of the Fittest is About Preservation- Child Abuse is Not

2009-06-17T14:38:00.008-04:00

I have called this principal,

By which each slight variation,

If useful, is preserved,

By the term Natural Selection.

Charles Darwin

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?

I'm wondering about abused and neglected children I've known. How are they? Did they make it to a safe place in life? What has become of them? About some, I know. About others I will probably never know. This much I know...sometimes I was there, like a shadow, protecting them for a little while in their journey.

And they still come like never ending streams flowing to the sea…and remind me of the pictures of the baby turtles fighting their way to the sea against all odds…no help…just each one for him or her self...alone among the masses. Most will not make it. Nature doesn’t seem to care. If enough are born, then enough will survive and carry on. Nature, it seems, asks no more.

This morning one comes through the cold rain, not yet awake, shivering, dressed inappropriately no doubt in clothes she slept in. The calendar says summer and so Sissy (9 going on 3) has dressed her self in summer clothes. She’s carrying a chicken patty that she eats like a starving person. I caution her to slow down so she doesn’t choke. Among other things she struggles with seizures. Soon her younger sister appears. Also cold, and she, too, is hungry. Since 11 of her abscessed teeth were recently surgically removed Boots (age 8) can’t eat much...certainly not frozen chicken patties. I cook her favorite…scrambled eggs…and give them both 100% juice.

They chatter about how cute the new baby down the block is. I met her several days ago…mottled with cold. She’s the first of this never-to-be wedded teen mother. Her neighbor, not yet 21 has 4 now. Thank you God! I thought when I learn she had her tubes tied with the latest one.

A young friend spent some time with me yesterday. Now nearly grown…at an age when I dread hearing from her, the words “I have something to tell you,” but not yet old enough to know the consequences of her choices says, “Guess what? My Mom wants to have another baby.”
I cringe and swallow. “OMG” I say…then ask “Why, Kats? Since she doesn’t take care of the rest of you?”

“Oh, she says she just loves babies soooooooo much…and can’t stand thinking about not having one around.” The youngest comes to mind…nearly 4, about to start Head Start, still nursing… few words to speak, but dark haunted eyes tell it all. Kats seems almost used to the nightly violence in their home, the visits by the police. Still, she tells me how she cries…not for herself, she reminds me, but for the little ones who can’t stop crying in their fear.

After school intervened over concerns about the possibility of suicide, Kats (14, abused, neglected and victim of sexual molestation by family members) received some therapy, but she no longer goes. ”Because,” she tells me, “Dad complained about the cost of gas, and Mom said it’s too much trouble to take me since she has to drag the ‘baby’ along.” “And you Kats,” I ask? “How are you doing, babe?”

“I’m fine,” Kats says, “You know I’m always fine.”

Now, with so little left to give, I give them all I can, these precious children that seek out those of us who do what we can, like the tiny abandoned turtles seek the sea. We, who can, offer some little bit of sanctuary from the violence, the weather, the fear that is their constant companion. We, who can, provide food from our own food-pantry-stocked pantries against the rules that say we cannot share. We scrounge clothes from free clothing pantries for who can afford thrift stores anymore now that those who had enough no longer do so and shop there? With increased business the prices have been raised beyond what we can pay. We give the children encouragement that sometimes seems like hollow lies even as we offer it. “Hang on babe-things will get better.” Really? Well, they need hope at least, don’t they?

Oh… and did I mention Love? We give them love along with everything else, and when there is nothing else? We give them Love.

Not much else we can do really when their needs are so great, but we help as we can. It isn’t the “Help” that comes from broken systems with assorted initials…CPS, DYS, DYFS, et al. It doesn’t matter what they are called from place to place around the world, they are underfunded, understaffed, swamped by paperwork, and, sadly, more and more moneys meant for the children are ripped off the top by privatization that takes much for the pockets of investors and gives little to those for whom it is intended... if it ever really is.

The children struggling to survive and grow are luckier than the baby turtles struggling to reach the sea, I suppose. Although even many of those defenseless young manage to reach the sea burdened by physical deformities and go on living with who knows what perspective on life? Who knows what becomes of them once out of sight? Who knows what becomes of these little children so out of sight?

And the ones who survive? In the US every day four or five or uncounted more abused and neglected children don’t survive. Of the millions abused each year, the ones who survive bring record crime, fill the profit-making prisons, and cost billions in direct and indirect costs.
Oh…and like the lost little turtles, they, too, the lost little children eventually go on to reproduce as Nature intends.

When Sissy and Boots leave I spend the rest of my time on the computer trying to wake up the people who do not see the way so many children live in this country where so many have so much more than anyone needs, but block every attempt to do more for these children who need so much just to survive lives that most cannot… or will not… even imagine.

Too much of the time lately, I wonder, why bother? There are so many and so little of me. What can one person do? But then they come through cold rains in summer, through icy winds in winter… and I remember.

So as I am writing, Sissy and Boots return to share with me some things given to them by the system yesterday at a Children’s Fair… colorful brochures about children’s health and safety… and such…given to the parents who can’t read, cheap lead laced trinkets given without regard to the health of the little children receiving them who will most certainly have them in their mouths, chewing and eating bits and pieces.

One slick and colorful brochure is about internet safety. I think about Pacer when she was 9, telling me how horrified she was to go on her Dad’s computer, typing in her sister’s name and seeing a “movie of lots of naked men doing nasty things to one girl.” These children live the stuff others write about.

A friend says… of don’t be so hard…they mean well…everyone is doing the best they know how. And I agree- most of them are, do care, do make as much difference as they can in whatever way they are able. I’ve known the teachers with food hidden in the bottom drawer, buying school supplies out of there salaries. I’ve known the social workers who cry for the children they see the system return to parents who may make the headlines in another week. I’ve seen the pain in the eyes of the police officers who have to walk away because he says, she says and if the children say anything, it’s a lie told in fear or to protect the only family they have.
So am I too hard to hope for more? Or maybe just too tired not to? Like the little turtle who struggles on, I cannot give up as long as the children don’t.

“Will we go for a walk today,” the children want to know. “Of course,” I say. What else can I do?
And you?

......................................................................................................................
And they came again. I see that Sissy has been crying hard. I ask. Daddy punched me in the stomach. Boots gives her the look...the one that says "SH... don't tell!" I check her stomach...no sign of injury. Hopefully, there is none unseen. Why not call the police? They may or may not bother to come to their house...too many times already. And CPS? Opens and closes files on them like a revolving door. Not nearly enough funding to cover the need. These children are on their own.

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Celebrating Child Abuse Survivors: Veterans of Wars on the Home Front

2009-05-27T15:55:00.026-04:00

Heroes take journeys,
Confront dragons,
And discover

The treasure of their true selves.
~Carol Lynn Pearson~

Can't help wondering...

what you're wondering about?
I'm wondering about heroes-
who they are and what we choose to honor about them.
In this month of Memorial Day when we stop to honor those who so proudly serve this country at home and abroad, those whose lives are cut short in battles, those permanently wounded in fights, forever scarred by the horrors of war, I am reminded of other victims of another kind that share similar experiences, but for whom we have no holidays during which to acknowledge and honor them.

These veterans, too, fight for survival against incredible odds. Those who survive, too, bear the scars of those battles for a lifetime. As with the soldiers at war, these veterans, too, pass through stages of grief, stages of recovery and stages of adjustment to living with the outcomes of their experiences. As with the soldiers we honor each May, they will never again be whatever they were or might have been had they not endured their battles.

I speak of the victims of child abuse, the survivors of child abuse, the veterans of child abuse. I speak of those unsung heroes who even while being victimized themselves often fought fearlessly for the health and safety of those around them. Many survive physical, emotional, and psychological wounds that none who have not walked in their shoes will ever understand. And I speak of the wounded warriors who carry on forevermore, selflessly giving of whatever remains that will be of benefit to others.

Like the veterans of foreign wars, veterans of home front wars may suffer from “anxiety, conduct disorder…aggression, depression, increased risk for suicide, high-risk sexual behavior, interpersonal problems, poor physical health, posttraumatic stress disorder, risky health behaviors, substance abuse, and …violence.” They may struggle with medical, economic, legal, consequences. Prevention, identification and intervention of escalating problems resulting from their experiences may be inadequate or unavailable.

As with the veterans of foreign wars, many of these veterans of home front wars suffer their visceral pains in silence, unable to speak of shameful acts committed against them, or shameful acts they committed as a result of events we can barely imagine and prefer to ignore. Help may be unavailable, or shame may prevent some from seeking it. The safety, stability and nurturance so necessary for healing may be lacking in their lives.

As a result of their painful experiences many child abuse survivors, like returning wounded warriors of foreign wars, will be at risk of perpetrating violence on others. Given a “complex interplay between individual, relationship, community, and societal factors”at least one third of them will do so without outside intervention and protection against becoming perpetrators of violence they abhor to the depths and breadth of their wounded souls.

As we recognize the changed behaviors of the veterans of foreign wars resulting from their battle injuries, and honor them by providing necessary treatment and supports, while not condoning, but holding them responsible for their action, so it is time we become aware of this other side of child abuse and honor those survivors in much the same ways.

By doing so we do two very important things. First we stop blaming the victims of child abuse for the results of the damage inflicted upon them. Second, because violence begets violence, and child abuse begets more of the same, we increase the odds of less child abuse in the future. And that, I believe, is a goal we can all agree is one worth fighting for.

So, this May, while taking time to honor those military casualties and veterans of foreign wars, let’s take a moment to remember those who died in home front wars and to honor those who survived. Let’s, too, salute and celebrate those battle-scarred veterans of all wars who continue on in their own personal battles against the ravages of violence they never asked for and certainly didn’t deserve – worthy victims, combatants, survivors, heroes, wounded warriors, conquerors and exemplars all.
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Today is the Blog Carnival Against Child Abuse. Be sure to check Thriver's list of other great blogs submitted: http://survivorscanthrive.blogspot.com/2009/05/remembering-veteran-survivors.html

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A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Be a Voice for Taylor and Other Children Abused by the System

2009-05-18T13:07:00.007-04:00

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about? I'm wondering what it takes to have someone listen... really listen... and stop playing games where only children pay the price?

For more about Taylor's story:
http://taylorspetition.blogspot.com/

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Wudda, cudda, shudda, pulled-from-odd-places stuff - or Facts and Accurate Information about Child Maltreatment?

2009-05-05T09:54:00.014-04:00

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?

I'm wondering how much progress we can reasonably expect to see in reduction of child abuse when there is so much ignorance about it by so many who really need to know the truth? I.E. those primary caregivers statistically most likely to inflict abuse on the children in their care.

In spite of so many dedicated and concerned people attempting to share information- facts, informed opinions, and shared experiences through every available medium in sincere efforts to make a positive difference for children- there is still an abundance of shudda, wudda, cudda made-up off-the-cuff and pulled-from-u-no-where stuff about child abuse in such abundant supply that it is not surprising how many myths, misconceptions, misunderstandings, deceptions and outright lies surface about child abuse. Sadly they are the loudest and most voracious...their vitriolic noise often drowns out more reasonable voices in attempts to open discussions about child abuse in open forums.

So... today, for a change, I am pasting a lot of words from another source to make accessing them easier. The CDC definitions offered here seem specific, clear, concise and understandable to anyone. Unlike the federal and state definitions they don't allow a lot of room for playing verbal games.

The following is from : http://www.cdc.gov/ncipc/dvp/CM_Surveillance.pdf For readability I put headings in bold but all else is as in the CDC document which can be downloaded at the URL.

For the purposes of this document the following are irrelevant to determining whether child maltreatment has occurred:
• Caregiver’s intent to harm the child.
• Caregiver’s legal liability for the maltreatment.
• Caregiver’s economic means.
• Caregiver’s religious or cultural norms.
For the purposes of this document and based on the general child maltreatment literature, a child is defined as anyone younger than 18 years of age—regardless of state

Physical Abuse
Physical abuse is defined as the intentional use of physical force against a child that results in, or has the potential to result in, physical injury.
Physical abuse includes physical acts ranging from those which do not leave a physical mark on the child to physical acts which cause permanent disability, disfigurement, or death (Barnett, Manly, and Cicchetti 1993). Physical abuse can result from discipline or physical punishment (ACF 2002).
Physical acts can include hitting, kicking, punching, beating, stabbing, biting, pushing, shoving, throwing, pulling, dragging, dropping, shaking, strangling/choking, smothering, burning, scalding, and poisoning.

Exceptions
Physical injuries to the anal or genital area or surrounding areas (e.g., anal or genital bruising or tearing; internal injuries resulting from penetration by a penis, hand, finger, or other object) that occur during attempted or completed sexual abuse, or other physical injuries that result from attempted or completed sexual abuse (e.g., bruises due to restraint, hitting, pushing) are considered sexual abuse and do not constitute physical abuse.

Sexual Abuse
Any completed or attempted (non-completed) sexual act, sexual contact with, or exploitation (i.e., noncontact sexual interaction) of a child by a caregiver.

Sexual Act
Sexual acts include contact involving penetration, however slight, between the mouth, penis, vulva, or anus of the child and another individual. Sexual acts also include penetration, however slight, of the anal or genital opening by a hand, finger, or other object (Basile and Saltzman 2002).
Genital on genital contact includes:
• Penis to vulva
• Penis to anus
• Penis to penis
Mouth on genital contact includes:
• Mouth to penis
• Mouth to anus
• Mouth to vulvalaw stating otherwise. Users of this document may choose a lower or higher age threshold based on the legal definition of minor in their jurisdiction.
Sexual acts can be performed by the caregiver on the child or by the child on the caregiver. A caregiver can also force or coerce a child to commit a sexual act on another individual (child or adult).

Abusive Sexual Contact
Abusive sexual contact includes intentional touching, either directly or through the clothing, of the following:
• Genitalia (penis or vulva)
• Anus
• Groin
• Breast
• Inner thigh
• Buttocks
Abusive sexual contact does not involve penetration of any of the above.
Abusive sexual contact can be performed by the caregiver on the child or by the child on the caregiver. Abusive sexual contact can also occur between the child and another individual (adult or child) through force or coercion by a caregiver. Abusive sexual contact does not include touching required for the normal care or attention to the child’s daily needs.

Noncontact Sexual Abuse
Noncontact sexual abuse does not include physical contact of a sexual nature between the caregiver and the child.
Noncontact sexual abuse can include the following:
1. Acts which expose a child to sexual activity (e.g., pornography; voyeurism of the child by an
adult; intentional exposure of a child to exhibitionism);
2. Filming10 of a child in a sexual manner (e.g., depiction, either photographic or cinematic, of a child in a sexual act);
3. Sexual harassment of a child (e.g., quid pro quo; creating a hostile environment because of comments or attention of a sexual nature by a caregiver to a child);
4. Prostitution of a child (e.g., employing, using, persuading, inducing, enticing, encouraging, allowing, or permitting a child to engage in or assist any other person to engage in,
prostitution11, or sexual trafficking. Sexual trafficking is defined as the act of transporting children across international borders through deception for forced sexual activity such as
prostitution or sexual slavery (Miller and Jayasundara 2001).

Psychological Abuse
Intentional caregiver behavior (i.e., act of commission) that conveys to a child that he/she is worthless, flawed, unloved, unwanted, endangered, or valued only in meeting another’s needs12. Psychological abuse can be continual (e.g., chronic and pervasive) or episodic (e.g., triggered by a specific context or situation: caregiver substance use/abuse) (Kairys and Johnson 2002).
Psychologically abusive behaviors may include blaming, belittling, degrading, intimidating, terrorizing, isolating, restraining, confining, corrupting, exploiting, spurning, or otherwise behaving in a manner that is harmful, potentially harmful, or insensitive to the child’s developmental needs, or can potentially damage the child psychologically or emotionally (Barnett, Manly, and Cicchetti 1991; McGee and
Wolfe 1991a, b).
Terrorizing
Terrorizing includes caregiver behavior that is life-threatening; makes a child feel unsafe (e.g., situations that are likely to physically hurt, kill, or abandon the child) (Myers et al. 2002); sets unrealistic expectations of the child with threat of loss, harm, or danger if expectations are not met; and threatens or perpetrates violence against a child or a child’s loved ones or objects (including toys, pets, or other possessions) (Kairys and Johnson 2002). For example, placing a child in unpredictable or chaotic circumstances would be considered terrorizing as would be placing a child in a situation reasonably considered dangerous by either the child or another adult.
Isolating
Psychological isolation occurs when a caregiver forbids, prevents, or minimizes a child’s contact with others.

DEFINITIONS OF ACTS OF OMISSION
(CHILD NEGLECT)
Failure to Provide (Barnett, Manly, and Cicchetti 1993)
Failure by a caregiver to meet a child’s basic physical, emotional, medical/dental, or educational needs—or combination thereof. Failure to provide includes the following:

Physical Neglect
Caregiver fails to provide adequate nutrition, hygiene, or shelter; or, caregiver fails to provide clothing that is adequately clean, appropriate size, or adequate for the weather. Several examples follow (Barnett, Manly, and Cicchetti 1993):
• Nutrition: A 9-year-old child makes dinner several times per week because the caregiver(s) are sleeping, away, or otherwise unavailable; a child misses or is denied meals on numerous occasions over time; a child is diagnosed as being severely malnourished.
• Hygiene: Child is dirty, smells bad, or has unwashed hair. Child’s living situation is unsanitary; dirty dishes and spoiled food are left on the kitchen table and counter.
• Shelter: Living arrangements for the child and family are unstable for two weeks or more; the residence is infested with roaches or vermin; residence in unheated or inadequately heated because caregivers have failed to ensure heat available.
• Clothing: The child always wears clothing that is too small; the child is not given a warm coat and gloves when the weather is cold.

Emotional Neglect
Caregiver ignores the child, or denies emotional responsiveness or adequate access to mental health care (e.g., caregiver does not respond to infant cries or older child’s attempt to interact) (Barnett, Manly, and Cicchetti 1993).

Medical/Dental Neglect
Caregiver fails to provide adequate access to medical, vision, or dental care for the child. Examples include the following:
• Caregiver does not administer prescribed medications;
• Caregiver refuses to take the child for needed medical attention or seek timely medical attention (Barnett, Manly, and Cicchetti 1993).

Educational Neglect
Caregiver fails to provide access to adequate education. Examples include:
• Caregiver allows child to miss 25 or more school days in one academic year without excuse;
• Caregiver does not enroll the child in school; caregiver encourages a child (under 16 years of age) to drop out of school (Barnett, Manly, and Cicchetti 1993). 18

Failure to Supervise
Failure by the caregiver to ensure a child’s safety within and outside the home given the child’s emotional and developmental needs (Barnett, Manly, and Cicchetti 1993).

Inadequate Supervision
Failure by the caregiver to ensure that the child engages in safe activities and uses appropriate safety devices; to ensure that the child is not exposed to unnecessary hazards; or to ensure appropriate supervision by an adequate substitute caregiver (Barnett, Manly, and Cicchetti 1993).

Inadequate supervision (sometimescalled “supervisional neglect ”) includes occasions when a caregiver knowingly fails to protect a child from maltreatment perpetrated by a substitute caregiver. Under such conditions, the primary caregiver’s behavior would be considered neglectful only if the maltreatment was recognized and allowed to occur. Regardless of the primary caregiver’s knowledge of the maltreatment, the substitute caregiver’s behavior would be considered maltreatment.

Exposure to Violent Environments
Caregiver intentionally13 fails to take available measures to protect the child from pervasive violence within the home, neighborhood, or community (Kairys and Johnson 2002). For example, a caregiver who sells illicit drugs out of the child’s home exposes the child to a violent environment; or, a school bus driver (temporary caregiver) who allows a student to be routinely victimized by another student while riding the bus without taking steps to intervene (e.g., notifying school administrators) also exposes a child to a violent environment.

Exposure of a child to violence between caregivers in the home may also qualify as exposure to a violent environment, particularly if the caregivers do not take available measures to protect the child from exposure. But, in instances where the caregiver is being victimized by a partner, and alternatives to protect the child are not available, or the caregiver is unaware of alternatives, the caregiver is not maltreating the child.
13
CO-OCCURRENCE OF MULTIPLE
TYPES OF ABUSE AND NEGLECT14
Multiple forms of maltreatment often coexist, as described in these examples:
• Police find a 20-month-old child with bruises on extremities, cigarette burns to the forehead and upper chest, and signs of dehydration. The child was at home with the male caregiver who was high on opium. In this instance, physical abuse, failure to provide (adequate nutrition), failure to protect
(caregiver is under the influence of drugs and unable to care for the child), and psychological abuse have occurred.
• Paramedics find a two-and-a-half-year-old child. The undressed child was walking outside in the winter and had belt-patterned bruises on the legs and trunk. The child also had ethyl alcohol in his blood system. In this example, physical abuse, failure to provide (adequate clothing), and failure to protect (unaccompanied child) have occurred.
• Upon reading a school report card, the caregiver/parent slaps the child’s face, withholds food, and berates the child’s ability until “better marks” are produced. In this scenario, physical abuse, failure to provide, and psychological abuse have occurred.

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Baby it's cold outside...so why are you in shorts and tee-shirt?

2009-05-03T14:08:00.012-04:00

Cannot the heart in the midst of crowds

Feel frightfully alone?

Charles Lamb

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?

I'm wondering about common neglect of those too young to take care of even their most basic needs. I'm wondering about where we draw the line and call any such neglect child abuse? Outdoors this morning, it was raining and 45 degrees. Inside the store was cold, too, for some reason. The toddler girl, hunched in the basket seat, visibly shivered in her shorts and tee-shirt. She hugged herself and cried piteously. Her little arms were mottled blue as though she’d been cold a while. Nearby, Daddy read a package, and ignored her.

“Ah, baby is cold, Daddy,” I said, while smiling at the little girl. He didn’t even look at her, just said “Nah, she’s tired. That’s all.”
“Ah, cold and tired baby… not a happy way to be is it sweetie? Well hopefully Daddy will hurry and get you dressed warm and let you sleep soon.”
She looked at me with big tear filled eyes. When I reached the end of the aisle and looked back, Dad was still reading labels. The little girl still looked at me.

I wanted to wrap her in my jacket, hold her close to warm her little body, but knew that would not help the situation and might only cause her trouble for crying and attracting attention to her plight. I could only hope he would finish his shopping soon, put her safely in her car seat, turn the heater on, and once home, dress her appropriately. Hope. So little to offer. So little to do. So sad to know how many millions are faring no better.

Was he a mean, uncaring, blatantly overtly chronically neglectful Daddy? Not necessarily. Possibly, and hopefully, he was just a situationally self-centered neglectfully unaware Daddy. But in either case, an obviously suffering child was being ignored by the one person who could do something for her. Her basic physical and emotional needs were clearly not being met. The fact that she was not howling her distress and demanding his attention is not a good sign. She showed no expectation of help as is frequently the case with neglected children. They learn early that no one listens, no one cares.
The following is from American Humane...one of my favorite child protection organizations.
http://www.americanhumane.org/protecting-children/programs/chronic-neglect/
“Chronic Neglect
Chronic neglect of children is one of the most persistent and intractable challenges facing the nation’s child welfare system. The term “chronic neglect” refers to an enduring pattern in which a child’s basic physical, developmental and/or socio-emotional needs are repeatedly unmet by the child’s parent or caregiver. Research indicates that chronic neglect is manifested in different ways (e.g., physical, emotional, medical, educational) at different times; that is, children experience various omissions of their basic needs over an extended period of time. Research and day-to-day child welfare practice suggest that traditional short-term or incident-based services are not effective interventions for these families. Moreover, there is limited focus on prevention for the children and caregivers impacted by chronic neglect. Yet children who are repeatedly deprived of fundamental needs can experience serious consequences, including delays in neurobiological development, physical and mental illness, cognitive and educational deficiencies, and socio-emotional and behavioral challenges.”

http://www.americanhumane.org/assets/docs/protecting-children/PC-chronic-families-chronic-neglect.pdf
http://www.americanhumane.org/assets/docs/protecting-children/PC-chronic-neglect-2008.pdf

In the story at this link, neglect is obvious...and yet there are those who will make excuses for it happening, too.

http://www.fox61.com/pages/landing/?Plainfield-Police-Find-Toddler-Outside-I=1&blockID=232173&feedID=341

Perhaps making excuses for any of it needs to stop and more training and accountability needs to be expected of those who have children?
A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Street Children: Not Made in USA Only

2009-04-19T21:45:00.005-04:00

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?

Allen Clelland-Goddard from Trinidad and Tobaggo looks like an angel, sings like one too...but his message is anything besides sweet and childlike.

Street children worldwide grow in numbers daily. The current economic crisis is bound to escalate an already horrible global crisis for children everywhere.

Just because they have always been a part of civilization is no excuse to continue to ignore their plight. Look around where you live...how many do you see?

Now the real question is: How many are there in your town that you don't see?

And the next question is: What will you do to make a difference for them?

If not you...then who...if not now, then when?

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Run and Rally to Stop Child Sexual Abuse: Change is Possible

2009-04-19T08:44:00.013-04:00

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?

People can change...people do change.

We don't have to continue to abuse or facilitate the abuse of our children by our choices and denials.

But the first step towards change is acknowledging the problem exists and is serious almost beyond belief.

When the person most likely to be sexually abused is a 4 year old child in his or her home, it is way past time to wake up and stop the abuse.

Listen to the alarm. The wake-up call could be in your own home.

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

I Call That Love...or is it Child Abuse?

2009-04-04T18:51:00.006-04:00

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?

During this month of Child Abuse Prevention Awareness I wonder even more than usual about child abuse.

Today, I'm wondering about Love and Child Abuse...

They call it love… and they mean it.

They call it love when the child is sick and they take him to the emergency room, and then go with him to Wal-Mart to shop while the prescription is being filled.

They call it love when the medication sits untaken because the child doesn’t like to take medicine and they don’t want to make him take it.

They call it love when they add sugar to the baby food to make it taste better.

They call it love when they let the child stay up at night until she wants to go to bed or falls asleep in front of the TV.

They call it love when they wash the child’s mouth with soap for having a trash mouth, using words the child learned from them and their friends.

They call it love when they slap a child in the face for saying no, no matter what the circumstances…because a child needs to learn to respect his parents.

They call it love when they spank a toddler to teach her to not touch hot things…sharp things…dangerous things…for her own good.

They call it love when they use a belt on a child to teach him not to lie to them because lying is bad ….and heaven help the child who says, well how come it’s not bad when you lie. Then they call it love when they knock the child to the ground to teach her not to use a fresh mouth with them.

They call it love when they burn a child with a lit cigarette or match to teach him not to touch hot things.

They call it love when they bite a child to teach her that it is wrong to bite. They call it love when they punish a child by sending him to bed without supper…. for begging for food from the neighbors and embarrassing them.

They call it love when they teach her no manners because it is such a drag to keep nagging and who cares anyway because nobody likes anyone who goes around putting on airs.

They call it love when they let children spend days and nights in the same clothes… because they are favorites.

They call it love when the child eats nothing but chicken nuggets for months because that is what he likes.

They call it love when they don’t make a child do homework because they hated school, too.

They call it love when they blame the teacher for not teaching, the neighbor for not understanding, the relative for just being jealous of their kids special qualities and making a fuss about little things…cause kids will be kids, boys will be boys…

They call it love when there are no rules, no expectations, nor requirements….because they hated it when adults were always bossing them around when they were kids so they sure as hell aren’t going to do it to their kids.

They call it love when they don’t make a kid brush his teeth because he doesn’t want to, don’t take him to a dentist because he doesn’t want to go, and they call it interference when a school nurse reports that the child has a mouth full of abscessed teeth.But they call it love when they go to have the 11 teeth surgically removed even though it's silly to have baby teeth removed.

They call it love when they take the children to the bars while they drink because only bad parents leave their children home alone while they go out drinking… or they call it love when they leave the children home alone while they go drinking because bars are no place for children to be.

And so forth and so on… and always they call it love.

I call it child abuse.

But I believe them when they call it love because those are the only things they’ve ever known.

And so I do all that I can to raise awareness in the hopes that one day one of them will say OMG what am I doing and how can I make a change…so that their children’s lives can end up being a little better…so that their grandchildren can have some greater chance of knowing that love can be something more than what they knew and called love because they never knew any better.
I call that love.

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Waiting for Rainbows: On the Sexual Assault of Children

2009-03-08T00:19:00.033-05:00

Birds Fly Over the Rainbow...

Why - Oh Why - Can't I?

Do you ever wonder or worry about the possible risk to you or your loved ones of being a victim of sexual assault? I suspect if you do, you think more of the risk to a college student than to a pre-school student.
And yet, at this moment, the most likely person to be sexually assaulted is a four year old child in his or her own home.
For most of us, it hurts to think about rape and 4 year olds in the same time and place. We'd rather think of just about anything else. But it's time we do think about it...talk about it...find something we can do about it. Not doing so hurts them more than they are already being hurt. That's a fact. There are other facts that need to be brought into the open about the sexual assault of children before the day can come when children will be safe in the place they should be safest...in their own homes.
Over 67% of all reported sexual assaults are committed against juveniles...children under 18.
One of every 7 reported cases involves a child under 6.
The risk of being the victim of forced sodomy peaks at age 4.
The risk of being sexually assaulted with an object peaks at age 3 & 4.
The risk of forcible fondling, the other high volume sex assault offense along with forcible rape, first peaked at age 4.
Other related statistics contribute to the bigger picture of sexual assaults.
1 in 6 women and 1 in 33 men will be a victim of sexual assault in their lifetime.
Approximately 73% of rape victims know their assailants.
60% of sexual assaults are not reported to the police.
Reporting has increased by 1/3 since 1993.
60% of sexual assaults are not reported to the police.
Reporting has increased by 1/3 since 1993.
But I admit the following fact is one of the most disturbing to me, because it tells us what we don't want to acknowledge.
Only 6% of rapists will ever spend a day in jail.
Sexual Assaults are crimes. They destroy people's lives and yet, apparently, as a culture, we do not consider the crime worth acknowledging...worth punishing...or worth doing much of anything about. We don't protect the children, we don't punish the perpetrators, and we don't do whatever necessary to break the cycle that continues generation after generation. But this message isn't about sending perpetrators to jail... there is no correction or solution to this problem in that option. No, this post isn't about the perpetrators at all. This is about, and for, the children who are victims and the survivors still struggling to escape their silent storms. They deserve to find a rainbow waiting somewhere...a promise for a better tomorrow.
But when?
This isn't new information to me, yet I am as guilty as others about preferring to ignore this crime being committed against children, even as I devote decades to learning about it and other forms of child abuse.
But why?
Do we think it is okayfor children to be sexually assaulted? Do we think if we don't acknowledge this epidemic in our culture it will somehow disappear? Not a week goes by that there isn't a story on the local news about another child being sexually assaulted... last week here, one was a 3 month old baby, and the other a 2 year old toddler girl. Is this area somehow worse than others? Or is this happening in every town across America, on the local news along with the usual lineup of fires and auto accidents and crooked politicians... just another routine bit of news to ignore? Just something that happens in those other families, those other houses, those other lives? None of our business? It is as though there is a flashing red "WARNING! Bystander intervention is actively discouraged" sign everywhere we turn. There is no purpose in pointing fingers and casting blame at systems that fail our children. They are but a reflection of what we as a culture expect of them.
"Ours is a culture that allows sexual assault to flourish," said David Lee, of CALCASA, on a recent broadcast.
Ours is a culture that apparently prefers to "ignore, encourage, deny, condone...and minimize responsibility of people to do anything about it" added John Foubert, of One in Four, on the same show.
Ours as a culture apparently prefers to expect the victims to remain behind closed doors, keeping our shame in their dark places, silently singing of an unlikely escape over a rainbow, while we walk on singing songs of happy little blue birds in the sunshine.
Andrew Vachss relates that "A friend asked me if child abuse was increasing. I said the question he should ask is, "Who cares?" because obviously few do.
But some do...and that's a beginning.
Fortunately more and more have had enough, more and more are speaking out, more and more are determined to create a change.
But who among us wants to tell the children... keep on singing...we'll get there someday...hopefully before you find a way through death or drugs to fly away over that rainbow.
Do you?
An Andrew Vachhs article from 2004, is still worth reading. In it, he asks,
"What are you going to do about child abuse?"
Indeed... what are we going to do about child abuse?
I wonder...
And as I wonder, the young child in the back of my mind remembers. She still sings "why-oh why-can't I," louder, faster and harder, as she did then, hiding in a wood, swinging faster, harder and higher, hoping that going faster, harder, higher while desperately clinging to that knotted rope, somehow, some way, some day, some how she would find the way to fly over the rainbow and escape the sexual abuse of her life.

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

FYI...
Sexual Assault & Domestic Violence Hotline
1-800-494-8100

A Few Reference Links:
http://www.ojp.usdoj.gov/bjs/pub/pdf/saycrle.pdf
http://wwwhauntedhouse-rainbow.blogspot.com/?zx=9c583c76ae9ae99
http://www.vachss.com/av_dispatches/parade_082204.html
http://www.rainn.org/get-information/statistics/sexual-assault-offenders
http://www.rainn.org/statistics
http://www.brown.edu/Student_Services/Health_Services/Health_Education/sexual_assault/saar.htm
http://www.linkedin.com/pub/2/422/29b
http://www.mencanstoprape.org/info-url2699/info-url_show.htm?doc_id=319058
http://www.mystrength.org/

Kids and Peanut Butter: A Sticky Mess in the Making

2009-02-10T15:40:00.023-05:00

...Children accounting for half of the salmonella illnesses...a worldwide recall that now includes pails of peanut butter shipped to schools, military bases and nursing homes...safety issues raised by the outbreak are drawing comparisons to those in China's tainted milk scandal...

Can't help wondering...
what you're wondering about?

Of course I'm wondering about child abuse and neglect.

What single product is more universally connected to children than peanut butter?

And now, because peanut butter paste is a cheap filler... a "low-cost yet tasty additive"... it is used in products from cookies & candies to vegetable & fruit products. So who can eat and still escape consuming it? Not our pets, and certainly not our children.

Sadly, the people who made the decision to ship 32 truck loads to the USDA for use in the Free Lunch Program for poor children certainly knew what they were doing... and chose to subject the children to harm. As long as wink-wink laws and inspections persist without a public outcry and demands for the protection of children from the greed of the market that puts their lives below the bottom line of profits, I call that societal child abuse and neglect.

A friend, who considers me too hard on people anyway, chided me for my concern over this issue. "After all," he said, "there are only 8 deaths and a few hundred illnesses out of more than 300 million who are eating the products every day. So what's the big deal?" [actually 19,000+ illnesses in 43 states]

And a few minutes ago a local newscaster said reassuringly, "as far as food diseases go salmonella is not the worst ... unless you die from it of course.."

Guess that makes it a little problem? Much ado about nothing? No big deal? To me, what should be of most concern, and makes it a really BIG problem, is not how many are known dead or ill from eating peanut butter products as terrible as that is (and how do we really know how many children home with "viruses" may actually be suffering from eating it?) but rather, to me, the public outcry should be about the way the companies and laws conspire against the health and safety of people through default.

Think you aren’t affected by the biggest US food recall ever? If you or loved ones, including your pets, eat cakes, cookies, candy, ice cream, snack bars, pet foods, crackers, snack mixes, fruits and vegetables, dressings and seasonings, prepackaged meals…pet foods… and oh yes… PEANUTS or PEANUT BUTTER… you might want to check out the updated list of 1844 recalled products. And remember recalls are voluntary… don’t assume presence on store shelf means safety.

Check stores...and your food supplies for these products:
http://www.accessdata.fda.gov/scripts/peanutbutterrecall/index.cfm
Or download the list to share with others:
http://www.accessdata.fda.gov/scripts/peanutbutterrecall/PeanutButterProducts2009.xls
Or contact Congress to demand action on real food safety laws:
http://www.visi.com/juan/congress/
AND please sign my petition to Congress:
http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/Make-Our-Food-Safe-To-Eat

Here are a few reminders from the health department:

The public should NOT consume products on the recall list.
The recall list can be found online at: http://www.fda.gov/ or by calling 1-888-463-6332.
If the public find recalled items on the shelves at local stores, please notify the store manager immediately.
Any individual who has consumed a recalled product and has the symptoms of salmonella should contact a health care provider immediately.
Symptoms of salmonella include: headache, diarrhea, nausea, vomiting, abdominal cramps, and fever.
Salmonella can invade the bloodstream and cause life-threatening infections for people with weakened immune systems or other underlying health conditions. Symptoms for those individuals can be more severe

And this story is not over yet...just now on tv news... notice of a second plant... this one in Texas...closed for the same problem.

A Child is Waiting.

Take care...be aware.

Nancy

Invisible inventions...invisible intentions

2009-01-22T13:55:00.013-05:00

“Children are great imitators.

So give them

Something great to imitate.”

– anonymous from: Compassion on our Children

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?

In the news today, this is one os several articles that makes me wonder…
Ottawa boy's invisible invention warns birds about deadly windows

“Eighth grader Charlie Sobcov wants to stop birds from dying in collisions with windows, but he doesn't want to ruin anybody's view.
For his latest school science fair project he has invented painted, plastic decals that can be placed — discreetly — right in the middle of a window pane.”

Now, perhaps you are wondering, what does that have to do with Child Abuse?

For me the connection is obvious and deserves attention on this site...not because Charlie needs it but because other children need to know what is possible for them to do.
Too many children spend their days being denigrated by all forms of abuse and neglect, including verbal abuse by the adults in their lives.

Another article today includes the following information:
Child abuse is reported every 10 seconds in the U.S., according to ChildHelp, a non-profit organization dedicated to helping victims of child abuse and neglect. According to the organization at least four children die each day in the U.S. because of abuse or neglect.(http://www.insidenova.com/isn/news/crime/article/man_charged_in_abuse_of_toddler/28374/) Those numbers refer to reported cases… many say they are no more than the tip of an iceberg threatening to sink the world we’d like to have.

Neither the children nor the adults involved realize that such a process contributes to the other kinds of stories that fill our papers every day…stories of children harming, destroying, killing living things, including their own pets, siblings, parents and children, for no reason other than their own internal rage at having been harmed by abuse and neglect by others.

Today’s news also included this story about LA deciding to use 6 million dollars intended to fight child abuse for food stamps instead. (http://www.latimes.com/news/printedition/california/la-me-childabuse22-2009jan22,0,1555694.story) I’m certainly not against increasing food stamps in a world where hunger is increasing, but why not get that currently paltry sum from some other program, rather than take from one needy group for another whose victims are often the same? To me that is just another form of abuse and neglect… societal and political choices that abuse and neglect vulnerable children are no less evil than parents who do the same.

And finally… one last example of another form of abuse and neglect in the news today, as evidenced in the comments left on the Charlie Sobkov story… http://www.cbc.ca/consumer/story/2009/01/21/ot-090121-bird-decals.html#socialcomments) No doubt there are many who will see my comment as abusive… certainly as negative…and to them I apologize. And yet I feel the need to raise consciousness concerning child abuse and neglect, where I can, when I can...even if it means I shamefacedly resort to that which I abhor in order to make the point. For I do agree with Jane Nelson when she asks:

"Where did we ever get the crazy idea that in order to make children do better, first we have to make them feel worse? Think of the last time you felt humiliated or treated unfairly. Did you feel like cooperating or doing better?"

My experience suggests that adults don't respond any more positively to similar treatment. Children and adults both learn what they live and respond in similar ways. So we need to learn to recognize what may be abusive behaviors we are doing and what behvaiors children and others are imitating. Why am I so emphatic about that? Because I believe what Gandhi said: “If we are to teach real peace in this world, and if we are to carry on a real war against war, we shall have to begin with the children.”

In other words, we have to give the children...and each other...something better to imitate...not more of the same. We do have to become the change we seek.

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Child Abuse Undetected...

2008-10-23T08:15:00.024-04:00

It is no Wonder

That Happiness is the exception...

TTPanto

The Miracle of Life

Can't help wondering...

what you're wondering about?

You know what I'm wondering about...

why child abuse...ever?

And you can probably guess what I'm not wondering about...

I'm not wondering why happiness is the exception for all ages.

How can there be any happiness in a world where the most fragile, the most vulnerable, the least able to defend and protect life are so often left with nothing and no one but themselves to survive and sustain life in the presence of danger?

The answer is obvious to any willing to look...willing to see.

Each moment of every day we make choices. These choices put in motion the patterns for the future. We all become victims of unwise choices. But, unlike the vulnerable among us, who can only listen, we are not LIMITED to choices dictated by others, or by our past choices.

Our choices are ours.

Our choices are many.

We can choose to make changes.
We can decide to do differently.

We can do better today than we did in all our yesterdays.

So...choose creative actions...
Do anything positive in the presence of creative actions...
And you choose for life, love and happiness.

Or...

Choose destructive actions...

Do nothing in the presence of destructive actions...

And you choose for death, hate and destruction.

Simple? Yes. It is that simple.

Easy? No. Not always.

Still...it is your choice every time.

So...what will you choose today?

Gift...

or theft?

Life...

or death?

Love...

or hate?

Creation...

or destruction?

Thank you for choosing wisely... your life is not the only one that depends on it.

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

For an article on Tween sexuality and interesting discussions in the comments:

http://www.scientificblogging.com/news_releases/the_profit_motive_behind_the_sexualization_of_tween_girls

Perfect by Design...

2008-07-24T10:50:00.032-04:00

“Listen to the Musn't's child, Listen to the Don't's. Listen to the Shouldn't's, the Impossibles, the Won't's. Listen to the Never Haves, then Listen close to me. ANYthing can happen, child, ANYthing can Be.”

—Shel Silverstein (1930-1999), poet, songwriter, musician

Can't help wondering...
What you're wondering about?
I'm wondering where the time goes...
For one thing...
Wondering why we don't seem to know earlier...
Let every moment in a child's life...
Be our priority...
They are so few and so soon gone...
Wondering when we will understand...
Each and every child...
A perfect child...
Perfect by design...
Miraculous, able...
Deserving of all we can do and give...
Ensure their survival, their preparedness...
To take their places in the Continuing Cycle of Life.
Each and every child "Beyond Beliefs,"
When we take the time to really see them...
As they are ...
Perfect by design...
Not ever something less than we are trying to make them be...

And now, here is a favorite poem for your pleasure and enlightenment:

Perfect by Design

Perfection:

The Ability to use the best of the past to create a better future.

... Consider the Butterfly

She doesn't know how rare it is,

That she flies through the air,

Nor knows that she pollinates

And gives life to so many.

Neither she knows what joy she brings

To the hearts of those who can see.

How lovingly the onlookers stare.

What protection from harm she has earned,

For her beauty that she can not see,

For her caring that comes so naturally.

How those who can see her wish,

Their lives could be so Happy,

So loved, so blind, so truly free.

~Thomas T. Panto ~ 1983~
( http://www.themiracleoflife.org/One_Beginning/day17-theroad.htm )

Hope you enjoyed...
'til next time...remember...

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

A Proclamation by the President...a sad commentary

2008-04-16T07:28:00.011-04:00

The strength of America

Lies in the ability of our citizens

To make a positive difference

In the lives of our young people.

George W. Bush

Can't help wondering... what you're wondering about?

I'm wondering where this month is going!

Seems like I've been everywhere, doing everything to promote Child Abuse Awareness month.

Here's a site to show you what others are doing this month...

Child Abuse Awareness Month
CAAM Events Around the Nation

So, what's your community doing to increase awareness of child abuse prevention? Go see what many around the USA and elsewhere have done. Is your community included on that list? What did you or your community do to increase awareness? Tell me about it! Nothing? It's not too late! Go for it.

President George W. Bush did something. The following is provided free of commentary:

National Child Abuse Prevention Month, 2008

A Proclamation by the President of the United States of America

Children are the hope and promise of our Nation, and our society has a special duty to ensure young Americans get the care and attention they need to succeed in life. During National Child Abuse Prevention Month, we underscore our commitment to preventing child abuse and neglect so that all children can live in safety and security.
Parents have a responsibility to safeguard their children from danger and to provide the love, protection, and guidance youngsters need to grow into confident and caring adults. In every community across the Nation, good and courageous citizens are improving the lives of our most vulnerable children with acts of compassion. The strength of America lies in the ability of our citizens to make a positive difference in the lives of our young people.
My Administration is committed to the safety of our Nation's youth. In 2006, I signed into law the Adam Walsh Child Protection and Safety Act, which was designed to protect children from sexual and other violent crimes, help prevent child pornography, and make the Internet safer for our children. This law expands sex offender registration and notification on a nationwide basis, provides a statutory basis for the Project Safe Childhood program, and gives communities and law enforcement the tools necessary to keep children out of harm's way. Additionally, with strengthened Federal penalties, we will ensure that those who prey on our children will be caught, prosecuted, and punished to the fullest extent of the law.
As we observe National Child Abuse Prevention Month, we reaffirm our loving commitment to America's youth and our dedication to building a society in which all children can realize their full potential.
NOW, THEREFORE, I, GEORGE W. BUSH, President of the United States of America, by virtue of the authority vested in me by the Constitution and laws of the United States, do hereby proclaim April 2008 as National Child Abuse Prevention Month. I encourage all citizens to help protect our children from abuse and neglect and to take an active role in creating safe communities.
IN WITNESS WHEREOF, I have hereunto set my hand this first day of April, in the year of our Lord two thousand eight, and of the Independence of the United States of America the two hundred and thirty-second.
GEORGE W. BUSH

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Tossing and turning…unsuspected child maltreatment?

2008-04-07T10:36:00.003-04:00

Try to be absolutely honest

In your thinking for one minute.

Judson Smith

to Marcia Brown in Lotus Seeds

Can't help wondering...
what you're wondering about?

I'm wondering about honesty within ourselves... that unknown to others honesty we sometimes call personal integrity...that honest that burdens us for many years, for lack of telling to a trusted friend.

After tossing and turning for too many sleepless hours I decided I might as well just get up and write this down. Yesterday a friend shared a deep dark secret that went off in my head like a roadside bomb, with a blinding light that cast shadows of naked truth every where behind my suddenly closed eyes.

From out of nowhere she blurted, "I hope its okay but I have to tell you something I never told anyone. I hope you won't hate me for it." Open eyes, open heart, I think, but still I am not prepared to hear something so simple that it makes clear something so obvious I wonder how it has never crossed my mind.
"I was only eleven," she said. "Old enough to know better, I guess, but I didn't think I was doing anything wrong." I'd watched Dad do it, and even though Mom always said, "don't do that, you might hurt her," he only laughed and threw my baby sister higher. "Don't be silly, she's liking it," he'd say, and wink at me like he always did when he wanted me to agree Mom was just being a spoil sport.

So when we were alone I decided to throw the baby up and catch her. I thought it would be fun to throw her high. I must have thrown her crooked or something because she didn't come straight down. Before I could catch her she hit the edge of the sofa. As she slid toward the floor I caught her. The baby was screaming and I was scared to death. I bounced her around and laughed like we were playing until she stopped crying." My friend looked at me, eyes wide and sad. "I guess it didn't hurt her?"

I smiled. "Well we sure can hope not, can't we?" She smiled back, do doubt as relieved as she looked. But inside my head memories where flashing like emergency lights. My young brother throwing a kitten high up to see if it would land on all fours, and crying about nine lives as Dad smashed its head to put it out of its pain. Me giving a baby left-over sour milk and being screamed at for "trying to kill him," and ten or twelve years of hell, believing somehow I must have been responsible when he died several months later. A toddler once throwing a can of tuna in a bassinet on an infant's head…his favorite food, maybe the crying baby might like it, too? Who knows what goes on in the minds of kids?

Recently a neighbors' children put a puppy on the trampoline and then all jumped as hard as they could so the poor puppy would bounce higher and higher. Then a few days later, an infant got the same "fun" until I screamed out the window for them to stop. Other people shared similar stories over the years, many of them. Children don't know as much as they often think they do. And ten to twelve year olds with more strength than safety demands for brains not yet developed, and minds that think they know everything, do a lot of things that somehow go wrong.

As my mind was putting two and two together, the answer wasn't one I wanted to see at all. How many adults swearing they don't know how an infants' bones were broken might be telling the truth? Maybe they didn't when so often the newspaper accounts explain that CPS placed the other children in foster homes? How many unexplained SIDs? How many shaken babies? Dropped babies? Suffocated babies? Babies wacked on heads with any number of lethal objects? Heaven only knows what happens to babies when children aren't supervised adequately… and that is a thought that now will never leave me.

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

No Dreams, No Civil Rights: Not for Abused and Neglected Children

2008-04-04T13:20:00.012-04:00

Before such things can come,

You idiotic child,

You must alter Human Nature!

And they all sat back and smiled.

Charlotte Prekins Stetson Gilman

from: Similar Cases

Can't help wondering... what you're wondering about?

Today the emphasis of many is on forty years ago.

We celebrate Martin Luther King for what he did for the civil rights of all. Well, almost all... children then had no civil rights. Not much has changed for them since then.

Although the UN initiated the Convention for Children's Rights in 1989, the United States remains the only country that hasn't ratified it.

Corporal punishment remains legal in all states for parents and legal in many schools. You can't hit an adult with the intention of inflicting pain, but it's still legal to hit a child with the intention of inflicting pain. Some things are very slow to change.

Forty years ago, as now, abused and neglected children dared not dream of a brighter day, a better world, a change that would someday set them free. The most they dared hope for was survival, escape, and a future not so altered by their experiences that life remained livable. Abused and neglected children lived in a world of the unseen, and the unacknowledged. Child abuse wasn't even considered a problem until after Dr. C. Henry Kempe and his colleagues published the work, "The Battered Child Syndrome," in 1962.

Even today, the majority of people still admit behind their own closed doors, they prefer those children remain that way. Hidden away and easy to ignore... not heard, and not seen either. Oh, they feel sorry for them... only children after all. Not their faults for having parents that don't teach them right from wrong. Those people are more than willing to attend balls, rally's ball games, walk-a-thons, donate money, do anything as long as they aren't expected to actually go anywhere near the children themselves.

Honest people admit abused and neglected children aren't always the easiest children to care about, let alone be around. Once out of the shadows, sometime after they become ambulatory, too many abused and neglected children are seen as dirty, smelly, and ragged. They lack vocabulary, manners and other socially admired characteristics. Instead, out of the mouths of these babes, filth and violence spew along with spittle directed at the least suspecting. Their escalating levels of rage and increasingly uncontrolled behaviors give fair warning... don't mess with me.

Abused and neglected children may lie, steal, cheat, bully and cause unimaginable trouble for friend and foe alike. Do something nice to one such child and he will take that as a sign of weakness asking to be taken advantage of. Reach out with love to another such child and she will accuse you of evil intentions, or worse. Why not? For many of these children everyone represents a threat, the new is always dangerous, the unknown something to be avoided at all costs.

While children died in the name of the civil rights movement so that others would be free, few remembered the children screaming and dying behind closed doors. Forty years later people exclaim about the numbers of people in prison... more in the US than any other country. How many people know that 100% of the most violent of prisoners have records as abused and neglected children? How many know that California looks at the failing 4th graders to estimate the number of new prison cells that will be needed in twenty years?

How many are willing to look at the connection between the abused and neglected children of 40 years ago, who became the parents, increasingly unmarried, of the young unmarried adults twenty years ago, now giving birth at higher rates than ever to more children being abused and neglected? How many think nineteen year olds with three illegitimate children, with different fathers are likely to break the cycle from which they come. How many think the missing fathers will? So who will help the children?

Some people step up, eager to be the ones to make the changes. When others say it can't be done, the children once innocent are lost and gone, still others can be heard to say...not true! Our children are worth whatever it takes...

Said I, in scorn all burning hot,

In rage and anger high,

"You ignominious idiot!

Those wings are made to fly!"

Charlotte Perkins Stetson-Gilman

From: A Conservative

While, in the back ground a chorus of voices rise, from those lost children who do not understand, those for whom hope and dreams are long since gone...those who have never known anything but abuse and neglect:

"I do not want to be a fly!

I want to be a worm!"

Charlotte Perkins Stetson-Gilman

From: A Conservative

Change will be slow, with so many who do not yet know which way to go. All the more reason to begin with even just a small step today. Got your Blue Ribbon, yet?

Some Information:

The Kempe Center for the Prevention and Treatment of Child Abuse and Neglect

Get Your Blue On for Kempe Kids

Kempe Center: History of the Child Abuse Blue Ribbon Campaign
Kempe Center: Education and Awareness Help Us All

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Tell Congress Children Die When Child Protective Services Fail Them

2008-04-02T10:58:00.010-04:00

We can do no great things -

Only small things with great love.

Mother Theresa

Can't help wondering...

what you're wondering about?

Yesterday I asked what you what you would be willing to do to spare her or any other child from suffering from abuse.

Well here is one small thing you can do for children today:

Just click on this link and go sign a Petition to Congress:

http://www.thepetitionsite.com/1/children-die-when-child-protective-services-fail-them

Here is the body of the petition you can sign in less than one minute:

April is Child Abuse Protection Month. Children that could be alive, die every day in the United States, because people do not report and Child Protective Services across this country too often do not follow their own simple procedures. Agencies and individual employees alike need to be held accountable when they make choices that result in children's deaths that otherwise might have been avoided.

The middle class baby shown here did not die from the abuse inflicted on her. She survived to adulthood, alive, but certainly not unscarred. During her early years she suffered much that would be called torture and prosecuted as a crime if inflicted by an adult on another adult. As a child she was subject to physical, emotional and psychological abuse, and possibly sexual abuse. The newborn was three weeks old, when her mother first slapped her so hard on her bare bottom that the red hand mark remained for hours. By age one, mother and father escalated their corporal punishment in the name of training and discipline.

Over the next years she was bitten, slapped, pushed, punched, beat with belts, metal edged rulers, wooden spoons, shoes, and other things. She was dragged around by her hair, forced to eat soap, locked in rooms, deprived of meals, forced to spend hours in stress positions, made to scrub floors with amonia, and endured other punishments to teach her lessons. An older sibling and a stepfather contributed more abuses. Although people knew, no one stood up or spoke out for her.

We, the petitioners, are standing up and speaking out for the children still suffering as much and more, every minute of every day. We ask you, as a member of a Congress that continues to fund these agencies, and through them passes a lot of money to private companies providing services to children, without holding them all accountable for little more than where the money is spent, to reconsider your priorities for allocating taxpayers' money. Our children are important to us. We want to see that they are equally as important to you.

Before the next election, we want to know by your efforts just how important children are to you. The easiest way you can show us how much you do care is to take immediate action. Words simply aren't good enough anymore, especially when it comes to our children's lives. Promises, no matter how well intentioned, do not save children from the torture and death they experience while you delay.As taxpayers we request the appropriate committees conduct extensive hearings on this issue sometime during this year.

At least another 1,500 children will die at the hands of their primary caregivers during the year, and the majority of those children will be known to the Child Welfare System that is partly funded by your choices.

You have the power to make changes. You can write laws that eliminate the loopholes that enable the system to do as they did and get what they got... You can provide the financial incentives to create change among those who resist it. You can insure that people who put off until tomorrow what should be done today do so with as much risk to themselves as they cause to innocent children whose lives are at risk.

Congress held hearings on product safety because of dangers to children. You held hearings on Steroids because of dangers to children. You held hearings on Youth detention facilites because of dangers to children. You held hearings on human trafficking that involves dangers to children. You held hearings on internet safety and child pornography because of the dangers to children. These and other child-related hearings are important. We watched. We listened. We are glad that you did them. We thank everyone who participated.

However, as important as those issues are to children, not one of those issues involved the deaths of at least 4 or 5 children every day here in the United States. Not one involved hundreds of thousands of debilitating injuries to children each year in the United States. Not one involved 3 million reports of child abuse each year in the United States.

Those agencies and individuals that can make those numbers improve must be held accountable. Those who are accountable must be properly educated, trained, and supervised. Those who are accountable for children's safety and welfare must no longer be over loaded with more cases than can be effectively handled. Those who are accountable to investigate must no longer be tied to a desk doing paper work instead, because support staff has been eliminated due to funding cuts. Those who do the work that saves children must also be paid proportionately to the importance of that work. None of that is true now.

You can make the changes that ensure the inadequacy of the Child Welfare System is no longer an excuse for continued child abuse. We will thank you when you do.

Thank you now for your sincere consideration of this petition. We appreciate that. We look forward to the April when your changes mean stories like these are not in the news every day:

Father of two drowned in tub files claim against Nassau Agencies, charging neglect. http://select.nytimes.com/mem/tnt.html?_r=1&emc=tnt&tntget=2008/04/02/nyregion/02drown.html&tntemail1=y&oref=slogin
Orlando-Area Father Arrested on 350 Counts of Sexual Abuse. http://www.orlandosentinel.com/news/local/orl-abuse0308mar03,0,4405775.story
Privatization and the Juvenile Justice System: A Tale of Abuse. http://www.leftinalabama.com/showDiary.do;jsessionid=4339920861BA7904049E8969D581AEE3?diaryId=1308
Lessons from child deaths. http://www.newsday.com/news/local/ny-licase0303,0,3662909.story
Lawsuit: Doctors failed to ID, report abuse before boy died. http://www.indystar.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080303/LOCAL/803030369/1020/LOCAL05
Mother arrested in abuse of 7 year old who was burned. http://www.bostonherald.com/news/regional/general/view.bg?articleid=1081698
Son's death leads to charge of homicide. http://www.charleston.net/news/2008/mar/06/sons_death_leads_charge_homicide_by_chil32874/
Child Deaths: Higher in Georgia Than in Other Parts of the Country. http://content.times-herald.com/297708105306667.bsp
Best Memorial for Dead Toddler: Report Suspected Child Abuse. http://www.statesmanjournal.com/apps/pbcs.dll/article?AID=/20080312/BLOGS02/80312037/1046/OPINION
Let Kids ' Deaths Haunt Debate for CPS Reform. http://www.azcentral.com/arizonarepublic/local/articles/0319roberts0319.html
Foster Parents say DHS doesn't follow own rules. http://newsok.com/article/3207365/1203658945
Running to Keep in Place: The Continuing Evolution of Our Nation's Child Welfare System. http://www.urban.org/publications/310358.html
Child Maltreatment 2005. http://www.acf.hhs.gov/programs/cb/pubs/cm05/cm05.pdf

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

No Fooling Around About Child Abuse Today or Any Day

2008-04-01T08:41:00.013-04:00

Wear a blue shirt, dress, tie, or ribbon...

As an expression of unity...

Promote the prevention of child abuse and neglect...

Make the world a safer place for our children...

Judge Mike Smiddy

Can't help wondering...
what you're wondering about?

I'm wondering about how to tell you to be very careful about whar color blue you wear. Most people don't know it's against the law to wear any shade of blue close to that used for U S Air Force uniforms?

April Fool!

Today is April I. We all know what that means...especially those of us with any children in the house. They love a day when playing practical jokes is generally accepted and brings gales of laughter for a while. How many times will it take for you to catch on and say...That's Enough! No More! ...I really mean it this time!

April I is also a day that is important to some children, but for these children there may be little laughter today or any day. April is Child Abuse Prevention month. Today people and organizations everywhere are finding ways to bring attention to child abuse in the hopes of making a difference. Blue ribbons, blue banners, blue pinwheels, blue candles, blue lights, blue clothes, blue, blue, blue will sprout like early croci any where there are people who want to say about child abuse... That's Enough! No More! I really mean it this time!

Blue represents the thousands of children who are bruised and battered every day. It has been the color symbol of child abuse since 1990, when one person, Bonnie Finney, a heart broken grandmother, "tied a blue ribbon to her car antenna after her grandson was fatally physically abused and his battered body left in the Dismal Swamp.” Thanks to her action, there is now a national campaign based on blue.

What will you do in April? Will you wear blue to increase awareness of child abuse? Will you use blue ribbons to send the message that you protect children? Will you do something creative with blue to demonstrate your commitment to child abuse prevention?

Here are links to some information and ideas:

Child Welfare Information Gateway: History of National Child Abuse Prevention Month

Child Welfare Information Gateway: 2008 Resource Packet and Related Materials

The 5 R's: What you and your community can do to prevent child abuse and neglect

Unto the Third Generation: A Call to End Child Abuse in the United States within 120 Years

Ribbons Part of Local Campaign to Prevent Child Abuse

Civic Involvement Can Help Prevent Child Abuse

Raising Hope

Go Blue for a Child

Child Welfare Information Gateway: Emerging Practices in the Prevention of Child Abuse and Neglect

Reframing Child Abuse and Neglect

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Truth is Stranger than Fiction in Child Abuse

2008-03-31T18:56:00.008-04:00

April is Child Abuse Prevention Month
Blue is the color of child abuse...
Black is for mourning...

Can't help wondering... what you're wondering about?

Today seems to be one of those kind of days when I just know I'm going to wake up any minute, shake my head and laugh with relief that I've just had the weirdest dream ever... or maybe it should be considered the most frightening nightmare?

Or somebody forgot its leap year so April Fools Day isn't until tomorrow? No such luck...

First there is this story about the man who several times a day goes outside on his deck naked, turns a round picnic table on its side and has sex with the umbrella hole...in full view of a nearby school.

Then there's this story about a training seminar on child abuse, where the Keynote speaker was Dr. Walter Lambert, medical director of the University of Miami's Child Protective Team. According to the the article the doctor's comment that "some cultural concepts change over time," refers "to how parents and schools used to hit children as a disciplinary measure."

Used to hit?

What world is he living on...not here on Earth for sure, where in the US every state still allows Corporal punishment by primary caregivers and most states still allow it in schools, and the US remains the only country that hasn't ratified the UN Convention on the Rights of the Child that calls for no spanking.

Another article in my e-mail points out that these were reported in the last few weeks, in just one county: " 3- and 7-year-old children suffered severe ongoing beatings with a belt…a 3-month-old boy who suffered numerous earlier injuries died of blunt-force trauma to the head….a 2-year-old girl was punished by her mother with blasts from a pressure washer…a 2-year-old boy was beaten with a T-ball bat…an 8-year-old boy was tied to a coffee table and beaten for three hours by a relative who was babysitting him….a 13-year-old girl and 14-year-old boy endured horrible physical and sexual abuse for more than six years."

In another state, an article mentions, "...babies suffocated in their sleep, on plastic bags, balloons or laundry carelessly left too close. Seven died after being hit, thrown, dropped or kicked. Two infants were shot; two others, starved..." but "no agency is responsible for a comprehensive assessment of child abuse and neglect here...the state Office of Children's Services, for instance, is responsible for situations within a family, but OCS usually has no authority if a baby sitter hits a toddler, or a health aide fails to recognize a critically ill infant, or a teacher has sex with a student."

And in yet another state in 2006, "15,798 confirmed cases of denial of critical care [neglect]....2,037 cases of physical injury were reported...839 cases of sexual abuse were founded in the state — the lowest number founded in more than 20 years."

And in another, it's reported that "over 60,000 children are confirmed child abuse victims each year in Texas."

Unfortunately I could go on...and on...and on.... but I won't. Not today, anyway. Statistics simply don't say all that much to most people.

But that precious baby at the top of this page? Remember her? She was a victim of child abuse.

On a stormy spring night she entered the world six weeks early as an innocent, 5 lb. 1 oz, and barely 17 inches long. She couldn't go home until she was ten days old.

When she was three weeks old, her mother hit her so hard on her bare bottom that the red mark lasted for hours. No doubt the psychic pain lasted far longer.

At three months her twenty month old sister dumped Ivory snow over her head. She turned blue, but was revived and survived after a few days in the hospital.

For the next ten years of her young life she was slapped, kicked, pushed, pulled, jerked around, bit, her hair pulled, hit with a belt, wooden spoon, metal edged ruler, sticks, locked in her room as punishment, and that's only part of the abuses she experienced from her mother, father, older sibling, and stepfather.

She survived all that, too.

What would you do to have spared her that beginning to her life?

What will you do to spare another child who suffers now as she suffered then?

Millions of children are reported abused each year in the US. Child abuse occurs at all socio-economic levels. Today a neighbor can be so overwhelmed by stress that she does the unthinkable. Tonight a friend can be so overwhelmed that he does the unimaginable. Research indicates tomorrow the same thing can happen to you. Don't be careless...anyone can become a child abuser given a terrible set of circumstances. Learn more about child abuse so you can make a positive difference for all children. The child you save could be one you know and love.

Here are links to just a few of the articles in my e-mail box today. Tomorrow there will be many more. And every day after... for how long????

Go Blue for a Child
Bellevue man is charged for having sex with a table
Keep Funding to Fight Child Abuse
Wide Range of Topics Aimed at Helping Abused Children
Celebrities Join Efforts to Keep Children Safe
When Money's Tight, Children Shouldn't Suffer State Wants Big Picture of Harm to its Infants
Figures collected by Iowa Kids Count show that Muscatine County ranks fourth in the state in reported child abuse cases

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Newt on Child Abuse, War, Immigration? Not?

2008-03-28T10:20:00.008-04:00

There is a good deal else

That would not exist

Without "poisonous pedagogy."

It would be inconceivable, for example,

For politicians mouthing empty cliches

To attain the highest positions of

Power by democratic means.

Alice Miller

Can't help wondering... what you're wondering about?

Did John hear the bells toll yesterday? Barack and Hillary grab their helmets and flack jackets, begin to run faster and harder? If not, then they missed Newt's speech at AEI.

Whatever one thinks of Newt, and this isn't the place for that, the man is brilliant…almost beyond belief. Some months ago in an interview when asked if he'd run, he said no reason to do that as Republican's had a full field of good men running.

The speech he gave yesterday is either being thrown into the ring…or about to become the ring around all future Republican talking points. Newt managed to wrap himself in everything Barack, added a few touches of Hillary, coated himself with pure Repubican brass and came out looking like a gold ring looking for a finger…or a nose.

But this isn't about Newt, John, Hillary or Barack…what their positions on issues look like, how they compare or contrast. This is about something they all have in common with each other and the vast majority of politicians.

They talk about the 3 million in prisons, not about the 3 million reports of child abuse each year. They talk about the 4,000 soldiers killed in this 5 year war, but not about the
7,000 children killed by child abuse during that same time. They talk about the thousands of wounded soldiers who will suffer and struggle the rest of their lives, but not the hundreds of thousands of child equally as wounded each year by child abuse. They talk about people losing homes, but not about children who are homeless. They talk about poverty but don't mention the 12 million children who go to bed hungry every night. They talk about the sad state of illegal immigrants hiding in the shadows, but not about the child abuse of having children grow up without education, medical care, or much else besides a venomous rage that encircle their young hearts, then wells and swells until it can no longer be contained and brings them finally to uncoil and strike at anyone for any reason. They talk about human rights for all but the United States hasn't ratified the 1989 UN Convention on the Rights of the Children. (Somalia is the only other one!)

In this speech, Newt in his cleverness managed to avoid alienating the black voters by throwing a few glittering pieces of mica in their direction as he shifted the focus of compassion away from other minorities to the Native Americans. He managed to make everything Barack and Hillary offer to champion education, poverty, race relations, look like paupers offering to share crumbs. When he offered free college to students who finish high school in two years rather than four, while coating them in tax cuts and the talking points always popular with the Republicans, I almost had to stand and applaud the man for his creativity.

Say what you will about Newt. He knows his stuff, and how to use it for best advantage. He proved that 30 years ago. In this one speech he gives the deserting Republicans a path on which to run back to the fold, the wavering independents a means to get out from the stress of indecision, and the disgruntled Democrats not happy with the idea of voting for a black or a woman, a time-tested old white guy saying what they want to hear.

But what about John, the war, immigration, and child abuse? Dogs that don't bark?

HMMMM...I had a dog once... a German Shepherd... she didn't bark, but she was the best watch dog in the world...anyone coming over the fence never knew she was there before she pounced.

Here are some links:

AEI Address by Former Speaker of the House Newt Gingrich

Obama Campaign Speech on Race

An Open Letter to all Responsible Politicians from Alice Miller

Spanking is Counterproductive and Dangerous

Alice Miller: The Childhood Trauma

UN Convention on the Rights of the Child in Child Friendly Language

Convention on the Rights of the Child

UN Convention on the Rights of Children

What Are You Going to Do About Child Abuse?

The Limits of Politics I: The Roots of the Politics of Power

The Politics of Lies: Suffer the Child

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Scribbling Siblings? Well...

2008-03-23T09:34:00.009-04:00

Did you know that

Sibling abuse is

One of the most common forms

Of family violence?

Sibling Conflicts: Roughhousing vs. Abuse

Can't help wondering... what you're wondering about?
I wonder if the net isn't providing a great way for some to talk about abuse and gain some healing in the process.

As with so many other things related to child abuse, the veil of secrecy enshrouds that of sibling abuse. It simply isn't a subject that comes up easily, even or especially within families.

My children were all grown before they began to tell me horrible stories of their experiences with each other when young. They told finally with the sense of safety that comes with time and distance… and the support of one another… and with a deliberate use of humor to lessen re-experiencing the degree of pain and actual cruelty of the experiences.

Had my mother lived past 42, would my brothers and I have eventually regaled her with similarly humorous stories about the ways we abused one another as children? We certainly never brought the subject up with Dad who lived ten years longr than Mom… but then it seems with Dad we never acknowledged the elephant of violence and abuse in any of its many guises.

From discussions with others my guess is that even as adults the subject of sibling abuse may not surface in many families…ever. I suspect the openness that developed in our family came as a result of me owning my part in it all with them, keeping the subject of abuse open, and subsequent discussions both personal and abstract as I strived to learn and share more about child abuse in general.

Not surprisingly, given that she received the most of the worst from me, the oldest was more often named as offender for perpetrating violence against her brother and sister during their childhoods. After listening to how she deliberately slammed doors on hands, held knives to their throats, and other clearly abusive actions, I asked, "But where was I?"

As a stay at home mom, aware that she was acting out her own pain and anger, and openly mean to her sibs in so many ways, I thought I did everything possible to protect them from her angry outbursts. "Oh, you were always there, Mom, but we didn't dare make a sound or tell. We knew she would make us very sorry if we did."

Sibling abuse is not often recognized as resulting in serious trauma yet. Too many well-educated people, immersed in the field of child maltreatment in one discipline or another, persist in minimizing the degree of frequency and further minimize any as "just kids stuff"… nothing more than sibling rivalry.

Recently, there is more interest in sibling abuse as a valid subject for solid research. But for now, those who endured it need to speak out in order to heal themselves…and to open the conversation so others may feel safe in doing so, too. There are places on line where people are sharing their stories on this abuse as they share about other abuses. Comments on a recent post on "Well," a health-related blog, show the depth of pain about sibling abuse and how some are dealing with it.

In it's simplest terms sibling abuse includes all the types of abuse...physical, emotional, sexual, and neglect. And it traumatizes children deeply in ways similar to that of other domestic violences. Trust is destroyed both by the perpetrator and by those who fail to protect the children…and this may be worse in many ways… by those who deny the sibling abuse when told of it.

I also think that eventually research will determine that sibling abuse has two victims…the obvious child-victim of the abuse, and the child abusing his or her siblings who is sustaining developmental damage that changes him or her, too. Abused children need our protection and help. Abusive children also need help and protection, not condemnation, and extra effort to stop them...for the sake of all.

Looking for more information:

Siblings Behaving Badly

Brothers and Sisters of Abuse Victims Often Help Cover Up or Even Commit Abuse
Beyond rivalry, a Hidden World of Sibling Violence

Sibling Abuse

Sibling Conflicts: Roughhousing vs. Abuse

Sibling Rivalry? Think Again...

What makes kids care? Teaching gentleness in a violent world

Selected Resources on Sibling Abuse: An Annotated Bibliography for Researchers, Educators and Consumers

Sibling Abuse Forums

http://www.child-abuse-effects.com/pandoras-box.html

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Pre-emptive Strike Against Our Children

2008-03-16T10:07:00.005-04:00

The American people live in a country

Where they can have

Almost anything they want.

And my regret is that it seems that

They don’t want much of anything at all.

Eugene Debs according to Ralph Nadar

Can't help wondering... what you're wondering about?

I'm wondering just what do Americans want?

Apparently Walmart knows better than anyone else exactly what Americans want...

Americans it seems want junk they can buy in place of wanting those things in life that truly have meaning and lasting value. Instead of parenting with love

Supreme Court, inc.

Supreme Court of the United States (Official Page)

U. S. Supreme Court Information: Basic Facts and History

Supreme Court Decisions Relating to Children

The Broken Branch: How Congress is America and How to Get it Back on Track (The Book)

The Broken Branch: How Congress is Failing America and How to Get it Back on Track (Article)

Is the Broken Branch on the Mend? An Early Report on the 110th Congress

Radio Interview: Thomas Mann and Norman Ornstein: "The Broken Branch" (Oxford)

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Filling Squares, Training [NOT] and Child Abuse

2008-03-15T12:28:00.009-04:00

You can swim all day

In the Sea of Knowledge

And still come out completely dry.

Most people do.

Norman Juster

Can't help wondering... what you're wondering about?

I wonder what happends to the ones supposed to benefit, when people drinking from the Sea of Knowledge, seeming afraid to even wet their lips, take no more than a quick sip, then claim that as the source for anything they spout forever afterwards.

That leads me to discuss an issue of great importance to me in any discussion of child abuse. Today I'm wondering about, education at all levels, in all fields, among all people…in relation to child abuse, of course.

I come here to post after first responding to a comment left by Geoff Brown http://www.geoffbrown.com/home.htm on Scare Crow Child, "Child Abuse and Neglect: A Weak Spot in Teacher Ed..." about a "new online role-playing course titled, "How [Not] to Talk To a Possible Child Abuse Victim," that lets teachers rehearse an interactive conversation with a possible child abuse victim, getting feedback after each choice...if request is clicked on...and, for a price, recieve certification for the training.

I believe when Bryan Short said "Evil is the incapacity that is forced on one by his lack of training," that he was speaking a truth with a capital T. No doubt others may have said as much, or even used the same words, but I heard them from him in a lecture/class at NAU in 1997. I was so struck by the words, and the discussion that followed, that I kept them as something of a basic philosophy.

Those words clarify for me much that seems senseless on the surface. Most of us agree, (even if we disagree about whom to attribute the words in a quote) that there is a truth in saying those who do nothing in the presence of evil, are in themselves contributing to evil. And yet, while claiming something must be done, too often we do nothing. Then like the early Christian, Paul, while we berate ourselves for failing to do what we would, or not do what we would not, we seek an excuse for our behavior.

The Devil, Twinkies, Mom, Dad, Child Abuse, (or you fill in the blank)… made me do it, defense continues to thrive.
So one might expect me to think education about child abuse provided anywhere, in any way, for any reason must be a good thing. Not so. Avoiding any discussion of pros and cons on online education, I have trouble recommending this, or any other course like it, based on the following three reasons.

First, I agree with Plato via Socrates on writing and believe it is as true for on-line courses:

"this will provide forgetfulness in the souls of those who have learned it ... . You have found a drug not for memory but for reminding. You are supplying the opinion of wisdom to students, not truth. For you'll see that, having become hearers of much without teaching, they will seem to be sensible judges in much, while being for the most part senseless, and hard to be with, since they've become wise in their own opinions instead of wise" http://www.firstmonday.org/issues/issue5_7/klass/index.html
Plato as Distance Educator Pioneer

Second, again per Plato:

"For writing certainly has this terrible power, Phaedrus, as if truly like the painting of living animals. For the offspring of that stand forth like living animals, but if someone were to question them, they maintain a solemn silence.
(Plato, 275d) Plato. Phaedrus.

And third, in my experience, almost all forms of "training" taken to fill a square, to satisfy some requirement to indicate training happened, rather than with the intended purpose of learning, accomplish nothing positive. Examples include:

1. Real Estate Ethics Training I attended in CA where instructor arrived one hour late, asked if we wanted to get out early, quickly went over answers to test, then left us alone in room to pracitce our own ethics...or get back to making money in a hurry.

2. Military on-line training where cheat sheets circulate for those who don't know how to take the test without actually doing the "training."

3. On C-SPAN Congressional Hearing last week, an owner of meat packing plant waved signed sheets as "proof" that employees had received training, so employees who said otherwise must be lying...

4. Beginning employment at a Day Care Center, I was pointed towards three manuals on child safety, welfare, etc. that had to be read...asked to sign a paper that I had done so and rushed into work.

5. Going to the drugstore for meds now, asked to sign a statement that declares I have been counseled by the druggist...

You get the picture from just a few pieces? And I have no doubt that you can add more of your own! Anectdotal "evidence" doesn't count? Depends on the circumstances, doesn't it?

However, as you know, "Child Person From the South" is filled with links, quotes, stuff involving the written word on-line and off, so am I saying don't use any of them? No. Not at all! In fact I hope you use any sources of information on child abuse that you find here or elsewhere, that seem so "good" to you that you will put forth the effort to learn, process, make the knowledge behind them yours, and use the wisdom gained in some attempt to protect a child from abuse.

Should the day arrive when there are Answers with a capital A, as in Truth with a Capital T, that is the day when I will erase all other attempts at finding answers and provide that Answer to you. Until then, I continue to provide a variety of sources such that you may find something that you may find useful in your search for Wisdom. But while you do, please remember as Heather L. Reid says:

"It is the admission of ignorance in ourselves, and the recognition of ignorance in others that gives us the courage, freedom, and duty to inquire after truth."

And, I hope, in doing so bring us closer to that day when Bryan Short's words, "Evil is the incapacity that is forced on one by his lack of training," become a Truth that means Evil no longer finds an opening through the abuse of children.

So, in the meantime, a few more links for you:

How [Not] To Talk To A Possible Child Abuse Victim (On-line Course)

Unto the Third Generation: A Call to End Child Abuse in the United States within 120 Years (More in depth perspective and reasons for real training)

Interviewing Child Witnesses: Questioning Techniques and the Role of Training

ICAN Child Abuse and Neglect Protocol (Includes Video)

Inter -agency Council on Child Abuse and Neglect (ICAN) Mandatory Reporting of Child Abuse and Neglect

Putting Kid First: Court Approved Online Parenting Course ($60)

Family Matters: Court Approved Online Parenting Classes (Various Fees)

Free Online Parenting Class ($20 Optional Certification)

The Educational Value of Plato's Early Socratic Dialogues

Teaching and Learning: Making the Written Word "Speak": Reflections on the Teaching of Correspondence Courses

Links to Plato's Works on the Web

Plato and His Dialogues

Plato as Distance Educator Pioneer

Rom. 7:15-16: "...for what I would, that do I not; but what I hate, that do I...." Rom. 7:19-20, "For the good that I would I do not: but the evil which I would not, that I do. Now if I do that I would not, it is no more I that do it, but sin that dwelleth in me."

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Spitzer Prostitution Story Not Only About Men and Sex: Working Mothers, Children, Drugs and Other Baggage in the Complaint

2008-03-11T13:16:00.006-04:00

...the girls who have children

tend to have

a little more baggage going on...

Complaint

Can't help wondering...
what you're wondering about?

I haven't a clue about Spitzer's part in this story. Time will tell all, I'm sure.

My concern is, as always, about children and child abuse. No, as far as we know, this story doesn't include anything about child prostitutes, but there is plenty of other harm being done to innocent children who will struggle to carry the baggage from this one.

This is about the more subtle abuses of the children related to the women mentioned in this complaint, the ones whose mothers have to leave "work" early to pick them up from school, the ones whose mothers turn to drugs in order to continue with their "work," the ones whose mothers are creating the risk of endangering their children's health, well-being and even safety by their choice of employment and the performances it entails.

Regardless of Spitzer's role in the story, how difficult is this for his teenage daughters to endure? What suffering will they experience now and after effects in the future? How much damage to their trust, their beliefs, their values because this story suggests their father participated in this so much more than may ever even turn out even to be true. How much are they suffering because of whatever their mother may be suffering?

How many of the three named as defendants in this case, or mentioned as "models" are mothers? For that matter are sisters, aunts, even grandmothers of children who stand to fall under the burden of dealing with the baggage coming with extended aspects of the story. What about those whose fathers, brothers, uncles, grandfathers may yet be pulled into the story? How many of the people involved...the clients, the employees, the business managers...are themselves child abuse survivors?

When does a parent's personal choices become child maltreatment by virtue (OMG - no pun intended) of them being a form of neglect, a failure to protect their children from harm.

In spite of my concern for the children, I find the details in the complaint the funniest reading I've done in a long time. I admit I can imagine the humour in a movie playing it all out on a big screen. Imagine the guy waiting who gets the call that she is running late because it's pouring rain and she can't find her "little pocketbook with all my slips." The one who hears, "UH, excuse me a minute while I take this call about my next assignment." Or finds his business intentionally cut short , like maybe with a hasty, "Oops...sorry...I know it's a 40 minute hour... but I gotta pick the kids up from school, now!"

Viagra could make quite a commercial about the men exercising their "buy-out clauses"... I wonder...is that called E-Z Access? And excuse me... who decided to use QAT Consulting as a name for the money-laundering business expense set up? Can you keep a straight face imagining the guy worrying about "getting busted,"...although maybe that was an intended pun?

Or doesn't your heart break for the pitiful guy who complained that " it was getting harder and harder to do business with 'them,'" because the company instituted a new demand of a 55% deposit, so he had to ask "whether direct deposit meant going to the bank himself" to take care of it. How does the guy feel who finds out his credit is so poor he has to pay full cash up front, and the company recommends he put up an extra $2000 to make it easier to access services the next time?

Or how about the client who "has enough credit that they can take their time this evening and tomorrow morning. She . . . doesn't necessarily have to raceout @ 9am." Must be a real ego booster, huh? What about the poor slob who jumps through all the hoops only to be told the person of his choice "would not be available for the appointment." Must be ego-crushing, huh?

What about the potential hire who talked to a friend who "done [sic] her first job for you" and was confused and shocked...shocked, I tell you!...that the friend had to do it "twice in one hour" for only $500 and didn't even get dinner out of the deal. And pity the poor business managers... so much trouble doing business with a girl doing drugs, and that not even a sometimes thing because, "a lot of these girls deteriorate to this point."

And no farce worth the watching would be complete without the multiple phone and e-mail exchanges needed just to make an appointment...or keep it, negotiations over price, complaints over quality...or lack of..., late mail deliveries, phones not working, missed transportation connections...unavailable flights, clandestine arrangements for room access, hidden keys, doors ajar, on an on, ad nauseum.

With all this easy material who needs comedy writers for SNL, sitcoms, or any of the other late-nite shows?

But this isn't fiction...as far as we know at this time...and I suspect for those involved none of this is humorous. What's worst as far as I'm concerned is knowing there are too many real children hurting over this. And probably very few if any adults being aware, or taking care of them. For me that's not funny at all.

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Constitutional Rights: Home Schooling? Abuse? Neglect? None of the Above?

2008-03-08T15:33:00.010-05:00

..."allowing every person to make his own

standards on matters of conduct

in which society as a whole

has important interests”

is precluded by

“the very concept of ordered liberty ...

Croskey Court Opinion

Can't help wondering...

what you're wondering about today?

I'm wondering about parents, children and constitutional rights a lot lately... usually with an emphasis on child abuse of course. But today the news from California focuses on another aspect of that concept... home schooling.

So...so will I.
So...do parents have a constitutional right to homeschool their children?

So...did they ever?

Nowhere in the Croskey Court document is the proposition presented as anything new, let alone supported by cherry-picked words quoted by this blogger called KipEsquire, that "California courts have held that ... parents do not have a constitutional right to homeschool their children,"...

But by cleverly taking a few words out of context, KipEsquire, and others doing the same thing today, create a firestorm that sucks even the CA Governor into the smoky maelstrom. The choice of words easily leads the careless reader to believe this ruling drastically changes something…forcibly rips away someone's inalienable and constitutional rights...deprives parents of some previously assumed authority over their children's education. No doubt it threw welcome fuel on the fire that smolders among the more radical home schoolers.

KipEsquire is clever. He throws out the lit match with this:

"California courts have held that ... parents do not have a constitutional right to homeschool their children," Justice H. Walter Croskey said in the 3-0 ruling issued on Feb. 28.

No doubt knowing full well the sparks will fly on that one, KipEsquire then fans the flames with this:

"Parents have a legal duty to see to their children's schooling under the provisions of these laws."

And knowing, no doubt, that with eyes burning no one will notice, KipEsquire splashes more fuel on their blazing emotions with this:

"Parents can be criminally prosecuted for failing to comply, Croskey said."

Sound like if you home school, you have no right to do so and face prosecution if you do?

However, that isn't what The Croskey Court finds at all. Here are the words KipEsquire chooses to use placed back in their original context:

The trial court’s reason for declining to order public or private schooling for the children was its belief that parents have a constitutional right to school their children in their own home. However, California courts have held that under provisions in the Education Code, parents do not have a constitutional right to home school their children.

That doesn't say you can't home school your children, or are in danger of prosecution if you do. The Croskey Court opinion does say the trial court declined "to order public or private schooling" because of a belief the parents have a constitutional right to home school their children.

However, the issue of a parent's constitutional right to home school was settled prior to this case in the California Courts:

Thus, while the petition for extraordinary writ asserts that the trial court’s refusal to order attendance in a public or private school was an abuse of discretion, we find the refusal was actually an error of law.

Abuse of discretion or error of law? The Croskey Court confirms that parents do have a right to home school in CA, when they do so in accordance with existing law:

It is clear to us that enrollment and attendance in a public full-time day school is required by California law for minor children unless (1) the child is enrolled in a private full-time day school and actually attends that private school, (2) the child is tutored by a person holding a valid state teaching credential for the grade being taught, or (3) one of the other few statutory exemptions to compulsory public school attendance (Ed. Code, § 48220 et seq.) applies to the child.

Finally, the Croskey Court notes:

Because the parents in this case have not demonstrated that any of these exemptions apply to their children, we will grant the petition for extraordinary writ.

Amazing to me that KipEsquire, who claims to be a lawyer, albeit a NY not CA lawyer, also says:

"…It is a fine line (or a massive chasm, depending on your point of view) between insisting, as I do, that there is no right to badly homeschool your child and this court's ruling that there is no right to homeschool whatsoever…" (KipEsquire's emphasis; my hi-lite).

And, KipEsquire continues:

"…To adopt a bright-line rule that any homeschooling is "bad" homeschooling is arbitrary, irrational -- and likely an unconstitutional violation of due process. Even in the knowledge that some homeschooling will be bad homeschooling, the state should be required to demonstrate that a particular parent is failing to properly homeschool a particular child, just as it should be required to demonstrate that a particular parent is neglecting or abusing a particular child." (KipEsquire's emphases; my hi-lite)

KipEsquire's rant becomes of particular interest to me with those last words! But this post is so long that I will continue my thoughts next time….so long, so long!

For you:
http://kipesquire.powerblogs.com/posts/1204928335.shtml
California Court: No Right to Homeschool

http://www.courtinfo.ca.gov/opinions/documents/B192878.PDF In re RACHEL L. et al., Persons Coming

http://www.time.com/time/nation/article/0,8599,1720697,00.html?imw=YCriminalizing Home Schoolers

http://renaissanceguy.wordpress.com/2008/03/07/statist-style-schooling/Statist-Style Schooling

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Ripping the Nest Apart for Abused Children

2008-03-05T12:09:00.013-05:00

Children and their parents

are nested in a broader family group:

those people to whom they are connected

through kinship and other relationships
American Humane: FGDM

Can't help wondering...
what you're wondering about today?

I'm thinking about families, remembering aunts, uncles, cousins, grandparents, siblings. Most are gone now, but the sense of belonging, of being a part of something remains as comforting as ever.

Imagine ripping these children from their great-grandmother in order to protect them from an abusive or neglectful parent. Her loss would be devestating. Their loss incalculable. With her would go extended family members, family history, culture, mentors of skills and talents, safe harbors for all kinds of life storms.

I wonder what I would be without the grandmother who adored me and made no secret of it, the extended family members who gave me the joys and experiences of books and learning, scouting, who introduced me to the comfort of religion, the pride in "our" pew in the church, taught me of the local landmarks that created connections of my family to place through generations that came before me, gave me a sense of a history that included me and would pass on through me to next generations.

What of those who taught me manners not learned at home, values and pride in craftsmanship, who provided regular escapes from a horrific home life? What if my brothers, my reasons for hanging on were ripped from my life? What of the pets, friends, neighborhood places, schools and teachers that served as lifelines during rough times? Sure, I might have suffered less neglect and abuse by being removed from my mom and dad...maybe...but there is no doubt that I would have suffered greatly from the loss of all the other positives that come from having a connection to time and place and people.

For some reason when good people set out to do good things and don't consider all the consequences that may occur as a result of their decisions, they can cause more damage than had they done nothing. The road to hell... and we all know the rest of that! The decision to hasten the time from removing children from their homes until parental rights are terminated in order to stop the horrors of children lost in systems and place the children in permanent situations sooner sounds like one of those good intentions!

My grandson was "lucky" when the state took him from my daughter, for she was a Heroin addict, with all that includes for a young female, and his life was in jeopardy. But was he so lucky when the foster parents, eager to adopt him, and case-worker believing it best, pushed hard for that closure as soon as they could legally do so? I have no answer of course. Once the adoption took place, my daughter wasn't the only one locked out of his life when the records were "closed."

So when as a CASA (Court Appointed Special Advocate for Abused and Neglected Children) I participated in a Family Group Decision Making program I was thrilled to see the children included, along with extended family members and even close friends, in an attempt to create the best possible solutions for the children and their single Mom. How different from other meetings of professionals making decisions based on their biases, values, mood of the moment, mixed with incomplete information about the people whose lives they would change forever! The stake holders at Family Group Decision Making meetings have a lot more at stake, to say the least.

If you are interested in knowing more here is a bit....

Family Group Decision Making in Child Welfare: Purpose, Values and Processes
The values associated with FGDM include:
• Children have a right to maintain their kinship and cultural connections throughout their lives;
• Children and their parents belong to a wider family system that both nurtures them and is responsible for them;
• The family group, rather than the agency, is the context for child welfare and child protection resolutions;
• All families are entitled to the respect of the state, and the state needs to make an extra effort to convey respect
to those who are poor, socially excluded, marginalized, or lacking power or access to resources and services;
• The state has a responsibility to recognize, support and build the family group’s capacity to protect and care for
their young relatives;
• Family groups know their own histories, and they use that information to construct thorough plans;
• Active family group participation and leadership is essential for good outcomes for children, but power
imbalances between family groups and child protection agency personnel must first be addressed; and
• The state has a responsibility to defend family groups from unnecessary intrusion and to promote their growth
and strength.

And here are some related links:

How To Solve A Family Problem the Democratic Way

Family Group Decision Making

Families Gaining Their Seat at the Table

Engaging Families in Child Welfare Practice

Family Group Decision Making in Child Welfare Purpose, Values and Processes

Seen but Not Heard? Children and Young People’s Participation
in Family Group Decision Making:Concepts and Practice Issues
http://www.americanhumane.org/site/DocServer/PCNixonarticle.pdf?docID=5721

Tools for Permanency: Tool #2: Family Group Decision Making
http://www.hunter.cuny.edu/socwork/nrcfcpp/downloads/tools/fgdm-tool.pdf

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

What's wrong with this picture? One child abandoned? Or two?

2008-03-03T09:26:00.018-05:00

There is no agony

like bearing an untold story inside you.

Zora Neale Hurston

Can't help wondering... what you're wondering about? I'm wondering about pictures that don't tell the whole story. Pictures with missing pieces. Pictures that create more confusion than clarity. Pictures that seem really out of focus. Pictures that need far more than a thousand words to make any sense of them.

SO WHAT'S WRONG WITH THIS PICTURE?
The Picture as known at this time: 44 year old man turns 6 month old baby girl over to firehouse; claims baby abandoned in his cab by unknown man. Man and his 21 year-old girlfriend, who is actually the baby's aunt, are charged with criminal falsification; each can face year in jail. Man who "abandoned" baby in cab is allegedly the baby's 27 year old father. Baby girl, now called Baby Lourdes was placed in foster home. A 23 year old bail bondsman, another friend of the family, brought the 14 year old mother to the police because she was "depressed, scared, crying…loved her daughter…wanted to be with her."

WHAT'S WRONG WITH THAT PICTURE?
WHAT ISN'T?
The mother is a child herself, probably pregnant at 13 by a 26-year-old man. Statutory rape, at least, isn't it? What's wrong with that picture? Child Abuse and neglect by how many? Will any of them be charged?

The Baby-mommy gave birth to Baby Lourdes. She didn't have an abortion. She didn't let the Baby Lourdes drown in a toilette somewhere. She didn't smother Baby Lourdes and hide the evidence. Who knew of the pregnancy and birth? Parents? Doctor? Nurse? Hospital? Or did she have it home, alone? Who knew of Baby Lourdes existence the last six months and did nothing? Where was the help for that child and her child? What's wrong with that picture? Child abuse and neglect by how many? Will any of them be charged?

A concerned society offers a "Safe Haven" in this state for parents who can't care for a child to leave the child at specified places "without risk of prosecution," but only until the baby is 5 days old. Police haven't decided yet whether to charge this Baby-mommy… with what? Did that same concerned society fund effective life-education in schools, before puberty, including information about birth control, Safe Haven laws, other options for unintended mental and physical consequences of unprotected sex for children, services available for Baby-mommy and Baby Lourdes? How much public education like readily obvious and available ads, brochures, workshops, etc. exist, and not just as a good idea for some organization that lacks funds to pay for or workers to distribute stacks of materials gathering dust on back room shelves. What's wrong with that picture? Child abuse and neglect by how many? Will any of them be charged?

Whatever your feelings about all the aspects of this story, known and yet to be known, whether or not you agree with the plan and actions these people came up with, no matter your beliefs that most of them were old enough to know better, regardless of your beliefs about how things should have been/could have been/would have been if you were involved, what alternatives would you prefer these people with all their human limitations had chosen in this moment of time for Baby Lourdes? Abandon the baby, dead or alive, wrapped in plastic and stuffed somewhere? Far too often that is the option chosen by desperate people. Obviously those involved were not willing to see that as a solution to what they apparently perceived as a problem they had to solve. For whatever reasons, they chose to give Baby Lourdes a chance at life, apparently the best chance they could imagine for her. What's wrong with that picture? Child abuse and neglect by how many? Will any of them be charged?

Where is the sense in charging those who gave Baby Lourdes that chance? Why send them to jail? So others won't do what these people did? And then what? Desperate people make desperate choices…and none of those choices bode well for any babies and children involved. Why not assign a period of public service working in place like Ronald McDonald's house as a volunteer, rocking dying babies in local hospitals, doing anything that makes life better for the millions of children suffering today. What's wrong with that picture? Child abuse and neglect by how many? Will any of them be charged? Child abuse and neglect by how many? Will any of them be charged?

Judgment is so easy folks, and so useless. Don't kid yourself that however you see this picture, you aren't missing something still seriously wrong with it. The same might be true of many child abuse/neglect stories...

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Spanking: Necessary Correction or Child Abuse?

2008-03-01T12:58:00.017-05:00

This is why I always recommend

Creative, swift and terrible action

So that children

Take their parents seriously

And learn "the lesson" permanently.

Dr. Laura Schlessinger

Can't help wondering... what you're wondering about?

If this little one suddenly pulls away and runs off in this dangerous location, should he spank her, hit her in such a "swift and terrible" way that she takes him seriously, and never forgets?

Or maybe he should catch her, take her some place private and spank her one or two times when he is calm and collected?

Or perhaps spanking isn't an answer at all?

Yesterday 84% of listeners that called in on WJAC TV's poll said they approve of spanking children. Spanking was not defined. Not the procedure, timing or purpose.

Well, I don't approve of spanking or any other form of Corporal Punishment at any time for any reason. I no longer believe in deliberately inflicting pain on those who can't fight back or do anything to protect themselves. Cowards, bullies, torturers and sadists do that. Ignorant, undereducated, untrained people do that to little children, even infants, in the name of discipline because they don't know any better, because they haven't learned any better, because they lack alternatives.

I believe there are more humane, effective and practical ways to teach, train and discipline a child. I believe those who take care of children have an obligation to learn how. Civilized adults don't hit other adults. Why should so many believe they should hit little children?

The idea that only some 16% disapprove of spanking sent me searching for whether the divide is actually so lopsided. Unfortunately, it is. One study finds that 94% of U.S. parents spank their kids by the time the youngsters are 4 years old. As I always do, I researched all sides of the issue from parenting, legal, religious, medical, physiological, psychological, scientific, philosophical and so forth. I read both sides in comments on blogs, forums, and in response to newspaper articles. I remain consciously biased in favor of no corporal punishment.

I accept that if you believe otherwise then it makes sense to you that big people hitting little people teaches them something constructive, and does no harm. Among other things you also believe that a distinction can " be made between abusive hitting and nonabusive spanking." And you further believe that spanking is a " planned action, not a reaction," that it is a "deliberate procedure," a "forewarned consequence for designated problem behaviors," is "administered in private to avoid public humiliation or embarassment," consists of only "one or two spanks administered to the buttocks," and "should leave only transient redness of the skin" and "never cause a physical injury." You further believe the spanking should be "followed by embracing the child and calmly reviewing the offense and the desired behavior in an effort to reestablish a warm relationship."

I believe you believe these or similar reasons for your stance on spanking. What I don't believe is that you believe you or those you know apply "spanking" in this calm, methodical, premeditated manner. I question the redness and the amount of pain inflicted to cause it...how hard must you hit on bare skin by your bare hand? How much harder must you hit through clothing?

Are you spanking with objects? 25% admit to using an object when disciplining children. Do you wait until you are calm, then pick up your object of choice and cold-bloodedly hit a defenseless child? Some times advice is given to make the child bring the object to you to increase the effectiveness. Do you use a hair brush? A belt? A spoon? A Switch?

Or do you buy one of the products recommended and sold for the purpose? Carefully sized and sold for "spanking" infants, toddlers, older children. I wonder if they come with satisfaction guaranteed?

For other information: (Warning: Searching "spanking" may bring unanticipated results.)

Spare the Rod?
Spare the Rod? New Research Challenges Spanking Critics (pro spanking)
Spare the Rod
Spare the Rod and Spoil the Child Explained
Snopes: Comments on Spare the Rod
Answers: Punishment

Spanking Can Bring Problems Later

Wikipedia: Spanking

Smacking? Right or Wrong (children answers pro and con)

Children's Views

Listen Up! Children Talk: About Smacking

Spanking (Pro-spanking)

State by State Spanking Laws

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

"Adults are what's wrong with our children" says Marian Wright Edelman

2008-02-29T12:52:00.006-05:00

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?
My readers know I rarely cut and paste whole sections of anything here but prefer to link you to a variety of sources instead.

Today I'm making an exception because I believe the following words by Marian Wright Edelman in the foreward to the Children's Defense Fund: America's Cradle to Prison Pipeline - 2007 need to be read...and read...and reread...and for that reason they need to be quickly available in as many places as possible. And when you have time, I hope you will read the entire foreward and the report for both are important efforts on behalf of changing the world for children.

"I am often asked “What’s wrong with our children?” Children having children. Children killing children. Children killing others. Children killing themselves. Children roaming streets alone or in gangs all day and night. Children floating through life like driftwood on a beach. Children addicted to tobacco and alcohol and heroin and cocaine and pot, drinking and drugging themselves to death to escape reality. Children running away from home and being thrown away or abused and neglected by parents. Children being locked up in jails with adult criminal mentors or all alone. Children bubbling with rage and crushed by depression.

Well adults are what’s wrong with our children. Parents letting children raise themselves or be raised by television or the Internet. Children being shaped by peers and gangs and foul mouth rappers instead of parents, grandparents and kin. Children roaming the streets because there’s nobody at home or paying enough attention.Children going to drug houses that are always open instead of to school houses and church houses, mosques and temples that are too often closed. Children seeing adults take and sell drugs and be violent to each other and to them. Adults telling children one thing and doing another. Adults making promises we don’t keep and preaching what we don’t practice. Adults telling children to control themselves while slapping and spanking. Adults telling children to be honest while lying and cheating in our homes, offices and public life. Adults telling children not to be violent while marketing and glorifying violence and tolerating gun saturated war zones in communities all across our land. Adults telling children to be healthy while selling them junk food and addicting them to smoke and drink and careless sex."

Above passage from: Marian Wright Edelman's foreward to:
Children's Defense Fund: America's Cradle to Prison Pipeline - 2007 Report

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Positive Discipline? Positively!

2008-02-26T14:16:00.013-05:00

Positive discipline is based on the idea

That children are born without knowing

What we expect of them.

Joan E. Durant

Can't help wondering... what you're wondering about?

Although I never doubt that most of us do wrong by our children on a regular basis, generally unintentionally, and would do otherwise if we knew we were harming them and how to parent more effectively, I seldom feel positive about suggesting alternatives.

Most I've discovered tend toward the dogmatic, inundate the parent with too much extraneous information, or fail to provide sufficient information necessary for understanding and application. Consider a fishing manual that dictates one formulae for success, another that tells you everything you have no need to know about raising troical fish, and another that gives great instructions but fails to provide a list of the necessary equipment.

However, today I found a manual on discipline that I feel comfortable in recommending and supporting without reservation. I find the basic philosophy is based on the rights of the child as a human being combined with respect for the diversity of parenting values. The content is thorough. The order of presentation is logical. The materials are easy to read and understand.

And, as agrees with my training about how we learn, the concepts are repeated, and repeated and repeated in different formats, so the learner has the opportunity to accomodate and assimilate using various "hooks" on which to hang the knowledge for quicker and easier access when needed...which will often be during emotional times when we won't be inclined to go looking for a manual, or take the time to search among the scrambling brain cells for answers to the immediate problem.

The only immediate negatives I note about this manual are the difficulty in locating it, and the length...over 300 pages!...but don't be dissuaded from checking it out on that account as it is a work-book manual, so lots of fill-in-the blank pages.

I also want to forewarn you that this site is easy to get lost in... there is so much interesting information available on Corporal Punishment from every perspective, and not separate URL's to make access to individual articles easy.

http://www.endcorporalpunishment.org/pages/frame.html
Positive Discipline: What it is and how to do it.
(At Site Map, scroll down; click on "New Resource on Positive Discipline" link on the right side of page; scroll down and click on "Positive Discipline Manual" link)

http://www.endcorporalpunishment.org/pages/frame.html
Positive Discipline: Web Resources for Parents and Teachers on Discipline without Corporal Punishment
(At Site Map, click on RESOURCES on the left for an incredibly thorough selection of resources!)

www.visutech.net/peace365/sign-petition.asp

Answers for Parents

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Cutting Her Out

2008-02-26T07:15:00.011-05:00

Since the mother is the first,

the basic caretaker,

losing her -in a physical or emotional way-

starts a nightmare of deprivation

for a child.

In a way, it never ends.
Missing Mother Syndrome

Can't help wondering... what you're wondering about?

Some subjects are so broad they defy tackling in a blog post. Child Abuse is certainly on that list. So is child abandonment.

The purpose of most of my posts is simply to raise awareness, trigger interest in learning more, and provide some sources to begin a process.

Nothing more...the rest is up to you.

This is a picture of me and my Mom.

As a child in pain, I cut her out of it.

Still in pain, I taped us back together.

The story that follows was told so many times that occasionally I think I remember bits of it. Mostly I doubt that... unless perhaps on some deep level where emotions linger like silent watch dogs who never make a sound before attacking. In any case, the story goes like this.

Dad was enlisted in the Army Air Corp, stationed in Mississippi, training and waiting to go to war. His young wife, far from her home and family in New Jersey, waited with him. They lived in a rented, furnished room with bath down the hall. They survived on Corn Flakes and Beer.

I was born during that time. They brought me home to that room to spend my first few months in a dresser drawer used as a bassinet. Before I learned to walk, Mom was pregnant again. By the time I was walking, running, learning to climb, she couldn't stand the stress of waiting for Dad to be deployed, being pregnant in the heat and humidity of Mississippi, dealing with an active toddler confined in one room.

Mom wasn't willing to be separated from Dad, so for the good of all, they said, they brought me to New Jersey by train and left me there with family.

His family!

Total strangers!

Abandoned me in an unknown world!

Or so it might have felt to me. The story goes I was inconsolable. I cried so much that Dad claims the extended family felt sorry for me. He always said they did everything possible to turn me into a spoiled brat forever.

Mom and Dad returned to New Jersey a couple months later…just a few weeks before my brother was born. They moved into a room in the big house I'd learned to call home. By then I'd bonded deeply with Dad's Mom, my Grandmother, and with my Aunt and Uncle who lived there. When I wouldn't come to Mom and Dad, Mom said Dad's family had turned me against them.

I was seventeen months when my brother was born. That was the day World War II "ended." Our family war had only just begun.

Related Information:

What is Abandonment?

Specific Problems in Traumatized Children with Attachment Disorders

(at Imaginif...)

Emotional Abuse of Children: A Study of the Narratives in Protective Assessment and Intervention

What is Attachment Disorder?

Neglect in Childhood

The Anatomy of a Trauma

Isolated Pattern

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Payback for Child Abuse

2008-02-22T08:30:00.006-05:00

“No one can tell what goes on

between the person you were

and the person you become.

No one charts that

blue and lonely section of hell.

There are no maps of the change.

You just come out the other side

… or you don’t.”

Stephen King, The Stand

Can't help wondering... what you're wondering about?

People said my parents really cared about kids.

Mom and Dad didn't hesitate to take in kids who needed a home for a while.

Didn't matter if they were kin or not.

And those kids were treated exactly as their own kids...not one bit of difference.

Kids remember experiences like that.

They especially remember if that treatment was different from what they were used to receiving. Makes them see everything in a different way.

So it shouldn't come as a surprise that one boy left our house determined to pay back. Just living with us for a while turned his entire life around. He never was quite the same kid again. He'd never become whatever he might have been.

In fact he told us later his only goal in life after he lived with us was to grow into the biggest strongest toughest meanest s.o.b. possible (actually he used a lot of other words, too, but you get the idea?) so he could come back and beat the hell out of Dad. He did it, too. The part about becoming the biggest strongest toughest meanest s.o.b. possible, anyway. When he came back he was a lean, mean, proud Marine. His presence filled the room, his voice boomed when he asked,

Where is he?

In bed.

You tell him to get out here.

He's sick.

Tough. I've been waiting a long time for this day. I'm not leaving until I repay that bastard for every beating he gave me when I was too small to fight back. I couldn't even walk after the worst one. Remember? And I didn't even do anything wrong. One of you guys hid my shoes...

Dad came from his room, dressed only in the tee shirt and boxer shorts he wore when he wasn't ripping off his clothes for some bizarre reason during those final days. At those times that frail, scrawny, naked, white-haired man, who looked old but was only 57, would rage and slam walls and, there alone, taking care of him, I'd hold my breath in terror and stare at the cords on his unnaturally white feet, until he'd come to his senses and exhausted, meekly return to his bed.

I wondered how he'd be, what would happen. Weeks before he died of cancer, Dad's voice was still the strongest part of him.

You looking for me? Haven't changed much have you…always were looking for trouble, weren't you, kid? C'mon. Let's go outside and finish this once and for all.

Silence.

You bastard. You lousy bastard. I don't fight people who can't fight back.

Ever watch a Marine walk away from a fight? Hear him choke on a sob? See bitter tears of disappointment fill his eyes? Feel his pain, share his frustration, understand the depth of his loss when he realizes the one thing that gave him direction and kept him going for years will never happen?

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

You Don't Abuse children? Sez Who?

2008-02-20T08:30:00.007-05:00

"Every time I say something

they find hard to hear,

they chalk it up to my anger,

and never to their own fear."

Ani DiFranco

Can't help wondering... what you're wondering about?

It's easy enough for anyone so inclined to dismiss anything I say about child abuse to my anger. However, being easy doesn't make it an accurate assessment. Some of what I say is no doubt rooted in anger. Most of what I say is rooted in formal education and informal, ongoing research across disciplines. All of what I say is rooted in determination to invest my time, energy, talents in seeking some relief for those who suffer from abuse today, and who will suffer even more tomorrow.
Yes, I am angry.
Yes, I am angry about child abuse.
Yes, I am angry about all abuse.
Make no mistake about any of that!
I am angry about the abuse inflicted on me, about the abuse I inflicted on others, and about the continuing abuse inflicted every day by millions of us on millions of children and adults worldwide.
I am angry about abuse by caretakers, parents, grandparents, aunts, uncles, cousins, siblings, peers, neighbors, strangers, school personnel, teachers, priests, ministers, hair-dressers, tailors, religious leaders, scout and youth leaders, doctors, dentists, social workers, psychiatrists, psychologists, politicians, scientists, police officers, bus drivers, clerks, jerks and those who work at Municipal Water Works. Even if not listed here, there are no exceptions to the list of those who abuse children. That list includes everyone.
Yes, that includes me.
Yes, that includes you.
Yes, I said you and me.
Make no mistake about that either!
From the worst of the raping/murdering pedophiles to the near-perfect among us, from the God-denying to the God-fearing, from the under-educated to the over-educated, from those who devote themselves to protecting children to those who don't give a damn and don't mind saying so, from those who contribute nothing of personal resources, to those who contribute all, from the poorest to the richest among us, there are no exceptions to my contention. We all abuse children to one degree or another.
Whether by omission or commission, whether at the lowest end of a continuum of abuse or the highest, whether aware or not aware, whether intentionally or not, whether willing or able to acknowledge your participation, you are no exception.
Easy to dismiss everything I say, easy to blame it on my anger, easy to attribute it to anything you like? Easy to attack me personally? Yes! But challenge me before you dismiss this charge that we all abuse others, to one degree or another, that we abuse even the least and most vulnerable among us, the children of the world.
First provide your definition of abuse. Without that we have no basis for discussion.
Then tell me who you are, what you do, why you are an exception to my claim that you inflict some kind of abuse on children. Tell me where you live and I'll show you facts and figures, research, and stories you won't want to know. Tell me when there was a time when children experienced less abuse than children do now, and I'll show you facts and figures, research and stories that you will find hard to accept. Show and tell me anything from any discipline, any field of research, any source, even uninformed, ill-founded and unsupported opinion, that you think proves me wrong.
Prove me wrong! I'll admit it!
Prove me wrong! I'll celebrate!
Prove me wrong! I'll learn from you and do everything possible to teach others how to live without abusing others, or at least how to inflict less abuse tomorrow than they do today...

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Child abuse is the root of all evil…
the love of money and power come later.

Visible Pain Relief: Self-mutilation and Child Abuse

2008-02-14T14:26:00.033-05:00

There is nothing "bad" about a child
who chews his or her nails.
Nail-Biting: Parenting Strategies

Does She? Or Doesn't She?

Can't help wondering...
what you're wondering about?

A little neighborhood friend, younger than the child pictured here, bites her nails.

She chews her fingers.

She bites herself on the inner wrist.

I hurt so much for her, knowing the inner pain that makes her need to hurt herself for relief.

One would think with the abuse and neglect in her life, she'd have no need to hurt herself, too.

It doesn't work that way. I know.

I've been a nail-biter since earliest childhood. I'm certainly not bragging about that…but I no longer feel ashamed about it either. Oh, I hated biting my nails, hated myself for not being able to stop, hated the way my hands looked and most of all I hated the expressions of disgust and pity from others.

For what it's worth, I'd bet there never has been a nail-biter who wanted to be one.

I certainly didn't want to be one for many reasons.

I guess you could say I've been self-injuring since I was a baby. My mother loved to tell the story of finding me covered with blood one day. I'd found a package of razor blades, opened them and was happily chewing on them. (No comment on the lack of supervision or whatever…)

When I was a child my father often slapped me across the face for biting my nails… as well as for other maddening behaviors such as my hair hanging in my face, the look on my face, the way I was standing or just about anything it seemed to me. Other people ridiculed, mocked and humiliated me as their ways of getting me to stop. Still others bought that nasty tasting stuff or offered manicure kits, or other rewards as incentives to stop the nail-biting. The school nurse even gave a written permission slip for me to suck life-savors in class.

As you can guess, I didn't just nibble the nails. No. I ripped them off until my fingers bled and the pain was excruciating. Eventually I took to hiding pins in many places for easy access. I used them to dig under the bed of the nail in order to make a place "to get a grip" and rip off a piece of nail.

Eventually I found just digging my flesh with a pin was a good-nuf substitute sometimes. At 15 I played with the razor blades again. By then I was seriously intent on killing myself. I failed but that's another story.

Now I know more about nail-biting and other forms of self-injury. In brief, self-injury, self-harm, self-mutilation, and so forth, include "carving, scratching, branding, marking, picking and pulling skin and hair, burning/abrasions, cutting, biting, head banging, bruising, hitting, excessive body piercing and tattooing."

Self-injurers "tend to have been abused as children." In one way or another, abused children "discover that a serious jolt to the body, like that produced by self-injury, can make intolerable feelings go away temporarily."

The resulting behaviors, including chronic nail-biting, seen as "common symptoms of stress" are variously described as coping mechanisms, "tensional outlets," and a "quick and easy way of defusing great physical or psychological tension."

The reasons for the behaviors include "trauma reenactment, bargaining and magical thinking (if I hurt myself, then the bad thing I am fearing will be prevented), protecting other people, and self-control."

Finally, in severe cases, self injury may be viewed as a "gift of survival," possibly the "most integrative and self-preserving choice from a very limited field of options." Self-injury may be the one thing standing between the person and committing suicide to escape from physical or psychological pain too great for him or her to live with.

For More Information:

Nail Biting: Causes and Consequences
Self-Injury of the Nails and Hands
Nail-Biting: Parenting Strategies
Wikipedia – Nail-biting
How to Protect Your Children From Self-Injury
Self Injury
Self Injury in Adolescents
Self-inflicted Violence
People Who Self Mutilate
Self Mutilation & Suicide
Trauma Reenactment Syndrome

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Clemens, McNamee and the Pinocchio Effect

2008-02-14T07:52:00.016-05:00

Kids lie early, often,

and for all sorts of reasons—

to avoid punishment,

to bond with friends,

to gain a sense of control.

Are Kids Copying Their Parents When They Lie?

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?

I'm wondering about American idols… no, not those American idols. I'm wondering about baseball players…the ones children around the world idolize. This morning that includes Roger Clemens.

After watching hours of testimony of a Congressional Hearing yesterday I'm no more able than anyone else probably is to declare Clemens or McNamee the liar about the alleged illegal steroid and Human Growth Hormone use.

I can say if there is anything to what I call the Pinocchio Effect, then Clemens could prove to be the champion of lies for the day. The name Pinocchio Effect is probably not original with me, but it did pop into my head one day and has stuck with me ever since. Seems research suggests the only consistent body language of people when lying is touching the nose.

Now, this makes sense to me because whether we want to admit it or not, the roots of what we are and do are shown frequently to lie in our childhoods. (No pun intended…maybe.) And who among us didn't identify with poor Pinocchio whose nose grew longer with every lie he told?

Anyone who watches hearings or trials must notice the tightly clasped hands of the participants. I used to thing they were praying…you know…asking for help to tell the truth…as in so help me, God. But that was before I learned about the research on lies and nose touching. Now I think they know about the Pinocchio Affect, by whatever name anyone calls it.

So what about the child abuse in all this? I'm not going where everyone else is this morning about the higher moral calling of athletes because children are watching...and imitating. These days it is difficult to point in any direction without finding the opposite is true. Higher moral calling seems a lost art in all fields so there is little reason to expect any difference in baseball. The fact is children learn by imitation and they imitate most those they idolize.

So, no, this post isn't about the hearing. This post is about lying. And the child abuse as I see it concerning lying isn't in the lying to or about children, although that is certainly included as abuse. No. This is about adults teaching children to lie. And then, even more abusive in my opinion… after the children learn to lie… as they all do…they are condemned and punished for lying. Finally to make matters worse, we inflict the greatest abuse of all… the hypocritical, holier-than-thou, finger wagging denial of our own lying. Remember Bonds, to name just one?

One thing is certain about the hearing I watched on CSpan yesterday... people lied. McName admitted to his lies. Clemens insisted to the end he didn't lie. Personally I appreciate McName's truth telling. It was refreshing. He confessed, owned, apologized and claimed to feel shame about his lies. I think that sets a better example for children to learn from and follow than that provided by those who piously spout about the importance of our precious children. They point fingers, swear they never lie, lecture others on the importance of setting good examples, blah, blah, blah, blah, blah… itchy noses not withstanding.

Those behaviors are imitated and learned by children, too. Just watch older children with younger children suspected of lying. In one recent study with teenagers, 98% admitted to lying to their parents. That's a whole lotta lying! The kids in that same study also admitted they "saw for the first time how much they were lying and how many of the family’s rules they had broken…" Apparently the denial is learned early, but isn't impenetrable. I wonder if other research involved parents how many would admit to lying to, about, and in the presence of their children?

You might find these articles interesting reading:

Are Kids Copying Their Parents When They Lie?

Say Thank You: Learning How to Lie

Phone Fibbing is The Most Common Method for Untruths

Umass Researcher Finds Most People Lie in Everyday Conversation

Touch Your Nose

Are They Lying to You?

Lie Detection

8 of the Most Common Lying Gestures

How to Tell If Someone Lies To You

How to Tell if Someone's Lying Just from Looking at Their Hands

Natural Born Liars

And this one is really fun!

Robots Evolve and Learn to Lie

Oops! During this research I've found several others do refer to the Pinocchio Effect... the hundred monkeys strike again!

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Reflections on Child Abuse, John McCain and Watermelon

2008-02-03T06:58:00.000-05:00

Shame is the apprehension of a vision

Reflected from the surface of opinion--

The opinion of the public.

Aristophanes

The Frogs

WHAT'S THIS???

Can't help wondering...
what you're wondering about?

This morning I'm wondering about Senator John McCain and his five years as a prisoner of war.

Five years of physical, emotional, psychological, environmental deprivation, abuse and neglect… even torture... are significant experiences for any person.

Changes that result from such experiences may not be obvious to others. However, small things may be big clues to deeper gaps in what might be considered pressumed knowledge, shared perceptions, assumed connections, expected reactions, and so forth.

For example, when John McCain is caught not knowing something considered common knowledge, such as long gas lines and alternate days, he laughs. He reminds us that he was living a different reality then, as a POW, not sharing in ours in the USA. Without too much effort on our part we understand what he doesn't say. We see the bigger picture even without all the details. We accept the differences that have to be.

Abused and neglected children frequently lack common knowledge for much the same reasons. They, too, live in a different reality. They, too, lack opportunities, exposures, materials, tools and products necessary for learning about the world in which they live. Recently a few experiences raised my awareness of how extensive that lack may be. I wondered just how such missing bits of knowledge, otherwise considered "common," to the majority might skew developmental and other kinds of tests given to abused and neglected children.

Consider a watermelon, a sweet potato, and a pair of scissors. Common enough things by most standards. While discussing children's adjustment to recently moving in with her, the foster mom mentioned how amazing it had been to watch the 4 children (ages 5-10) when she brought home a watermelon.

"What's that? We never had it," they told her. She thought they were kidding.

The children's emotional responses ranged from laughing disbelief…"Are we really going to eat that?"…to faces contorted with disgust…"Yuk, that looks like blood and guts"…to determined grimaces… "No way I'm going to eat that"…to grinning amazement…"Wow, this is really good"… to finally, a bright-eyed eureka moment…"Hey! I've had this stuff! I didn't know it was watermelon!"

The foster mom, convinced it was a new experience after all, asked me how that could be.

I thought about a single Mom, with the kids in tow, walking to the store . She has no car. Public transportation isn't available. Small town grocery stores aren't likely to use space for cut up watermelon. Food stamps limit what to buy. Buying a watermelon and lugging it over a mile just wasn't a likely scenario.

Mom, peppered by too many questions as she shopped for too much with too little, ignored most of them. The home environment lacked books and magazines where children might have seen a picture. The television they watched included MTV and other age-inappropriate shows and movies that probably don't include a lot of watermelon preparation. The children didn't go to extended family gatherings where watermelon might have been served as a summer treat. Neighbors lived the same environmentally deprived lifestyle. Very possibly the children never experienced cutting up a watermelon or connected that big hard green thing to the pieces of red stuff they might have had in school.

Which brings me to the 13 year old friend who crinkled her nose at baked fresh sweet potatoes. "What's that? We don't eat them at my house!"

"You kidding? You mean that's the same stuff we get in cans from the food pantry? Doesn't look the same. We don't eat that either."

"Okay, I'll try it. But just one little bite!"

She ate the two baked sweet potatoes…

hers and mine…

then asked for more.

Three 11 year olds worked on a craft project with me. They couldn't cut with scissors any more efficiently than average five and six year olds. At first I thought they were kidding me. I watched them struggle, then quit, then begin clowning around. Once children fear ridicule, shame sets in and acting out begins. Clowning around hides a lot more than a lack of basic skills resulting from environmental deprivation. No kidding.

A Mom visits, notices the scissors on the table. She scoops them up, then snaps at me. "I don't let my kids use scissors! We don't even have them in the house."

"Why not?"

"Because the kids don't know how to use them. They might cut themselves."

"How," I ask, "will they ever learn to use them if they can't use them?"

She shrugs. "I can't cut with scissors Hasn't been a problem for me." No kidding.

People joke about kids who fail everything in school…even art!…they laugh and ask, "who could possibly fail art?" John McCain lost much during his five years of abuse and neglect. Fortunately for him, he had already learned the basics.

And this picture?

Oh, that's just a photo of sunshine on a shadowed rock wall, reflected in crystal clear water.

No kidding.

http://www.cyc-net.org/cyc-online/cycol-0402-pringle.html
Deprivation and Education
A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Survivors Can Thrive!: I've Created a "Survivor Needs" Meme

2008-01-24T07:42:00.000-05:00

Marj from "Survivors Can Thrive" threw
the ball to Megan Bayless from "Imaginif..."

Asked her to play in the "Survivor's Needs" meme.

Then Megan threw the ball to me.
Now I'm throwing it to you!

Catch it if you can!

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about? When Megan made me "it" I didn't even know what a Meme was! I also wasn't sure I wanted to play! Well, play I did, and learned what others already know...playing a Meme is a bit like playing Chess. You can learn the moves and play it light for fun...or play it as though your life depends on it... As a survivor I know two things about playing hard ball with my past. One is that sometimes it hurts to play. The other is that it always leaves me feeling lighter and stronger.

The Way to Play Marj’s Meme.

1. Please link back to Marj's post so people can see the origins of the meme, get ideas for their own self-care list, see who’s already been tagged, and maybe we can track how far this meme goes.

2. List 25 needs. and five wants. Try to restrict your needs list to things that have to do with being a survivor of some sort of abuse, assault, etc.

3. List 5 wants. Your wants list can be anything you want!

4. Use this list to remind yourself to get your needs met in this New Year.

5. Pass on the meme and tag five people to play the meme with you.

So, Here's my Survivor's Needs Meme...

My 25 Needs. As a Survivor of Child Sexual Assault and a Survivor of Other Physical, Emotional, Psychological Abuse and Neglect Throughout my Childhood and Beyond, and also as a Survivor of Perpetrating Abuse and Neglect on My Children:

1. I need release from having fear as my constant companion, day and night, as it's been since my very early childhood.
2. I need to be free to do whatever necessary to feel safe in my home, in my mind, and around people who are not threatening to me.
3. I need to be free to do whatever necessary to minimize stress in my life, in order to maximize the conditions conducive to maintaining the level of mental health I have achieved.
4. I need to be free to stop participating in my own use, abuse and neglect.
5. I need to learn saying NO is healthy and appropriate, and act accordingly.
6. I need release from the lingering sense of guilt and shame that as a child I somehow caused adults to abuse and neglect me.
7. I need to be free to feel what I know to be true…no child causes the bad behaviors of adults; no child deserves the terrible things some adults, including me, do to innocent children.
8. I need release from the lingering guilt and shame over failing my own children as a parent in so many ways, and in failing to break the cycle of abuse and neglect of generations that came before us.
9. I need to be free to feel pride about the many good things I did for my children that continue on as good things in the lives of some of my grandchildren.
10. I need to be free to feel the forgiveness my children have given me for lacking the necessary awareness, skills, knowledge, and strength to fully protect them from myself.
11. I need to feel responsible for my failures as a parent, but not accept blame for other's failures and inappropriate behaviors towards my children.
12. I need to be free to feel good about the many ways I did protect my children from others and myself who would have harmed them.
13. I need release from guilt and shame that I'm not doing enough to protect other children from abuse and neglect.
14. I need to be free to feel pride over what I have done for other children.
15. I need to be free from guilt and shame that I don't try harder to accomplish a goal I believe may help some children.
16. I need to feel so safe in ways I can't even imagine that I feel free to develop trusting relationships.
17. I need to be free to do whatever necessary to feel safe without feeling I'm being selfish.
18. I need to feel loved in spite of my negative experiences and imperfections as a child and an adult, not feel that no one could love me or even like me if he or she knew all about me.
19. I need continued personal acceptance of my own responsibility for doing the best I can with what each day contains.
20. I need to be free to continue doing everything possible to open the discussion of child abuse and neglect to the children who are abused and neglected, and to the adults who abuse and neglect children. Professionals need to listen to both voices. Truth, like a diamond, has many faces.
21. I need to believe that although I was injured and remain scarred as a result, I am not "less than" or "damaged goods."
22. I need my acceptance of myself as developmentally challenged in early life through no fault of my own. Although I can never be whatever I might have been in other circumstances, I have many gifts and talents to use to accomplish my goals as I am.
23. I need others to understand that I am not all black or all white, not all good, nor all evil. That does not mean I think being human is an excuse for child abuse and neglect. There are no excuses, in my opinion. But there are reasons that can and must be addressed.
24. I need someone to believe that I would do or give anything to have lived a different life. I didn't grow up dreaming of abusing and neglecting my children as a goal, watching as the cycle continued on to my grandchildren. I don't believe anyone does.
25. I need you to know after a lifetime of change, I am what I am, was what I was, and will be what I will, with or without your judgment, with or without your sincere acceptance, with or without your empathic understand. It is the children who are abused and neglected and their perpetrators who need your support for change, now.

Wants:
1. I want to use my education and passion to increase awareness of child abuse and neglect issues to spur others to fight for changes I believe are possible. I want millions of people to unite for children's rights as some have for other oppressed peoples.
2. I want more people to do whatever necessary to become better educated so they understand that child abuse and neglect will not ever be stopped by locking up perpetrators. Yes, those who abuse and neglect children should be identified, held responsible, treated, educated, punished, and monitored, as needed, and in some cases even locked up for a lifetime. But we need to replace failing systems with new and creative solutions to this global problem if children will ever have the childhoods they deserve and need in which to thrive and become healthy adults who would never, even accidentally or out of ignorance, abuse or neglect a child.
3. I want to pursue my lifelong dream for which I prepared by investing many years of my time, and many thousands of your tax dollars in student loans that may never get repaid, (but I assure you, aren't in default!) All of that together hasn't been enough to overcome such low self-esteem that in spite of excellent training, writing and illustrating picture books for abused and neglected children seems still beyond my abilities.
4. I want to wake up feeling glad to be alive and eager to live each new day, not wake up feeling soul weary, not wishing I was dead, not dreading whatever the day might bring.
5. I want my mental health medications and support systems to continue working as well as, or better than, they have for fifteen years now, so that I can continue to be "high functioning" on behalf of children everywhere. for

Blogs I Tagged:

Cerebral Mum http://cerebralmum.com/
The OTHER Mother http://theothermother.typepad.com/
Reflections of a Foster Youth http://prairieguy.wordpress.com/
Sunshine Girl on a Rainy Day – Lisa http://sunshinegirlonarainyday.blogspot.com/
Child Care Gone Wrong http://childcaregonewrong.blogspot.com/
http://lifespacings.blogspot.com/ Jumping in Puddles at Life Spacing

...and one for good measure...
She Knows Message Board

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Tagged! Meme About Child abuse and Neglect.

2008-01-21T16:46:00.001-05:00

Today I got tagged by Megan Bayless at
Imaginif…Child Protection Became Serious Business

I caught a viral meme from her...Actually two...
I'll do one today, another tomorrow...

Be Ready! You could be tagged next...

Can't help wondering...
what you're wondering about? Naturally after getting tagged by Megan, I'm wondering about Meme's...sounds like Me- me, doesn't it? Only starts that way...its really more about us...

I still don't know a lot about what Meme means exactly...
but I'm learning fast... and it's fascinating! I think it's Vygotsky-like in basic premise?... something Vachss might go for? Well, here goes....

First I'm supposed to provide the following rules for this one, called
"Seven Random Things About Me":

Rules:
1. Link to the person’s blog who tagged you.
2. Post these rules on your blog.
3. List seven random and/or weird facts about yourself.
4. Tag seven random people at the end of your post and include links to their blogs.
5. Let each person know that they have been tagged by posting a comment on their blog.

And so now I'm supposed to do what the rules say to do...

but only to share what I'm comfortable with. Are they kidding me? I'm not comfortable with much of anything in this world... so here are seven random things about me that make sense to share here. I admit some might say in the end they all add up to only one…do you agree?

"Seven Random Things About Me."

1. I survived severe physical, sexual, emotional and psychological child abuse and neglect from my birth parents. The damage that resulted was extensive. At 65, after over 40 years of treatment from many great psychiatrists, psychologists, therapists, and counselors with ever changing therapeutic techniques and medications as they came on the market, I continue to deal with several mental illnesses that will never be cured. I still feel less than and no good for anything.

2. I achieved much in my lifetime academically. Although a high school dropout almost 40 years ago, after I reached a level of what is labeled "high functioning" I returned to school, picked up the pieces and earned a BFA, 2 MA's and almost a PhD during the past fifteen years. I still feel as stupid as I ever did...and believe me, that's stupid big time!

3. I failed much in my lifetime, most painfully in almost all my relationships. Two rocky marriages ended in divorce. One lasted 7 years, and the second 22 years. There will not be a third. I have a STD and will not ever take a chance of sharing that with someone I claim to love as was done to me. I avoid social and personal connections. I still fear people, even those closest to me.

4. I abused and neglected my three children. Continuing the cycle of abuse and neglect against my own children is the failure that hurts the most. I swore I'd never do what was done to me. Although I actively sought help many times I wasn't able to stop for many years. Doctors dismissed my concerns with garbage about child resilience and how, when I was better, I'd be a better parent. Child abuse and neglect were not even considered a problem until the 1970's so that was the prevailing attitude. I still feel somehow I should have been better, stronger, more able to protect my children from my harm to them.

5. I weakened some links in my personal cycle of child abuse and neglect. On the positive side, when I understood that my parenting, although ever improving as I healed, and healthier than that of my parents who had no help, was dangerous and had hurt my children terribly, I fought for help for them while they were still children. I still feel it wasn't enough. Some of my grandchildren paid the price and may still be doing so. They are adopted. I still hurt every day when I pray for and think of them.

6. I accept my responsibility for abusing my children, and I accept the rewards from fighting to end it. Nothing I do will ever make up for the harm I did to my own children, but today I find peace in seeing the wonderful mother my youngest daughter is for her children. I find joy in the relationship she and I have developed over time. I find pride in knowing my efforts and honesty with her made my healthy grandchildren possible. I still feel too ashamed of my past to fight my son-in-law for the right to be more involved with them.

7. I am addicted to learning, educating and raising awareness of others about the cost to children and society from child abuse and neglect. This is an addiction I feel no need to overcome. The prevention, treatment, and amelioration of effects resulting from child abuse are possible. Child maltreatment can be stopped. A lot of determined voices are needed to make that happen. I am every moment grateful for God's grace and wisdom, for the gift of the strength to continue the work I do on behalf of abused and neglected children. I still believe…

Here are the Seven Random Blogs I'm Tagging for "Seven Random Things About Me":

Cerebral Mum

The OTHER Mother

Reflections of a Foster Youth

Sunshine Girl on a Rainy Day – Lisa

Child Care Gone Wrong

Jumping in Puddles at Life Spacings

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

The worst they had ever seen…

2008-01-14T07:51:00.000-05:00

Social workers involved in the case said

the abuse and neglect were

the worst they had ever seen…

Woman Sentenced in Abuse Case

Can't help wondering... what you're wondering about when people, sometimes including social workers and judges, say a case of child abuse and neglect is "the worst they had ever seen?"

Ever notice how often those words are used in articles on child abuse and neglect cases? Makes me want to scream, "then maybe its time you opened your eyes so you will see what's happening all around you!" Every day accounts of horrific child abuse and neglect are in the news. Sometimes pictures are included…

On what scale can anyone possibly weigh any child abuse and neglect as "worst" whether of those seen, or otherwise? On which scale are there markings in green for acceptable levels of abuse, orange for iffy ones, and red for worst abuses? And why, on what scale of justice, is remorse enough to tip the scale in favor of the person who committed the worst abuse ever seen?

..........................WARNING!….......................
The following details may bother you to see...
I'm sure they bothered the children more to feel…

In one case in today's news, the 4-5 year old child was covered with bruises and "seriously malnourished," had "sometimes been tied up and her mouth taped shut," and "kept in the basement many times." The child was placed with the woman by a system that failed to "see" the problems until neighbors complained.
And the court's decision on this one? Because the woman showed remorse, the judge decided against a jail term. She is sentenced to "counseling for alcohol and drug abuse and for anger management, and, if required, go into a residential program for treatment of problems with alcohol." What does it say about a system where "the worst they had ever seen" receives no more than that as a sentence?
Another case today, described as "among the 'most devastating' he's seen" involved a toddler with chemical burns on her face, hands and eyes that could result in her "losing her vision," According to the account, "The girl also suffered hemorrhages in both eyes and at least 50 cuts on her hands. Doctors discovered seven broken bones in her left hand and five in her right, which they believe were caused by “violent squeezing or blows directly to the hands,” the documents state…. Patches of her hair were missing as were two teeth, injuries which doctors’ said were consistent with blunt force trauma."

Seeing may be believing, but sometimes not seeing doesn't mean not believing... sometimes not seeing means having to believe something worse than what you might have seen had you been willing to see in the first place.

Share Information on At Risk Children
"...no one seemed to have noticed that, for at least two weeks, they hadn’t seen the four children living there. The marshals made a horrifying discovery: The girls, ages 5, 6, 11 and 17, were all dead, apparently killed by their mother…"

We can't share, what we won't see. If we see more, share more, maybe someday there won't be any more "worst cases" of child abuse and neglect for anyone to see?

FYI: http://search.msn.com/results.aspx?q=%2bworst+child+abuse+ever+see+&FORM=RCRE3
[You will see there are 2,890,000 hits for "worst child abuse ever seen"!]

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

A Village that Razes its Children?

2008-01-12T08:51:00.000-05:00

Does anyone really believe that

"no child is left behind" in America?

Has anyone ever actually visited

that mythical "village" that is raising our children?

Andrew Vachss

Can't help wondering...what you're wondering about?

I wonder if we are fast becoming the village that razes its children. Every day children are abused and neglected by a society that fights against their best interests while piously claiming to do otherwise. Society spouts slogans like No Child Left Behind at the same time it makes choices that deprive millions of children of even the most basic educational tools such as books, environments in which learning is possible, and teachers capable of facilitating learning experiences. We have children taking computer classes in schools that have no computers. We have schools that have inadequate plumbing so children lack access to working water fountains, or functioning toilettes, where children bring blankets to school to keep warm because budget cuts force abnormally lowered classroom temperatures. We have teachers assigned to teach subjects for which they have no training, while others have such poor English skills or heavy accents that students can't understand what is said.

We know that a child without reading skills will fall behind by 4th grade with no chance to ever fully recover from the loss. And yet from age 9 on children's reading skills decline along with any interest in reading. When California actually uses 4th grade reading levels to project the need for future jail capacity, society pays the price along with the individuals it abused and neglected as children by failing to educate them.

Recent NEA research, reported in To Read or Not to Read: A National Consequence, shows that reading transforms lives regardless of their "social circumstances," increases the chances of "academic and economic success" and appears to "awaken a person's social and civic sense." According to the report, reading is essential to developing the productive, active adults and healthy communities essential to a "prosperous, free society." The end result is a nation that fails as it failed its children.

Society also abuses children by neglecting their health and safety needs. Battling against SCHIP isn't the only example. Every night, 12 million children go to bed hungry. Too often the excuse for the neglect and abuse of the nation's children is a lack of money. But one issue makes clear how hollow that claim is. Remember nine years ago when there was a lot of talk, with politicians and corporations fluffing each other's feathers, everyone congratulating themselves about the importance of protecting children from the known dangers of smoking and what they were going to do? Remember how some of the tobacco settlement money would be used to educate children? Remember all the promises?

A recent report, A Broken Promise to Our Children: The 1998 State Tobacco Settlement Nine Years Later, shows once again how willing we are to ignore child abuse and neglect at any level of society. It also proves once again that the claim of absence of money as a reason for not stopping the abuse and neglect of children is nothing more than a cheap excuse. In this case the money is there. The states won't spend it as intended…to protect children.

According to this report:
"Tobacco use is the number one cause of preventable death in the United States, claiming more lives every year – more than 400,000 – than AIDS, alcohol, car accidents, murders, suicides, illegal drugs and fires combined. Tobacco use costs the nation nearly $100 billion a year in health care bills. Every day, more than 1,000 kids become new regular smokers and another 1,200 Americans die because of tobacco use."

So in essence, every day while primary caretakers kill 4 or 5 children, society participates in the future killing of another 1000 kids. States spend only 3% (not the minimum 6.4% recommended by the CDC) of the $24.9 billion tobacco money they receive on "prevention and cessation" programs that are proven to work.

This year, as the tobacco industry spends $13.4 billion to market tobacco, the states will spend only $717.2 million of the tobacco settlement money to prevent smoking. More children will decline in reading skills, go to bed hungry, die for lack of health care. Anything wrong with that?

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Warm Beer and Cold Pizza for Breakfast

2008-01-10T10:41:00.000-05:00

...a third of the mothers

and half of the fathers

whose children have sipped alcohol

are not aware of it.

Science Daily

Can't help wondering... what you're wondering about today. I'm wondering about young children's experiences with alcohol.

And I'm remembering so many mornings rushing to beat my brothers to the leftover cold pizza crusts and cans with warm beer left in them. I can't say for sure when we started that, but my earliest memories put me about 7 or 8, which would have made them 5 1/2- 61/2 and 4-5. Mom and Dad worked swing shift (4-12). Then they "closed" the bar and brought home pizza and beer. They sat at the table smoking, eating, drinking and arguing until they staggered off to bed. Whatever they left on the table was fair dibs for breakfast for the first kid there.

Sometimes that was only a sip in every can. Other times a lot. And sometimes it meant a nasty surprise of a mouthful of soggy tobacco if one of them dropped a cigarette butt in it. The pizza leftovers usually had cigarette butts crushed out on them, too, but at least we could see and eat around them. We sipped from beer cans any time they were open and available...which was most of the time. They gave us sips. Their friends gave us sips. On Saturdays and Sundays when they took us with them to the bar, even strangers gave us sips, along with the chips...and ocassional slobbery kiss.

We started smoking around that time, too. First we just lit the crushed out Raleigh butts and puffed on them. But Mom and Dad each smoked two packs a day so when leaving the house they often took new packs them. That left packs lying around with just a couple in each, there for the easy taking. Eventually smoking more meant taking new packs which got us in trouble, but my brother figured out if we took two packs at a time and moved the others forward, they didn't notice.

In our house, beer was the preferred drink, but hard alcohol was there, too, for emergencies...like running out of beer. It also served as a useful way to make us sleep when cranky, soothe painful gums when teething, treat cuts, numb sore throats, and later treat the many toothaches resulting from poor dental hygiene and lack of dental care. Most of all, alcohol was simply a way of life.

Sadly, it turns out our early experiences weren't that unusual. Consider the following recent research:

Children are Introduced to Sipping and Tasting Alcohol in The Home
Findings indicate that the introduction to alcohol occurs long before adolescence, and it is an experience that occurs in the home.

Children with Attention Deficit Hyperactivity Disorder at Risk for Alcohol Problems
"Two new studies help to confirm that ADHD is a risk factor for alcohol problems; adding that parental alcoholism and stressful experiences in the family play an important role in this risk...for example, 42 percent of those children with ADHD who also had serious, persistent behavior problems [later] had alcohol abuse or dependence by the age of 18 to 25."

Access to Alcohol Among Middle School Children
"The proportion of alcohol users is also disturbing; 17% at the start of the 6th grade and more than twice as many, 41% by the end of the 8th grade. The study reminds parents that they need to consider their positions as role models at the crucial time when their middle school children are likely to have their first serious encounters with alcohol."

Underage Drinking Starts before Adolescence
"...a new study finds that parents and teachers should pay attention to alcohol prevention starting as early as fourth grade."

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Sibling rivalry? Think again...

2007-12-31T13:34:00.000-05:00

Siblings will use physical violence

because they have learned it

from their parents or other adults...

one study found that 76% of the children

who were repeatedly abused by their parents

also abused their siblings

Sibling Conflicts: Roughhousing vs. Abuse

Can't help wondering...
what you're wondering about?

That's me. The oldest child of three, for a long time while we were growing up, I was the biggest, so I was the boss of them. At least that's how I saw it. We lived in a tarpaper shack in the woods, far from prying eyes where, even if any in those days, and too few now, had known would they have interfered in other people's business. Being the biggest meant being the one who beat up the rest of the family and got away with it. That was Dad.

Next biggest was Mom. But her Mother beat the living daylights and any spirit she was born with out of her early on. And Dad made sure she didn't find it again. So she didn't count. Me next. Dad did his best to beat it out of me, too, but as he always said, I was the meanest bitch ever born. He said I was born mean like my grandmother, only smarter, and got meaner every day after that. His favorite story proved that.

I was 33 months old, and my younger brother was 16 months old. It was Christmas. My brother wanted my new doll carriage. I wanted it, too. We pulled back and forth, but he was strong for a little guy. Dad said I figured out that if I let go at just the right time, the baby would fall back against the wood stove, get burnt so badly that he'd have the scar to remind him forever who was boss, and I'd get my way after all.

So by the time I was seven, he was five and a half, and our younger brother was four, I was big enough to be left in charge of them three evenings a week while Mom and Dad went to work. As the oldest, I was held responsible for anything that went wrong. I figured I had to beat the crap out of them to avoid a few extra beatings myself. All's fair… By then the boys were big enough to fight back big time, so it took more and more to remind them who was boss.

One evening the youngest and I were battling at the top of the stairs, when I took advantage of the moment and pushed him. No big deal. We'd all survived that much and more. But that time he didn't get up swinging. He didn't get up at all. I waited. Nothing. I told him to knock off the faking and get up. Nothing. I kicked him, expecting him to grab for my ankle. Nothing. I burst into tears then, cried out I'm sorry, I'm sorry. Please don't be dead. I love you. I didn't mean to hurt you.

I was on the floor beside him. He wasn't breathing. I hugged him, kissed him, promised I'd never hit him again if only he lived. He was so small, like my very own baby. I took care of him, fed him, protected him from our other brother and everyone else who tried to treat him mean. It was me who ran at Dad, kicking and punching, trying to make him stop kicking my brothers like footballs from one side of the room to the other.

Suddenly air exploded from his mouth. I was so happy! He was alive! Then he laughed hard, really hard. So I had to beat the crap out of him to teach him not to ever, no never, do that to me again.

Sibling abuse and neglect are seldom discussed in any serious way in the average family. Part of the reason for that neglect, is a tendency to assume kids will be kids and besides, how much damage can siblings do against one another anyway? More than you want to know.

Seeking to make a change?
What makes kids care?: Teaching gentleness in a violent world

Information about Sibling Violence:

Beyond rivalry, a Hidden World of Sibling Violence

Sibling Abuse

Sibling Conflicts: Roughhousing vs. Abuse

Selected Resources on Sibling Abuse: An Annotated Bibliography for Researchers, Educators and Consumers

Sibling Abuse Forum-Links

A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee

Any time is the best time for magic...

2007-12-31T09:40:00.000-05:00

When I was a beggarly boy,

And lived in a cellar damp,

I had not a friend nor a toy,

But I had Alladdin's lamp.

James Russell Lowell

Alladdin

Can't help wondering... what you're wondering about on this New Year's Eve day?
I'm wondering about friends and old and new, of course, and among those a special treasured few. Galoshes is unique among my friends because she never, ever said "do we have to talk about child abuse, again?" Her name, Galoshes, is probably unique, too. At least I don't know many people tagged with it, who actually own it with delight.

The name comes from our time together at a residency for Vermont College in 1999. One icy morning in January I managed to fall down the stairs and tore my ankle up so badly that it took two years to fully heal. I was far from home (AZ), and mostly confined to bed, in a second floor room across the campus from any food source. The next morning, as I struggled to figure out what to do about that, or how long I could stretch my room's stash of junk food, I heard a weird sound in the otherwise silent hallway. Slop, flop, slosh, jingle, jangle, squish, slop, flop, slosh, jingle jangle, squish...on it came, then silence, followed by a timid knock on my door.

An angel appeared with food tray piled high, steaming hot coffee, and the sweetest smile I've ever seen. I'm not sure why she hadn't taken time to fasten the galoshes... wouldn't be surprised if there wasn't time to do that, bring me food and get to her class on time... but the angel in galoshes came bearing every meal after that and even slipped in between visits to be sure I was okay. Maybe Galoshes wasn't the only one who thought about me and my needs, but she was the only one who acted on her loving, caring impulse. Oh, sure some others stopped by to say the perfunctory, "let me know if you need anything," without much thought as to how I'd do that stuck in a room without a phone. And I should note that three days later, several instructors came by... but, you get the picture.
Well, this morning Galoshes sent an e-mail, which she has agreed to let me share with you. I have to say it seems that special quality Galoshes has (barely hinted at here!) of seeing a need and filling it, runs in her family. Wouldn't we all have a Happier New Year with a few more of us taking the time to do that little thing, now?
..............................................................................................

December 30, 2008
When I was a young mother, Erma Bombeck said something to the effect that, if she failed at the job of raising her kids, nothing else she did would count for anything. Her words have haunted me for over thirty years, but now I’m ready to let them go, because they seem to be based on the assumption that life is supposed to add up and make sense: Do this and you’ll get that.
Those of us on the autistic continuum are especially prone to trying to cram things into their proper places and make them stay there so we won’t have all these gray uncertainties swirling around in our heads. For us, change is public enemy number one. We want formulas with predictability we can count on. And yet... doesn’t each of us get up every morning with the hope that something magical will happen? Something that will defy the equations that hold us hostage, and allow us to do something like, oh, I don’t know, fly?
Almost invariably, when I was introduced to one of Stephen’s patients, I would hear, “You must be a very special person to be married to Dr. Adelman.” I managed to smile without saying, “How do you know that your doctor Adelman isn’t so special because he’s married to me?” But either way, an explanation was being offered for a human life. It’s so hard not to do it. We blame our parents, sometimes with good reason, for our neurotic tendencies, are shocked when kids with terrific parents become thugs, and marvel at kids with wretched beginnings who somehow rise above them. But in each case we’re reducing a human life to something like a recipe for biscuits. And yet, we don’t really, really and truly, want life to work out and be fair as much as we want it to mean something, something more than we can see or touch. Maybe that’s what Katherine Paterson meant when she was asked if you have to have a miserable childhood to be a writer: “No, but it helps.”
My sister, Becky, told me about something she did this Christmas that brought her great joy, and it’s one of the reasons I’m ready, finally, to let go of Erma Bombeck’s words.
A seven-year-old girl lives across the street from Becky. When Dillon was ten months old, Her mother, Neeley, was diagnosed with metastatic cancer and told she had three weeks to live. Seven years later, Dillon’s teachers have never seen her mother with a full head of hair and Neeley’s doctors have given her the label “chronic cancer patient.” Neeley spends one week out of every three puking up her socks from chemotherapy, but no moss grows under her feet during the other two weeks. She volunteers at Dillon’s school and is involved in numerous community activities. (One Sunday morning when I was tying plastic Easter eggs and baskets on the tree in Becky’s front yard, Neeley came over with chocoate eggs for the baskets. Only later did I learn she had been on her way to the airport for cancer surgery in another state.)
From birth, each day with Dillon was considered a gift by her parents and her grandparents, and Dillon cleaned up. By the time she was in kindergarten, she’d had so many gifts and specials and treats, a wrapped package held little excitement for her, and on more than one occasion, my sister told me it was no fun getting a gift for a spoiled brat.
Which, is why this story did such a number on me. A year ago, not long before Christmas, Becky saw Dillon scraping snow off the windows of her dad’s car. “Where are your gloves,” Becky asked.
“They got too small.”
A couple of days later, Becky happened to see a pair of pink-and-white-striped magic shrinking gloves on sale for $1.20. (Dillon’s favorite color is pink.) She bought them, wrapped them in red tissue paper, and left them in Dillon’s mailbox with a note: “Thought your hands couldn’t survive until Christmas. Love, S.C.”
Several days later, Dillon’s dad told Becky that Dillon had figured out the “S.C.” and had worn the gloves to bed that night.
Becky began looking for other things to leave from S.C., including a ceramic cookie jar in the shape of a Christmas tree. (“This better be full of cookies on Christmas eve.” ) A few days after Christmas, she found a marked-down ornament, a tiny pink tutu on a hanger. (“Found this in the bottom of my sleigh when I was cleaning it out. Thought you should have it. Love, S.C.”)
This year, not knowing where Dillon stood with Santa Claus, Becky thought he’d better show up again, so she left a $1.75 battery-operated candle. (“Put this in your window so I don’t miss you on Christmas eve. Love, S.C.”)
Becky sews things up in the time it takes most of us to brush our teeth, so when she found pink flannel with zoo animals all over it, she made a pillow case. (“All the animals in the zoo are jumping up and down for you. Love, S.C.”) Next came a glass snowman ornament from the Dollar Store (“Let it snow! Love, S.C.”) Then Piglet arrived, perched on top of a pen, a pink ostrich feather wrapped around his middle like a tutu. His tummy glowed when you pressed down with the pen. (“Thought you might want to write me a note.”) And what Dillon wrote to Santa was a thank you note.
A couple of times when Dillon was opening the red-tissue-wrapped surprises, her friend, Sadie, who had moved into the neighborhood that year, was there, watching. When Sadie saw the note with the battery-operated candle, Neeley saw her face droop, but she said, bravely, “It’s okay, Santa will find me.” That night Neeley delivered a battery-operated candle just like Dillon’s to Sadie’s mailbox with instructions from S.C. to put it out so he could find her.
When Becky was buying red-and-white candy-striped flannel to make her teenage son pajamas, the clerk cut only two instead of two-and-a-half yards, perfect for two pillowcases. But another girl had moved into the neighborhood not long after Sadie, so the red-tissue-paper wrapped pillowcases ended up in Sadie’s and Frankie’s mailboxes. (“May visions of candy canes dance in your heads. Love, S.C.”)
On Christmas eve, Becky went out to check, and in both Dillon’s and Sadie’s front windows, $1.75 battery-operated candles burned brightly.
This story happened because my sister saw beyond a spoiled brat to a little girl who could still be touched by magic. Whatever Dillon, or Sadie, or Frankie, or Becky’s kids, or mine, are like now, or twenty years from now, it can’t be summed up as a sign of success or failure on the part of their parents. Life is far richer than that, and far more mysterious. Which is why the surprises we leave in other mailboxes do matter. And why I feel lucky to have a little sister who sometimes goes by her initials, S.C. "
........................................................................................

So my wish for the New Year is that we all remember this story when we encounter that situation with the brat who may be an abused kid acting out, or the abusive caretaker maybe also acting out, and everything in us just wants to get away and ignore it all. A little thing means a lot... a little thing left undone means nothing. Smile!
A Child is Waiting,
Take care...be aware,
Nancy Lee